To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

I find that very hard to understand. Did they do their will themselves without legal advice? Even a halfway competent solicitor would have known to advise them to leave money to be split between x,y,z "and future issue".

Yes, it was careless but everyone agreed that it was their wish.

All this talk of fairness is bullshit.

It's not for you, your son, your ex, your horrible in-laws, or anybody else to decide that the wants of the deceased should be ignored. Essentially, it's his/her money to do with what they please and they chose that.

I would genuinely ignore/block anyone who tries to discuss it further and tell your eldest to do the same. I've become very scorched earth since menopause, admittedly, but this is just so audacious! Relative gets to decide what to do with their money, and they did. It is only for you to follow their wishes.

My parents' wills name the grandchildren they're leaving inheritances to. Youngest child is too old to have more children and they chose not to risk someone coming out of the woodwork, plus there are issues with siblings' partners having children who aren't their grand kids etc.

It does happen.

Surely if the deceased person had wanted to change their will they would have done? They didn’t therefore the last wishes as stated should be carried out. I’d be really pissed off if someone started changing what I’d arranged in my will after I’m dead.

I seriously doubt that the relative of your exH left everything to your DCs.
In which case why can't the other recipients contribute?

It sounds as if you have navigated a difficult family situation really well and sensibly with a great deal of grace and self-sacrifice. I really admire the way you have protected your children and maintained a civil atmosphere in the face of stalking and physical assault from your exDH and BIL. Your boundaries are sound, as are your instincts.
You are right to support DC. You are right that wills are important legal documents to be respected. I fear you may have to reveal a bit more of the circumstances of your split to eldest DC if you are to protect them from guilt tripping and bullying, which I suspect is going to be horrible.
I suggest you advise him to say “I have not seen the will and I have no proceeds. Until anything changes I don’t want to think about it or discuss it. I want to remember my deceased great-aunt fondly with nothing clouding my memory of her. I will correspond with the lawyer but nobody else on this matter. Please don’t ask me anything more about it as I’m not in a position to answer”. Cut paste and repeat for every fresh message. And say nothing more.
You need a similar message which reads “This is absolutely nothing to do with me and beyond supporting DC, I intend to stay out of it” again cut, paste and repeat.
I'm assuming, as DC are named in the will, the lawyer will have to deal with the DC directly. There can be no chance of exDH or MIL trying to change the terms of the will without lawyer speaking to DC?
Your strongest suit is the fact the youngest DC cannot inherit yet, cannot vary the will and nobody can vary it for them. If I were you, I’d really advice both DC to say absolutely nothing to anyone about the will until the proceeds have been dispersed. Good luck. I’m sorry you are being pulled back into this nightmare but you sound eminently sensible.

Oh good Lord no, it goes to who it was given to!

Tell you what, mind... something else has just occurred to me. Funeral's going to be fun..!! (In seriousness, this is another awful consequence. Presumably at minimum your eldest would have wanted to go to the funeral, and possibly your youngest too. Give it's a funeral, perhaps you might have chosen to accompany them even though your own relationship with the deceased might not otherwise have led you to attend? A lot of assumptions from me there, and perhaps I'm wrong. But if I'm right, under the current circumstances it's hard to imagine how any of you can feasibly go without starting a scene from Shameless. It's such a shame. Money really does corrupt people.

The OP has said who the beneficiaries are, if you read all her posts