To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

the law is the law, it’s not really up for debate. It’s your DCs money and that’s all there is to it, money always creates monsters in these situations whichever way you look at it so I wouldn’t even be considering what they’re asking.

Will no one use that time honoured Mumsnet phrase "No is a complete sentence". Don't explain, speculate or try and justify. This will was specifically written like this. (Some of ) the money being left to charity could have been left to the cousin without impacting your DCs. This is specific drating for kindness shown to an unrelated elderly person. It doesn't matter when it was written. Tell the inlaws to get stuffed. Support your DC. Protect them and be grateful that someone thought enough of them to give them a headstart in life. Make sure your oldest is not being pressured about this separately and encourage them to block people if necessary.

I’d say we’ll be respecting the will and not discussing it further.

@IfIHadAHeart forgetting this inheritance, do you believe the ILs will leave money to your DC (their GC) in future now that their son is your exDH? Because they can leave their estate to anyone … I’m not saying who is right or wrong here just throwing this out there as something to think about. They might adjust what your DC get as a result, or they may not be planning on leaving anything to anyone.

I am inclined to think this relative did this on purpose for some reason but I have no evidence. I think I’d want to find out if there had been a falling out, in which case why should your DC go against the giver’s wishes.

But that still wouldn’t stop your ILs evening things up in future.

Legally it's theirs. MIL needs to butt out.

With it being quite unexpected and so specific I think I would try and find out when it was written. I would imagine that the mowing the lawn and popping in for a cuppa has meant quite a lot to this person though, it is a proper relationship and I imagine with no ulterior motives attached.

Just no and she should mind her own business.

I’ve been divorced for years. I keep contact with my exH to a minimum for reasons already given, and have no relationship with the wider family. Were I to bump into them in the supermarket I doubt we’d even make conversation beyond “hello”. I don’t suspect anything - I have no way of knowing when the will was or was not written. As my DC have gotten older, they have been supported to maintain an independent relationship with any relative of their choosing.

I have had extremely limited contact with the deceased since my divorce. I dropped off some dog-related items about 2 years ago as they fostered rescue dogs and I had some things we no longer needed. Occasionally younger DC would ask to be picked up if it was raining and I’d have a few minutes chit-chat. Nothing that would give me insight into their final wishes. I’m not being difficult, I just genuinely don’t know.

As I’ve said they only passed away a few days ago so I’m sure more detail will come to light in time.

OP, as your youngest is under age, I believe it would be deeply wrong to telling what he can do with his future inheritance, ie. he has to give part to his eldest brother.

The cheeky of them all.
Ignore them.

Remember if you did encourage this, your sons could be rightly angry with you at a future date for pressurising them to part with THEIR inheritance.

They would have every right to be angry.
Do not in any way advocate that they give THEIR inheritance away.

Refuse to engage.
Keep all foul messages, you may need them.

Trying to interfere and influence the distribution of a will is a crime.
Keep those messages.

It doesn’t matter. The Will is just what is written and the only thing that legally documents the wishes of the benefactor.
They felt a connection or fondness to the OP’s children and so wanted to leave some money to them.
Extrapolating to the nth degree with what ifs is not relevant.

All of that is irrelevant to the question.

Other than you claiming you have no way of knowing when the will was written.

You can't possibly just ask.

I would expect this to cause extreme fractures between the relationships of your DC and their father's family. But you and SIL have a problem with each other, so that's all fine by you.

How will your DC feel when MIL cuts them out of her will because she thinks they are being greedy now, or has she got nothing to leave, so you don't care about that either?

It still doesn’t matter. The deceased may have actively chosen not to update the Will despite another child being born.

Its your DCs money. Therefore the choice sits with them.

I might not agree with the choice but I would support it.

However I wonder if youd feel the same if it have been 1 of your DC and the cousin who got it but not your 2nd.

Id think about how close the kids were, ask DC why they dont to share, encourage them to thibk about it and decide.. and if they decided not to share id back them

Don’t ask them to think about sharing. That’s totally unfair on the DCs and adds unnecessary guilt on a very young adult and a child (who can’t decide anyway).

Yes, any one of us could feel aggrieved if the shoe is on the other foot but we would have to just deal with it.

Sounds like he left them the money because of the actual relationship he had with your kids rather than because of the familial connection. Your MIL needs to wind her neck in.

Extreme fractures if they occur will be down to the in-laws not respecting the wishes of the deceased. It’s not greedy for OP’s DC to respect her will and accept the gifts she’s given. You’ve got a real bee in your bonnet about this and are being unpleasant to OP who hasn’t done anything wrong and is supporting her children who also haven’t done anything wrong.

This seems a very fair will. They have left the majority to charity but left a bequest to 2 people who have helped them or spent time with them. I bet the cousin and parents never spent any time with the deceased or helped them in any way. Your children have been rewarded for being good people.

Also - if your eldest gave part of his share away there would be absolutely no obligation on your youngest to compensate him for this when he reaches 18. So it would be a very unwise move.

That sounds like the most elegant idea and I‘d expect less for your DC or in fact nothing from MIL‘s estate after your kids had their share.

How close are you to that side of the family?

I agree with this. I don’t the family link necessarily has any relevance. It’s not ‘family money’ it is money belonging to an individual who wanted to reward 2 people who were nice enough to spend time with them and help them. If the person leaving the money was a neighbour, nobody would be suggesting the other cousin got a share.

I have addressed any potential inheritance from exPIL in an earlier post. It’s none of my business and totally up to them how they divide their estate. My DC understand this.

If I had a better relationship with the family, I could ask. But I have spent many years maintaining a distance from them for good reason. My exH spent 18 months after our separation literally stalking me. ExPIL went into the workplaces of various family members badmouthing me and accusing me of all sorts.

It’s not exSIL I have a particular issue with, it was her husband who saw me, grabbed me by the throat and pinned me against a wall in the pub, shouting at me that I was cheating on my then DH. I was not. This is nothing to do with me being petty or vengeful. I have shielded my DC from all of this - all they know from my side is that their parents divorced as the relationship wasn’t working out. I don’t bad mouth them, I’ve supported them to maintain all family relationships, just without my involvement.

This is a massively complicated family that I have managed to extract myself from with great difficulty. The date of the will will become clear in the next few weeks. None of it is my business and I have no desire to involve myself in any of it beyond supporting my own DC, which was my AIBU.

Excellent point. I wouldn’t want to cause a massive rift between my own kids for the sake of some cousin.

No, that's true. And what the beneficiaries choose to do with it through their own free will is entirely up to them. But that's not what's happening here. Other players are trying to over-write the will-writers wishes because they have decided their opinion is more important than the deceased. That's what would fuck me off if it were my will!

I wouldn’t be pinning handing over any money now on the expectation of any inheritance from PiL further down the line. The family dynamics sound fractured already.

If the cousin has been born after the will was written I would encourage your son to share his inheritance on the basis of fairness. This money is a complete surprise to your son so it is a bonus and it won't harm him to share. My grandparents will didn't take into account my youngest cousin or two step children that joined after it was written, but they didn't differentiate how they treated any of the children when they were alive, so we agreed it would be fair for them to benefit too. We also received a set amount so the money for additional GCs did come out of the share of my parents generation. I disagree with your MIL's approach though and I'd suggest that he put aside one third of his share for his cousin to receive when he reaches 18, and his sibling should do the same when he reaches 18.

have only read OPs posts - just say "no thank you" and see what happens.
These are not your family - they are relatives of your ex. The deceased has written a will and that is it.

If the deceased family want to challenge the will that is up to them. You sit tight, and anyone who starts harassing you gets reported to the police.