In laws wrote me out of will - AIBU to be offended?

[Watdidusay]

My DH has been informed by his FIL there's a line in his will that says I'm not to receive anything.

Not a line that excludes me - a line that says money and assets are not to be received by me.

It's not about the money - more just I feel this is a statement.

I have a great relationship with my in laws or at least that's how I thought. Married 22 years. FIL has always been paranoid about being taken advantage of and I believe this is in that vein.

Still I feel after all this time I don't know why they felt the need to do this.

AIBU to be annoyed they went out of their way to exclude me? Not about the money.

Both my Mum and MIL had/have will clauses that if we stay married the inheritance share goes to their child or the child's spouse if either one of us is widowed. Very fair minded I think, based on us all being family.

Husband and I both have siblings who all have children and for them inheritance goes from their Mum to them or their children, not spouse. My sisters chose this, don't know if it was discussed with in laws.

All a line like that does, in the absence of a trust being set up, is prevent direct inheritance. It is an express statement disinheriting OP, though, and in that sense will feel really mean and spiteful. In actuality, though, once OP’s spouse inherits he can do whatever he wishes with his it with regards to gifting, sharing or mixing it.

I know my PiLs have horror stories of inheritance issues - funds going to surviving spouses who remarry and their new/2nd spouse inherits the only asset (the house) effectively depriving the children of the first spouse. Also heard about divorces meaning half of the inheritance ends up being lost in a divorce and - unless there is a backstory of marital problems, children from former relationships etc - then I would just assume this is an old person’s paranoia.

But I might also wonder if my spouse has been saying things or behaving in a way that parents have construed as being a sign that they might one day leave the marriage. I’d probably want to know that DH was actually happy and there wasn’t something I was missing or not being told.

I’ve been with my DH for nearly 35 years, 25 of them married. I know that although my PiL’s Will will be divided between DH and his sister, with possible smaller provisions for our DC as only grandchildren, if I am not named in the will it is because they know DH will provide for/share with me and take care of their grandchildren - and not because they are in anyway excluding me. I would find that expressly exclusionary line, if it appeared in their will, to be really hurtful to be honest.

Why would ILs be in a will anyway? Surely it’s the persons children who gets put in the will, not their partners.

Do you mean in the event of your husband dying before you and your pil will being split equally by their remaining children ?
If so I think that is quite common .
My dh does nothing for his parents . I am the one that phones them , visits more than dh , does more admin for them , is the cards / present / birthday remembering etc person but should my dh die before then then his portion of inheritance goes to his siblings .
I think that is pretty normal .

He’s made a bloodline will . It ensures his estate goes to his bloodline relatives.

I think it is very normal for people to leave assets to their own children, then grandchildren.

Unless it is a family business, and you own shares and work within it, I would not feel affended.

If your DH inherits anything then it'll surely be left to you should he predecease you? I can only assume they they received advice??

I think people who are replying ‘it’s normal to not be included in the will’ are completely misunderstanding the difference between being included and being specifically named as someone to be excluded.

It is normal to name beneficiaries- it is highly unusual to single out individuals to be excluded.

My father specifically named someone in his will who was to be excluded from inheriting or interacting in any way with assets. This was because he was very concerned about them jeopardizing the estate.

I don’t think the Op was expecting to be named as a beneficiary. Just not expecting to be explicitly excluded from benefitting. It is unusual and possibly unworkable.

That said without seeing the actual wording it’s impossible to properly interpret.

Agreed.

As other posters have said, to exclude you as a beneficiary they have to just not mention you in the requests. So it seems very pointed to specifically state you aren't a beneficiary.

I wonder if it's a clumsy attempt at saying anything your husband receives is not to be considered joint marital funds if you divorce. Though once the money has passed I don't think FIL's stipulation will have any effect (for example of your H chooses to merge the funds into the family home etc). Even if H keeps it separate during the marriage the divorce court could order it to be divided if the other assets would not be adequate to address both parties needs.

To do what FIL seems to want he would have to set it up as a trust which doesn't seem to be the case.

Do you have kids?
Is your marriage in good shape?

Still I feel after all this time I don't know why they felt the need to do this.

I would be more concerned why your husband told you this tbh.
Surely he would intend to share any Inheritance with his wife anyway so why tell you? What is he hoping to gain from imparting this information knowing it would be hurtful.?

but the person who makes the will can refuse to do this?

This. I would wonder why he told you and wonder what his feelings are about it.....and I'd ask you husband both those qiestions if it was me.

My DH had a couple of inheritances from his family I didn't get anything neither did I expect to. Of course your DH could share it with you if he wanted to and I assume it would become marital assets if you got divorced..

Do they leave it all to someone else in the event of your DH predeceasing them and want to make sure you wouldn't have a claim? Probably just something the lawyer told them to put in not a personal insult.

I would not expect to recieve anything from my in-laws. My husband is an only child and I already know that a couple of family heirlooms have been given to his cousins. It's odd to include a statement that nothing is go to you as if you'd claim the money and skip off into the sunset. I would assume once it's your husbands if he wants to give it to you that's his choice or it may go to your combined finances.

Well I hope ILs won’t be needing any support as they get older, as you have the perfect get out clause not being family and all.
I mean to be fair I haven’t read the wording but I think my DPs will says if I have deceased the money ( if anything left as both now in care homes) would go to DS, but DH is listed as equal power of attorney so they clearly trust him.

Surely it’s just a clause to the will stating if your DH passes away before you then the
assets he is due to inherit then go to your DC. Thats not unusual or odd my own parents have it in their will and they have great time for my DH. It’s nothing against DH. It’s just protecting their grandchildren. We’ve all heard the horror stories.

Sounds normal to me.

How many children are there is the husband the only child?
I think this says more about your husband trying to protect his share. At the moment of death your husband inherited his share and he can do what he likes - no ring fencing.

My friends was married but her husband was keeping his money to himself they have two children together, he has no children from an earlier marriage he wanted to set it up so his (marital home) that they have lived in for 25 years goes direct to their children and so does all his assets - I reminded her that all money should be family money and indeed this is financial coercive control. She married and raised the children - according to the law it should be 50/50. For too long she has lived off what he gives her etc

and then he started staying the boys would get everything as he doesn’t trust her not to remarry etc - she has no intention.

She was to be left destitute basically on in the control of her sons. It came out he has been abusing her for years, she filed for divorced and she got 65% of all the assets.

she has purchased a smaller house and lives with her her dog, ironically her will lives everything to her two adult sons. I viewed it as just another way to try to control the woman.

I recently inherited, my husband never even knew the person - never met her. It is still our money and is going into joint savings. If we get divorced it is half his.

If you husband dies before you- you get nothing and your children get nothing or are they inheriting his share (if you have children)

if you don’t have children and say there are two brothers - that’s pretty crap of them to say his wife gets nothing.

I think it’s a bit unnecessarily spiteful but I have never expected to inherit directly from my in laws so this wouldn’t really change anything financially for me. My husband would choose how to use his inheritance (like I did with mine), with our family and children in mind. I think it’s a blessing to have been told this now, instead of being used for all your “woman caring duties” and then finding out afterwards.

I wouldn't expect to be a recipient of anything in my in laws will. All money should go to surviving children with maybe a token gift to the grandkids. A bit odd to specify but maybe he has picked up that you think you should get something?

I sympathise. My inlaws gifted money to my husband to buy a home, reluctantly after promising to do so for 15 years. It was made every clear it was HIS house (yes actual words said). After 20 years of marraige and emotionally supporting them, it was the final slap in the face. I won't be doing it anymore.

I find this odd as surely a will only states who recievies something not who does not recevie anything.

I'd be interested to see how exactly this is worded in the will. Has DH seen the will or is he just relaying what FIL has told him verbally.

I would also find this very hurtful and unnecessary. What was DH's intention when he passed this on to you