To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

YANBU. Respect the wishes of the person who made the will.

Yes, that’s sort of how opinions work - every person has one. If you’ve read guilt into the situation as well then that’s grand.

Mum of The Strangler?
I can already picture her in my mind, like Giant Haystacks in a wig.

This changes the balance of the discussion and it would have been better to open with this info. That your kids were willing and friendly to this elderly relative firms up my view that your kids should inherit as instructed. No question about it.

My very aged parents died without changing their will to include their latest GC I did ask the solicitor and he passed on the message to the other two cousins. They were very kind, so instead of splitting the inheritance by four, it was shared by five.

"Splitting the inheritance three ways seems fair."

Why (Serious question btw)?

The deceased has clearly stated what they wish to happen with their estate. Why is it in any way "fair" to go against what the person wishes to happen with their money?

The example you give was a clear mistake of immediate family. OPs situation is very different. It’s a distant non blood relative and they seem to have been pretty clear with their wishes.

Respect the wishes of the person whose money it was.

From everything that has been written here I doubt that will be the case.

Although, even with most families, cousin relationships are not always close. I have 11 cousins on my dad's side and 7 on my mum's side. To be totally frank, there are only two out of those 18 that I keep in touch with and with 8 out of 11 cousins on my dad's side, I only ever met them once in my entire life.

This.

Tell him he can block numbers if the emotional black mail gets to much or if he starts getting threats as well - and tell him to tell you if that happens so he's not alone with it.

I'd make it clear until the estate is sorted and the will read and probate granted and monies distributed it's unclear what if anything is coming his way.

They may have found an old will or decided on partial information.

I've mentioned above that DH told me to give his adult grandchild a sum of money. (Not a huge amount by MN standards, from what I can see on these boards, but significant for us.)

When I told our solicitor, he was vehemently against it since the bequest wasn't in the will. I explained again that it was my DH's wish and asked the solicitor to send the cheque with a covering letter from him to say that it was being sent according to my husband's verbal wish, together with jewellery which had belonged to my MIL, some of which had significant value. It was taken out of my inheritance so no one else lost out.

I've since been told that when the solicitor objected it would have been because he was keeping me right (as was executor) and also looking after my interests (as his client).

The OP's relatives do not appear to be suggesting a deed of variation - as others have pointed out, in any case one of affected beneficiaries is a minor and could not consent. (I'm unclear as to whether parents can agree on behalf of a minor.) There is no evidence at all that she intended to give anything to "Emily" - quite the opposite, in fact, since she's given most of it to charity. (In fact, I suspect that the charity would need to agree to a deed of variation.)

It seems to me that they're trying to circumvent the law by coercing the OP's elder son into gifting a significant amount of his inheritance to 'Emily', thus entrusting a large amount of money to Emily's parents.

This all seems very shady, to say the least. I'm wondering whether a solicitor has been appointed as the executor: the attempted coercion indicates to my suspicious mind that Emily's immediate family have already investigated whether there is a legal avenue that they can follow.

If Emily's family genuinely thought that that they could contest the great-aunt's will, I"m sure that they would.

Gosh, this has upset you a lot I see. You can think whatever you like you know, it’s OK.

I think in your shoes I'd get down to CAB and get some advice regarding a cease and desist order to protect your older ds. I'd also consult a solicitor anyway, giving them the full picture in case the family try anything underhand to get around this will that clearly doesn't fit their preferences. As for the other cousin's life being "ruined", that's ridiculous. None of these cousins should have been expecting anything anyway. It doesn't sound like yours were. I hope they can be supported to enjoy it as the unexpected surprise that it is. If your ex bil is the nasty thug you described, there may be some other issue you're not aware of. He's hardly likely to be like that to you in isolation and a lovely person to everyone else, is he? It sounds like the deceased made a decision they chose to make. It was their money. Their wishes should prevail. Get a good solicitor!

I’d block all contact with the family, you don’t need to communicate with anyone apart from exH

No really Ubbert - take some time to come up with something witty. No one will think any less of you.

But how can that be achieved, legally?

@IfIHadAHeart

I agree that the wishes of the deceased should be followed. If your ex's family feel differently then they can contest the will. Since they're harassing you and your DC it does make me wonder if there is a letter explaining the bequests or if the will itself explains things, either by date signed or in the body of the will.

If your ex's family feel that Emily has been so hard done by, let them mention her in their wills or get together and part with some of their own money to 'make make it right' for her.

I agree with sending your ex a message saying "I'm telling you and you need to tell your family to stop sending me abusive messages" but I don't think I'd block them. It's possible they may send a message that lets you know something you should know, like "Well, then I'm going to talk to <your kids> in person myself!!" or similar. Your main job now (and I know you know this) is to support and protect them as best you can.

The opposite happened to us: my DHs aunt died. Her will named her grandnephews, who were 6 and 8. My son was 1. DH's aunt told DH'S mum she wanted to leave the money to all her grandnieces and nephews when she died, she hadn’t updated the will when she died (she was relatively young in her 60s). My DHs parents and sister decided to share it between sisters children only- something that would have never happened in my family. Would have been different if his aunt hadn’t have said all her great nieces and nephews but I can’t see how this is at all fair.

You children ARE doing the right thing. They are following the wishes of the will.

The fact that the relative left everything else to charity and not to any other realtives except your sons, the intent is clear and easy to understand.
Your sons visited and helped out the relative. The other family did not bother but now want a "reward". Nope, that is not how it works!

Absolutely this!We all work our socks off and make provision as to who gets what. Respect their decisions and don’t succumb to bullying. I think by supporting your child you are demonstrating loyalty and accepting decisions . Good luck.

Are you the MIL?

On what planet is it "good" to ride roughshod over the wishes of the dead relative?

@IfIHadAHeart your inlaw's behaviour is outrageous. I was going to suggest that your sons might choose (emphasis on choose) to share a portion of their inheritance with cousin. But given your MIL's & SIL's behaviour I suspect that would cause even more problems!

As other posters have said, the will is a legal document and must be respected.
The only thing to do is to keep telling them "if you are unhappy with the will then I suggest you take it up with {insert name of deceased relative}".
Rinse and repeat as necessary.

This is a really horrible situation, I am so sorry. I would be utterly furious if my wishes were contested in any will I left, as I would have very good reasons for any choices made.

I also think it's really awful for the family to start harrassing and guilt tripping your children.

I'd send a firm message to your ex, that there are to be no more messages to your children about the will. I'd be screenshotting them all. When the details of the solicitor come out, I'd perhaps speak to them on behalf of your children, especially if the family keep trying to push.

Money can do awful things to people when someone dies. I don't believe any of us are owed anything (from anyone!) I hate any discussion about people's getting x or y or people falling out over it.

I hope my parents spend all their money throughout their retirement and don't have any left to pass on!

I think it was incredibly cruel for them to send a message to your son saying that 'Emily is crying' about it. That would send me into an absolute rage, the emotional blackmail is sickening.