To not want to play nice with my mother’s affair partner?

[fairygardening]

Very very long story but the short version is that my mother has recently started trying to push her boyfriend into the family.

She had been married for 15+ years to her second husband (not my dad). They split up around a year ago and then it came out not long after that she had left him for a man she met at work and had been “getting to know” for a few months.

my grandparents have long suspected some kind of affair due to her behaviour over the last few years so weren’t surprised but were very shocked and upset by it all.

They always host Christmas at their house and have said that the new boyfriend isn’t welcome as they don’t condone her behaviour and aren’t willing to play happy families with this guy.

My mother has majorly kicked off saying she is an adult and it is her life and that we need to stay out of it and not judge her.

She is expecting me to go to her house with her new boyfriend rather than to my grandparents as usual as I should apparently “be on her side” and shouldn’t care what she does or who with.

I don’t really want to be involved at all to be honest, nor do I want to pick a side as such. However, I agree with my grandparents that what she did was wrong and to be honest I’d rather spend time with them at Christmas.

AIBU to refuse my mother’s request and stick to going to my grandparents?

It's absurd for people who conduct themselves the way your mother has done to demand that nobody judge them. Of course people are going to judge them. Of course you are. You don't like what she did or how she did it. It's changed your opinion of her (I expect). We are all judged on our actions.

My mother has majorly kicked off saying she is an adult and it is her life

Totally true.

But completely irrelevant when it comes to who her parents are willing to have in their home.

We've all had a relative we don't particularly want to sit next to at Xmas dinner.
Being introduced to mums new partner, regardless of how they met, on Xmas day, feels like a huge imposition.
Your mum sounds like she's only considering herself in this scenario.
Considering she hasn't asked you to meet this man in the run up to Xmas, how did she expect everyone to accept her new arrangements 🤷🏻‍♀️

If adults can do what they want with who they want then that applies to you too so if you want to spend Christmas with your grandparents then that's what you do.

Go to your grandparents at Christmas. You go every year and you're closer to them. You can meet her new partner anytime. Your mum needs to grow up.

In which case I think you are definitely doing the right thing, at least for the moment/re this Christmas, and Christmas Day would be quite intense all round for a first meeting. Maybe a lunch or coffee together, the three of you, would be best.

I met someone during a break up they were not the reason but everyone has decided they were. The consequences was that the break up was going to happen anyway, but when this happens everyone is always more interested in what information they can get from you and then using it against you (mostly as gossip and judgment) rather than just saying hey look I don’t agree with your decisions, doesn’t sit well with me, don’t want you in my life. If they do this I just respond I respect that and it’s your choice I can’t force it.

The consequences are usually losing friends and family and money. The ex I left lost me but I didn’t ruin his life I’m not setting out to be evil, my timings are the issue as I was over him faster than people expected me to be.

My DC are adults, they didn’t lose anything apart from respect for me, which I can’t force from them.

Depends on how things are handled. I’m still married so am committing adultery, but my husband was aware our marriage was over and the reasons why. My partner knew I was married but was separated. People don’t expect you will suddenly meet someone else as they expect you to be grieving but often you have already checked out and things have been going wrong a long time.

Your grandparents sound very judgy, and so do you. You have NO idea what was going on in your Mums marriage, there will be a reason why it broke down, and people often meet other people when they are exiting an unhappy marriage. I expect she has lied because she feels judged and she's doing damage limitation.

You get one Mother Op, and she won't be here forever. You could easily meet this man before Christmas, so you're not meeting him on the day. My son's new GF will probably be here at Christmas. I've only met her a few times. Of course it won't feel as relaxed, as we will be on best behaviour, but family is family, and that's what Christmas is about.

You also have NO idea what is going on in my life and my relationship with my mum? I appreciate some of the comments providing a different perspective but you seem very judgemental also.

I hate the phrase “you only get one mother” yes I do, but she only has one daughter and has frankly never ever put me first in her life, so why should I constantly bend to her whim? I also only have one wonderful grandma and grandad, who have always treated me with love and respect, so why should I not prioritise my relationship with them if it truly comes down to that?

Agree , I think some posters are responding based on a very narrow mum has a new partner, daughter is bring an arse not welcoming him as mum is an adult and deserves happiness and op must not stand in the way. But it’s not about that as the op has explained.

It seems like you want to go to your grandparents' for Christmas. So, I'd tell your mother you've already accepted that invitation but that you can celebrate with her, and her boyfriend if she wants, the day before or the day after or whatever other time she prefers.

Then meet at the agreed on time or, if she doesn't find that acceptable, don't see her for Christmas at all. Just be polite and civil to the boyfriend, treating him as a new acquaintance. In fact, that's really all you'd ever have to do with him, to keep their problems out of your life. You can also tell both sides you don't want to talk about it anymore or change the subject or whatever and just be done with it.

I think that's the best you can do to maintain your own serenity and avoid getting swamped with OPM (Other People's Mess) here. Please keep us updated and good luck. :)

I understand re the relationships OP. I'm NC with my father. I know I'll only ever have one but he doesn't get to be a shit to me without consequences.

Go to your GDPs as you're closer to them. Even if the new partner was invited for Christmas I would find it a bit suspicious to only meet him for the first time then.

This.
Seems like when you get a bit older you're simply supposed to shut up and keep your head down no matter how unhappy you are, in case your 'behaviour' embarasses your (adult) kids.

What’s wrong with a bit of judging? OP’s mother has behaved very badly and wants everyone to ignore it because she’s an adult. Well adults have to live with consequences, she lied, she got caught, people don’t like it. If you don’t want to be judged behave.
Being judgemental is bad when you are wearing the wrong clothes or use the wrong cutlery. Being judges for eating in the street is nonsense. Having an affair and lying about it to your parents while asking them for favours = judge away.

You clearly have strong boundaries with your mum and for good reasons that protect you. Your grandparents sound like they have your interests at heart and at the end of the day you would rather be with them than a “stranger” perhaps by next year the “affair partner “ will get to know the family and be welcomed but it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen this year. Stick to your own boundaries and don’t let your mother guilt you into anything else just to satisfy her own needs/circumstances.

It’s not your place to judge either.

Yes it is. It is very much the OPs place to judge how her DM has treated her grandparents. OP also has every right to judge her as a mother and it sounds like she wasn’t very good.

To be fair, it's the man she cheated on their son with, so not quite the same thing.

She sounds very childish to be honest. But your grandparents ant making you choose, just her, so if that’s the hill she wants to die on, like you say, you just have to leave her to it

Why are people saying the grandparents are annoyed about “cheating on their son”? Unless I’ve read it wrong, the grandparents are the parents of the childish mother. Nothing to do with any of the partners.

I think you’re not unreasonable but not for the reasons many others do. I don’t think it’s your or their place to judge, exit affairs whilst not ok are quite common and she was unhappy,

I think you’re not unreasonable because you don’t wish to go and don’t wish to get in the middle which you shouldn’t.

i woukd explain to her this is between her and her parents, you will be going to your grandparents, but happy to pop in and see them on Boxing Day if she wishes,

No, YOU sound very judgy and supercilious. Can you not see that between the lines, OP’s mum has been a shitty and selfish parent throughout OP’s entire life and that maybe OP is just a bit sick of her mother’s circuses?

OP has said that her mum has never once put her first so OP is perfectly entitled to judge her on that alone, never mind her mum's unreasonable behaviour about Christmas. It sounds like OP has predominantly been parented by her grandparents rather than her mum and therefore her loyalty lies with her grandparents.

There's affairs and there's affairs.

It sounds like this man was single/divorced and not in a relationship when he met your mother.

It sounds like there are only adult children affected.

Bottom line is that your mother fell out of love with her dh.

So what? It happens.

I'm not saying it's right but I think that as no family is being broken up here, your grandparents are being over-the-top.

Most intelligent people consider affairs whereby no minor children are affected are of far less consequences than those that do.

That being said your mother is selfish but that's nothing to do with the affair.

Really? Do you encourage many people to sell themselves?