Ultimate Betrayal

[Mufasa1992]

Been bugging me for a while so here we go.

My wife had her graduation this summer, was so proud of her and all the work she put in. I paid for her gown and graduation photos (solo photo and 1 family photo).

because she’s picked an early morning slot - with travel and the kids it was going to be tight us all making it. So we agreed if me and kids missed pre ceremony photos (wife was driving with parents and siblings) we’d take family photos after the ceremony. To get there on time me and kids needed to set off at 08:00 and with kids being very young the intention was never for us to go into ceremony with it being 90 mins. They’d disrupt the whole thing.

well you guess it we didn’t make it out until after 9, then with driving around for ages looking for parking we just arrived at the end of the ceremony in time to take family photos after.

this was a disaster kids were hungry and in tears in all the photos not looking forward the lot.

fast forward to a few days later and we get to see the photos to choose which ones to order. And the wife has taken beautiful happy photos with her parents and siblings prior to me and kids arriving.

I feel totally betrayed

me and kids were only there for 15 mins despite us being stuck in the car for 2.5 hrs to take photos.

we’ve obviously argued and part of me feels guilty for putting a stain on her big day but the other half thinks why would you take photos without us knowing you that only one family photo could be chosen to purchase.

think it hurts more that’s without us shes got a lovely family photos and with me and the kids she’s got a very messed up unhappy photos.

YABU - she never intended to buy photos without us knowing you and kids and was just indulging herself.

YANBU- yeah she stabbed you in the heart, back and everywhere else. She shouldn’t have taken the photo even if the intention was never to buy.

Mate. Pull yourself together.

5 year old should be at school.

Unless you have two sets of twins, how has your wife had time to study to graduate?

I can’t think of a way to say this kindly so I’ll jus say it, you need to get over yourself.

This was your wife’s graduation.
“she stabbed me in the heart, back and everywhere else”
Seriously? You are this dramatic over her taking a photo of herself with her own parents? I feel concern for your wife being in a relationship with you if this is how you react over her sharing a special moment with her family and see it as a betrayal. You don’t own her.

Your wife did all the work for this. The only photo that matters is one of her. You can take photos of yourselves with your kids at home or anywhere else.

And actually it sounds more like you've tried to sabotage her day by being hugely disorganised looking after your own kids.

You can’t change anything that’s already happened and it sounds really frustrating. But you have a choice now. Concentrate on the brilliant thing that happened, your wife’s graduation, or concentrate on everything that didn’t happen as you would have hoped. We have choices and now is your time to choose.

I'm awaiting Part 2 😀

ok feedback taken I’m a shit dad. Just hurt that same thing happened with our eldest first birthday where I organised the whole party booked the hall, organised a photography. Invited all her family and all mine and while I nipped out to grab something from the car a group photos was taken without me and I felt my wife should’ve stepped up and said no let’s wait for Mufassa1992. But she didn’t. Maybe this had opened an old wound being excluded again.

BaobhanSith
my best friend did her phd with 3 young kids, I’ve another friend who retrained with a young baby and toddler, plenty of people do it

Choose to stop having babies for a start.

You really should have planned this better OP. Heading to a big event always requires planning for parking, not just a turn up and hope you get a space.
With hindsight you should have left with your wife, then whilst she was at ceremony you feed the kids and let them run around, happy and ready for pics afterwards.
I suspect she left early as she knows how disorganised you are and couldn't risk traveling you.
If this is your idea of an ultimate betrayal then you're going to have a tortured life, heaven help you if she forgets to buy your coffee in the weekly shop 🤣

Op it’s not excluding, it’s shit/ life happens and is unfortunate and unlucky sometimes. No offence but men latch onto things sometimes that were never about them, it was about the juggle when kids are involved

And a previous instance of not being invited to SIL wedding (abroad) because they thought I’d be working and not able get the time off at such short notice.

guess it just feels like a recurring pattern.

So do you want her to buy the crap photo just because that's what you agreed?

Was she doing her PhD while pregnant with all 3 children? He claimed to have 4 children pre school age. Degrees take 3 years in England. Sounds very unlikely given he couldn't get the children ready in two hours.

I'm sorry you are getting a hard time.

I can see why you are upset. I'm assuming you've supported her with time, love and understanding while she's studied with 4 young children. I would be hurt in your situation.

Try not to dwell on it though. I'm sure it was unintentional.

It is a pattern. Her family don’t like you.

ULTIMATE BETRAYAL though, come on.

To leave with the wife the kids would’ve had to be awake at 5. Come on don’t be ridiculous. We made the logically decision to arrive after the ceremony so kids weren’t hanging around bored outside for 90 mins.

I think that you should have stayed home with the children and let her have her day. She can step out of the role of Mum, occasionally. Or at least bought snacks and made sure the children were fully sorted, so the focus was on her. Did your argument include 'all you care about...' which is what women get when they dare to focus on themselves, as people and not be all things to all people.

Your poor wife.
You are a twat. Why wouldn't she get photos with her parents and siblings? You didn't even get there on time. On what planet is this a betrayal?

It sounds like the OP has a lot more feelings about his marriage in general than just this incident.

Ah, i kind of get it. Do you feel a bit like you're on the fringe with her family? How do they treat you, do you feel included?

She can buy whichever ones she likes, her choice

Degrees can take longer or shorter in the UK as part-time courses

Mine took 18 months as I had prior credits from other qualifications.

I imagine as you couldn't get yourself out the door on time she made the best of it

So why not get them up at 5 if this photo was so important to you?