To not want to play nice with my mother’s affair partner?

[fairygardening]

Very very long story but the short version is that my mother has recently started trying to push her boyfriend into the family.

She had been married for 15+ years to her second husband (not my dad). They split up around a year ago and then it came out not long after that she had left him for a man she met at work and had been “getting to know” for a few months.

my grandparents have long suspected some kind of affair due to her behaviour over the last few years so weren’t surprised but were very shocked and upset by it all.

They always host Christmas at their house and have said that the new boyfriend isn’t welcome as they don’t condone her behaviour and aren’t willing to play happy families with this guy.

My mother has majorly kicked off saying she is an adult and it is her life and that we need to stay out of it and not judge her.

She is expecting me to go to her house with her new boyfriend rather than to my grandparents as usual as I should apparently “be on her side” and shouldn’t care what she does or who with.

I don’t really want to be involved at all to be honest, nor do I want to pick a side as such. However, I agree with my grandparents that what she did was wrong and to be honest I’d rather spend time with them at Christmas.

AIBU to refuse my mother’s request and stick to going to my grandparents?

Your mum is acting worse than a teenager. Does she need help, or has she always been like this. Talking about "taking sides"!

I find it hard to imagine that I wouldn’t want to see my son at Christmas just because he had changed partner. Most people who change partners start seeing the new person before they leave their current one. That is how it is. I would be disappointed and upset but would rather see him than not see him even with a new partner.
I get that you feel your mother hasn’t been a good mother to you but it also sounds as though she doesn’t have a great relationship with her parents who want to see her only if she behaves how they want.

Not to be mean, but your mum sounds pretty self centered.
Telling lies, the affair, disrespectful of boundaries you try and put in place, trying to make you take sides about step father, about Christmas, all of it is going to drive a wedge.
I'd go to your grandparents and enjoy the time you have with them

they passed comment the other day about changing their wills to include the grandchildren as they thought my mother and aunt would spend it all before we got any! So not far wrong

oosh. your grandparents are talking about their will to you in terms of character assessments they have made on their children’s/your parents? i smell a fucked up family dynamic that the grandparents created and enjoy.

There is clearly a long history between yourself, your mother and your GPs before this man ever came on to the scene. You use very positive terms for your GP and see them as the reliable constant in your life. Your mother is posed as the unreliable, dishonest person. This may well be true

You also seem supportive of the fact she left your stepdad (just not the way she left him), presumably you didn’t think that was a great relationship for her?

It is difficult for people to be truly open and honest when they know they are being morally judged. Particularly by their family, in this case her own mother, father and daughter.

You should spend Christmas with who you want to spend Christmas with. But we are all flawed, everyone of us. I expect it is difficult for your mother to be held in such moral contempt.

The level of acceptance people have others piss poor behaviour blows my mind.

I love my adult daughter how ever if she spent a few years lying to my face, manipulating me and everyone around her to hide her shady and sneaking shit, then wanted to rock up to my dinner table with a stranger and everyone pretend she hasn’t, I d be absolutely fine not seeing her at Christmas. People wonder why society has gone to absolute shit, why people think they can say, do, take and act how they want? Because there is practically no judgement or shame these days.

We live in a society that adults expect to do what they want, treat people how they want all because they are entitled to be “happy”.

OP you and your grandparents know your mother, sounds like they are sick of her shit.

Have Christmas with them and tell your mother not your problem and it’s for her to sort out with her parents.

Your mother is used to getting her own way and putting herself first to the exclusion of everyone else including her own child. She has lied, manipulated, cheated and been deceitful to live the life she wants. She has now selfishly decided to introduce her new partner to you all at Christmas as that is what she wants.
Your grandparents have always been there for you and supported you. They have decided that the latest request from your mother is a step too far. It is selfish and self centred of your mother to think that introducing her partner at Christmas is a good idea. If she was genuinely intersted in building a good relationship with you and her parents then she could have made efforts before now. Her attempts at getting you to go to her home at Christmas is emotionally abusive and is about once again getting her own way.
Perhaps this is the time she finally learns that actions have consequences. She cannot always coast through life manipulating others and never being held accountable.

I have noticed that it is interesting how many people seem to be on my mums side, assuming that we have suddenly snap judged this one moment and are horrible to her constantly.

Obviously I didn’t go into it in the OP but this is a pattern of, as others put it, shitty behaviour that has been continuing for some time.

I think it’s unfair that I shouldn’t hold her accountable for her actions, or stand firm in my judgement, just because she is my mother.

Yes, you only get one mother, but she also only has one set of parents and she has not treated them well during her life, so why does she deserve something different?

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts and comments, I am certain I will be spending Christmas with my lovely grandparents. My mum remains welcome, as she always has been, but that is for her to decide

I do think that this is quite strange, of all of the people I know in my life, I genuinely do not know any who regularly start seeing new partners before ending things with the last one. Like some kind of try before you buy? To me that screams disloyalty and someone who just wants to have their cake and it it too.

i can wholeheartedly say that I have never ever done this, and if I wasn’t happy with my partner then I would certainly end things with them before looking elsewhere

I think positioning yourself as the arbiter of others perceived moral failings is a precarious position to be in

I think it’s unfair that I shouldn’t hold her accountable for her actions, or stand firm in my judgement, just because she is my mother.

Just accept that you don’t like her.

Not really. Just like people have the option to choose to lie, sneak around manipulate others to hide. Others have the right to say that isn’t someone I want in my company.

There are many circumstances in life we have no option in having to engage with people who’s values, morals and behaviours don’t align with our own.

One place we do have an option is inside our own home. Just like the OPs mother felt she didn’t owe her parents decency, respect and honesty while dragging them into the mess she made of her marriage. They don’t owe her time or space to suit her now. Life is full of choices, actions and reactions.

We are all arbitrators of others perceived moral failings. The difference is that each of us has different beliefs if something is a moral failure or not.

Your grandparents don't want to share their home on Christmas Day with your mother's affair partner. That's perfectly reasonable of them.

Your mum could choose to spend Christmas as usual with her parents and her daughter, and see her current boyfriend later. Or she can spend it with him. Those are up to her.

You don't need to engage in her nonsense. Spend your Christmas with your grandparents as usual.

Your mum is the one being disruptive. Whom she chooses to shack up with us her business, but she doesn't get to insist everyone else needs to pretend they are happy about it.

The mother wants the grandparents to “stay out of her life” and mind their own business - apart from when she needs to lend money, communicate with her ex husband, needs someone to look after her dog while she’s shagging about, wants a Christmas dinner…. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How about not liking it when people lie to you and treat people you love badly ?