To not want to play nice with my mother’s affair partner?

[fairygardening]

Very very long story but the short version is that my mother has recently started trying to push her boyfriend into the family.

She had been married for 15+ years to her second husband (not my dad). They split up around a year ago and then it came out not long after that she had left him for a man she met at work and had been “getting to know” for a few months.

my grandparents have long suspected some kind of affair due to her behaviour over the last few years so weren’t surprised but were very shocked and upset by it all.

They always host Christmas at their house and have said that the new boyfriend isn’t welcome as they don’t condone her behaviour and aren’t willing to play happy families with this guy.

My mother has majorly kicked off saying she is an adult and it is her life and that we need to stay out of it and not judge her.

She is expecting me to go to her house with her new boyfriend rather than to my grandparents as usual as I should apparently “be on her side” and shouldn’t care what she does or who with.

I don’t really want to be involved at all to be honest, nor do I want to pick a side as such. However, I agree with my grandparents that what she did was wrong and to be honest I’d rather spend time with them at Christmas.

AIBU to refuse my mother’s request and stick to going to my grandparents?

It depends. Is the new partner rich and likely to buy you an expensive present? If not I would go to your grandparents.

Go to your grandparents, it isn’t even choosing sides by doing that because your mum is invited and she is making the choice not to go.

If you skip it then you are making a choice and choosing her over them, but by going to your grandparents you are just following your normal routine and not making a choice between anyone.

If your mum had been disinvited then it would be a different story, but she hasn’t been. They just don’t want a man they don’t know to come for Christmas. Also why would she need her new boyfriend to come for Christmas? If this is their first one and they’re older then they should both have their own routines and don’t need to spend Christmas together

Haha the grandparents are more likely to have something for her to inherit if you go down that route…at this rate her mum will be getting cut out of the will 🤣

I've just edited as I think I sounded judgemental and you said you didn't want to take sides:

In my case, it was my dad who my mum left, so clearly we were extremely upset with her. As were a lot of family. She attempted to bring the AP into the family when we were teens. It didn't go well...
Obviously a different situation you yours, but yes, she's right, she's an adult which also means facing the consequences of her decisions. Unfortunately for her, people will tend to take a poor view of her behaviour, which is how your grandparents feel.
If I were you, I'd explain that you aren't taking sides, but sticking to arrangements and spending Christmas with your grandparents.

Sounds as though she is only inviting you to spend Christmas with her and her new man because she wants validation and wants to get one over on her parents. She is putting you in a horrible situation OP.
Do what feels right for you and if you, quite understandably, want to spen Christmas with your grandparents then do that.

Hahaha! Funnily enough they passed comment the other day about changing their wills to include the grandchildren as they thought my mother and aunt would spend it all before we got any! So not far wrong 🤣

It is their first Christmas together (well, officially anyway!) and I agree that she could easily come if she wanted to, just without him. She’s the one choosing to die on this hill.

She says that because my partner is welcome (as in, my fiancé who I have been with for 7 years) it’s unfair that hers isn’t

It’s so hard, at the end of the day she’s my mum, but she also has made crappy decisions and that isn’t my fault or responsibility

Yes she is an adult but when we “do wrong”:there are consequences in life.

id stick with going to your grandparents and let your mum sulk.

She sounds very childish.

Go to your grandparents. Have a lovely time.

Definitely go to your grandparents and have a lovely Christmas!

Absolutely. She is your mum, and I remember feeling very torn when mine was convinced she had met her "great love".
There are consequences though, and your grandparents are showing her that they don't approve, which is their prerogative.
You don't need to make a choice, a simple "mum, I'm keeping out of this, but I have made arrangements with grandparents and I intend to honour them. I hope you can make it."
She is actually putting you in a difficult spot by thinking that you might let your grandparents down so that she can spend the day with the new man.
She's invited, she just wants him to be also! Her choice. Not your responsibility.

I'd keep the plans with your grandparents and not feel guilty about it. It's your mother who is making the choice not to spend the holiday with your family; it IS her choice and I'd support her right to make it but she doesn't get to decide for you too. As for the fair/unfair about inviting partners, no one gets to dictate the guest list when someone else is hosting. (And yes, she almost certainly DOES understand why your grandparents view her affair partner differently from your fiancé, even if she doesn't want to admit it now.)

She made her choice and now she wants to put you in the middle of her mess. That's pretty selfish and manipulative.

Don't let her do that. Tell her you'll miss seeing her at your grandparents and to have a nice Xmas and you'll see her when you see her.

Sympathies op it’s really hard having a parent who behaves like a child. I still come out in a cold sweat of embarrassment remembering seeing my late 60‘s married mother all over a bloke she was having a thing with at an event I was at for a running club we were all members of.

I’m not your mum obviously but I am the mum in a similar situation although I am not asking my DC to choose, they have already chosen not to spend it with me and I have to accept my choices aren’t going to be accepted by others. At the same time they weren’t in my marriage so don’t have the whole picture of what’s happened or know my partner so it’s a constant balancing act

She hasn’t cheated on your dad, so it’s not a clear cut decision.

I’d tell her that you are not interested in hearing about her latest drama, or getting involved in her affair/ marriage dispute and family politics and that you’ll be doing what you’ve always done which is going to GPs for Christmas. Don’t cause 2 dramas, just let her stew in hers.

She sounds really high maintenance. Just say you are not interested and don’t want to hear it.

Have you met her partner and do you like him?

It's difficult, how is your relationship with your mum generally? Personally I would go to grandparents but also spend some time with my mum. But then I was very close to my mum and obviously not everyone is the same.

What if she is still with him next year, and the year after and he becomes a long term partner regardless of the circumstances of meeting? Will he never be accepted due to that? If he is generally a horrible or difficult person then I can understand excluding him for good but surely otherwise there is a tipping point when it is someone's choice of life partner and they are included.

Yes your mother is an adult and as such should be able to make decisions without judgment.

But so are you and your GPs. They can chose not to have the BF over for christmas in their home and you can chose to spend that day with them rather than your mum and a bloke you don’t know.

She can’t have it both ways.

I’d tell her that you are keeping well out of it, but are planning to spend christmas with your GPs this year - and that is your choice as an adult.

No I haven’t met him at all, none of us have. As far as I know, Christmas was her idea of when we would meet him. IMO that’s unfair, what if he is generally unpleasant and it’s Christmas Day and we’re all awkward and upset? He’s possibly lovely and kind but I have no idea.

I will admit I am tainted as the new boyfriend was fully aware that my mum was married and encouraged the relationship anyway. They’re both as bad as each other for being willing to go along with that.

I wouldn’t say I’m particularly close with my mum, she’s made lots of questionable decisions throughout life. I am generally closer to my grandparents who have done an awful lot for me.

I appreciate what you’re saying about if he becomes long term but I guess we have to cross that bridge when we come to it

Did you think your mum was happy with your stepfather? Are you particularly close to your stepfather? You don’t seem to like your mum much. I agree that your mother could choose to come without her new man but if they’ve been together nearly a year you all seem to be wanting to punish her for not gritting her teeth and staying with someone she no longer loves.

I agree Christmas is a poor time to meet him. It is odd she hasn’t introduced you before now

I don’t think she was happy, no, and course I want her to be happy. Her splitting up with him is absolutely not an issue and I respect and support that decision. My issue is with the lies and deceit (pretending it wasn’t an affair when it was, not leaving before starting the affair) and also trying to insist on bringing a stranger to a family Christmas meal

I don't see why you and your grandparents are setting up as judge and jury on your mother's love life. Her relationship started as an affair, but she's separated or divorced now, so he's not her 'affair partner' any more, just her boyfriend. I could understand your feelings if you were very young, or if it was your father she'd cheated on, but if you're old enough to have a fiancé and there was a fifteen-year marriage between her relationship with your father and this new boyfriend, I don't see that anyone is being asked to 'play happy families' by having Christmas dinner with him.

Fair enough to say you think Christmas not the best time to meet him for the first time, though, and suggest something much shorter and more manageable.

But ultimately, I suppose it comes down to whether you want to keep a relationship with your mother or not.