Which parent is unreasonable?

[Anna987654321]

I know a separated couple who have children and a set arrangement for days with each parent, that doesn’t vary unless there are exceptions made for special occasions/events or holidays. Both parents usually agree a variation with each other when taking the DC on holiday, or special occasions like parties, weddings etc, things that are outside of your control. Then contact just reverts back to the next set day.

Note: the holidays are the same length of time.

Parent A took the DC on holiday.
Parent B missed some set contact days due to the trip.
Parent B picked the DC up on their next allocated day after the holiday.

Parent B planned to take the DC on holiday.
Prior to the trip, Parent A asked for extra time with the DC to compensate for the upcoming holiday, in Parent B’s allocated time.
Parent B said no.
Parent B returned from holiday and DC went to parent A’s as per the usual agreement.
When Parent B’s set time came round again, Parent A again asked for extra time with the DC, on Parent B’s set days to compensate for the holiday days they had missed.
Parent B said no.

Parent A feels that they should be compensated for the time they missed with the DC that fell on their days.

Parent B feels the days should stay the same, not keep disrupting routines, each parent has had a holiday with their DC, and time with DC is not a repayable debt from each others time and wouldn’t expect this themselves.

I think they are both being too rigid and are not thinking of the interests of the child

I think they're both petty and need to grow up.

This 100 fold.

I'm with parent B. It becomes too disruptive of routines to have "compensation days" each time and if they are both flexible for occasions and holidays that is what matters and it surely evens out anyway unless the resident parent is having fake occasions.

Yes it’s all well and good saying both are unreasonable but that doesn’t solve the issue.

I agree with Parent B but would want to work out a harmonious compromise that works in the best interest of the child.

I think parent B is correct. They both have taken the child away and have both missed days.
The only alternative if parent A is going to make a fuss is that they don't get the chance to go away for a week and stick to their set days completely (which would no doubt cause upset as seem on MN when this means missed birthdays and Christmas).

A is being unreasonable, they have both had a holiday where their children were with them full time, so they don’t need “compensation” days as hey had them extra to be able to go on holiday , they just fall back into their normal routine.

however their routine sounds very rigid.

What does the kid want to do?

My kids could probably decide if they wanted other days at a family member's house to make up for ones they missed while we were on holiday by about 6 or 7.

Both parents need to get a grip and do what is best for the children and not point scoring with the other parent

How old are the children?

If young, it can’t be good for them to miss being with one parent for too long due to being with the other parent for longer than scheduled, even if that’s for a holiday.
If the parents can be mature enough it can be balanced out by returning to the scheduled home but other parents pops over to have tea with them as extra or something like that.

Sharing custody like this - constantly swapping homes - is never in the best interests of the child. So some upset should always be expected. But the child should have their preference as far as possible.

If older, leave it for them to say when they want to move from one to the other.

Well it doesn’t sound like A was all for this idea of making up days when it was them who’d taken the children on holiday.

Generally, I think better to not make time up as it’s probably disruptive to the children. I’d have a different view if it was a significant holiday - like they’d taken the children to see family abroad for a month. But even then I wouldn’t see it as “let’s make up the exact number of days” but as a nice thing to do for children who’ve probably missed the other parent.

One parent likely has a financial incentive to make sure the child stays at their home a certain amount of days per month

In both situations Parent A already has the DC returned to their care, and doesn’t want to hand them over to Parent B on their time as wants to keep them longer as compensation time.

Then a more formal route might need to be taken if it's worth the hassle. Though that might disadvantage both parents.

You know a separated couple and you are giving it this much head space? If this is your situation... How old are the kids? Compensation for time missed seems like point scoring and who could cope with all the stress. I'm going on holiday on Thursday. This means my ex husband will miss out on 4 pm visits and 2 over nights. The conversation goes what dates are you away? I he gives them spending money and wishes them a great holiday. I thought that was fairly standard?

Well you both said no to extra time so what are you arguing about.

Do they have the DCs 50/50?

If so they should just stick to allocated days and not claw back time unless one parent is constantly going on holiday.

However if one person has them much more and the other parent only has EOW for example, then that parent should be allowed to have their time else it’s not fair.

Partner A needs to realise it may even work in their favour when it comes to their holidays in particular with the DC.
PA should be more reasonable and as Partner B said, minimal change to the norm makes a lot of good sense to me.

What do the kids want?

So it's OK for Parent A to take a holiday with the child and Parent B misses some set days with the child, but when Parent B wants to do EXACTLY what Parent A has done (so Parent A misses ,set days) Parent B is unreasonable????

Bonkers.

I did scroll back to see if I'd missed their ages as that dictates their understanding of and ability to express any preferences or opinions.
@Anna987654321 hasn't responded yet.

Yes I was thinking the same. Either you agree to "compensate" or you dont.
If A believed that compensation was due then should have offered to B (they seem like the main carer) when they took DC on hols.
Personally i prefer to have the routine ie the days are rhe days and if anything exceptional happens you just revert back to the routine. What happens if there is a school trip on A time? Will A demand B gives up some of their time to compensate A for the loss of time??
If A has the kids and wont hand them over on the allocated day and there's a court order in place then A is definitely not following the order !

Parent A should just let the kids keep their normal routine as B has said no. Both need to grow up and put the kids first.

Very unreasonable. Parent A seems OK with depriving Parent B of their time, however.