Ultimate Betrayal

[Mufasa1992]

Been bugging me for a while so here we go.

My wife had her graduation this summer, was so proud of her and all the work she put in. I paid for her gown and graduation photos (solo photo and 1 family photo).

because she’s picked an early morning slot - with travel and the kids it was going to be tight us all making it. So we agreed if me and kids missed pre ceremony photos (wife was driving with parents and siblings) we’d take family photos after the ceremony. To get there on time me and kids needed to set off at 08:00 and with kids being very young the intention was never for us to go into ceremony with it being 90 mins. They’d disrupt the whole thing.

well you guess it we didn’t make it out until after 9, then with driving around for ages looking for parking we just arrived at the end of the ceremony in time to take family photos after.

this was a disaster kids were hungry and in tears in all the photos not looking forward the lot.

fast forward to a few days later and we get to see the photos to choose which ones to order. And the wife has taken beautiful happy photos with her parents and siblings prior to me and kids arriving.

I feel totally betrayed

me and kids were only there for 15 mins despite us being stuck in the car for 2.5 hrs to take photos.

we’ve obviously argued and part of me feels guilty for putting a stain on her big day but the other half thinks why would you take photos without us knowing you that only one family photo could be chosen to purchase.

think it hurts more that’s without us shes got a lovely family photos and with me and the kids she’s got a very messed up unhappy photos.

YABU - she never intended to buy photos without us knowing you and kids and was just indulging herself.

YANBU- yeah she stabbed you in the heart, back and everywhere else. She shouldn’t have taken the photo even if the intention was never to buy.

You drove to a nearby city. Hardly the big deal you're making it out to be.

If it were me I'd have left the dc with someone else for the day Graduationa are boring to them as are long car journeys. You say you paid for the gown and photo but you're married, money should be shared. You know yabu to make it into such a big thing. My dcs gtaduation photos that are on display are just them, not family ones BTW.

This with bells on

could you use AI tools to create the photos you want

Catch yourself on.

I ran around to make sure time was freed with various educational providers so kids could go

this is hilarious. Your DC are preschool. as you were running out door from pick off/drop off you needed to say “Anna, Beth, Cate and Diana won’t be in tomorrow”.

between this and stabbed through the heart you sound pretty hard work - and I’ve be er said that on a thread before

Before he was stressed?

You could have decided not to have multiple more children while he was doing the degree when he has no time to parent any of them.

I refuse to believe this is real.

Your wide needs a medal , 4 kids under 5 , completed a degree and you for a husband ?
Something just not adding up here at all

What’s all this bullshit about photographs. Do you still have a Nokia 3310? Any reason why you couldn’t take family photos yourself, one of the in laws or a passer by would probably have been happy to help. I always ask young passers by to take our family pics as young people are so great at getting all the angles and giving you 20 pictures in your phone to pick from.

Why do you keep saying YOU paid for the photos? Your husband has been studying, why isn’t it family money?

I agree the experience sounds like hard work. You could have mitigated this with better organisation on your part. But you were completely out of order to have turned this into an argument on his graduation day.

Maybe she really wanted a child free drama free day. Let it go and say sorry.
Its her day not yours.

The photo was symbolic for you. It was an opportunity to acknowledge the sacrifice you and the children have made to enable him to achieve his degree. The timing and traffic were unfortunate, but you clearly worked hard to get everyone ready and out for a time that was not reasonable/logical for 4 kids under 5. Him leaving it too late to choose afternoon slot was inconsiderate. I'm really not sure what to think about him choosing a photo with parents and siblings, but I think it's almost irrelevant. In your shoes, I would say "I feel like we need a momentum of this special day with our own family. Can we schedule a reasonably priced photo session with a photographer with you in your cap and down, and we go for nice meal afterwards" - just the two of you if you can get babysitter. Return to graduation venue to take them if you can.

Presumably she wanted to get there on time to gown up, take a few photos and enjoy the atmosphere of the day. She is married to this silly man and was no doubt aware that he'd faff about, be late and be unable to organise the children so she removed herself from the stress ON HER DAY.
We always stayed in a hotel in the graduation city the night before to avoid this stress. My exhusband refused to do this and missed eldest sons graduation because of traffic and no parking.

@Mufasa1992 I think the big learning you both need to take away from this is:

Does every big /important/ significant occasion really require the presence of young DC? Particularly if it is some distance away from home.

If your young DC aren't present does this diminish the achievements of your DH and you supporting him?

Not every occasion needs the whole family to be there as this will cause more organisation, more stress and take away from the real purpose of the day which was to celebrate your DH's degree and how you supported him.

So what i'm hearing is that you were disorganised, and therefore left an HOUR late, didn't pack any snacks for the long car journey, or presumably anything for the kids to do to keep them happy during the journey... and showed up so late that your wife took a few photos before you arrived. And YOU are angry with HER? Next time show some basic organisational skills and don't be late to important, once-in-a-lifetime events?

I can't believe you called this total non-issue 'ultimate betrayal'. Are you always such a drama llama? It's like almost gas-lighting behaviour - you were in the wrong by being so late, but you've clung to this non-issue to twist the narrative and make your poor wife the bad guy.

There are different cost packages. When my eldest son graduated first time we had individual ones of him and also a photo of me, my husband and his younger brother in a group with him. When he got his masters degree he was engaged ( they graduated Wed and got married that Friday) so we had pic of him and fiancee in graduation gowns then pic of family with them both in a big group. You can have anything you like you just have to pay for it. We did same type of thing for youngest son. He was a different uni.

But you havent got any clarity because you reversed the genders for god know why. So now you only have a cascade of responses you WOULDNT have gotten if you had been real about your situation.
And that is because the roles of men and women have been set so unequal in our society that this story looks completely different thru those two lenses.
Now its just an insanely confusing thread about a very different story than yhe one thats actually going on.
And for gods sake just get to the point of the issue. You not feeling appreciated or loved for the support and work you do for your family and husband.
The photo being one small example.

Is this how you react when she comes to you to bring up a concern? Maid it all about you and how ‘shit l’ you are instead of addressing the issue?

Up at 6 🙄 Hardly the crack of dawn. And that means it took you THREE HOURS to get the kids fed, ready and out the door? Also, you should have left adequate time in the planning to take into account parking issues. It's a rare special event and you couldn't even be bothered to plan for very very predictable potential issues? Young kids being hungry, and parking issues at a busy event are hardly things that you could never have imagined - they are very very obvious and likely situations that most people plan for.

I can't believe you said she 'stabbed you in the back' for taking a photo. I am so annoyed on behalf of your poor wife. If you're behaving so unreasonably now, over something that was basically 100% your fault, then I can only imagine what you're like the rest of the time!

Also, I BET you have totally spoiled and taken the shine off her acheivement/special day, but making her graduation ALL about you. So unbelievably selfish and irritating.

As always, bad planning bites you in the arse! You should have :

A) Got your or his parents, or soemone else to babysit and you both go for the whole thing
or
B) Book a hotel near the Venue, so you can walk or get short uber ride there

The whole thing could have been stress free, with better planning. I certainly wouldn't take the shine off his day, which you are by calling this the "unlimate betrayal"!

I think you've messed up by attaching this meaning to your husband's graduation @Mufasa1992 . I think it was a really bad idea to have the kids there, or to hang everything on things going a very specific way with 4 young children.

I think you probably owe him an apology for putting such a dampener and unnecessary pressure on the day.

I totally hear what you are saying about holding the fort and your part in making it possible, but it was the wrong occasion.

I also recognise the wish for his parents to show some appreciation for how you have supported him, but i think you're flogging a dead horse with that. They were probably thinking of the ways they have supported him throughout his life and likely a bit cross with you for the way the day played out.