Things you've considered leaving your DP for (lighthearted)

[Craziesareoutinfullforce]

My DP keeps putting the forks back with the spoons. There will even be one spoon left in the slot and he will just chuck the forks on top of them. I go to get a spoon out, I pick up a fork, and I'm ready for a fight. Seriously though if carries on I'm contacting a divorce lawyer because I just don't need this kind of toxic energy in my life.

Fire away

Putting his dirty crockery on the top of the dishwasher, never ever ever actually in it. I leave it there for as long as my sanity can stand seeing it. Then when I put it in , he says " oh I was just going to do that "
I actually want to stab him.

Never replacing anything. Toilet roll, he just leaves the last square on the roll so it’s not finished, Shower gel, leaves it empty in the shower so I have to get out wet. Toothpaste, empty fucking tube. Has never once refilled the hardwash pump thingies, pet food storage containers, last bit fed to pet, not refilled. I could go on…

I now just take my own loo roll in and return it to the cupboard, same with shower gel and toothpaste. I feel like I’m in student accommodation or something. Drives me insane.

We put a throw on our bed to keep the cat hair off it. Because I’m a civilised human, I run a lint roller over it to remove said cat hair and always put it the same way up. He does not use the lint roller and puts it hairy side down.

He also thinks clothes on airers finishing off take forever to dry so he leaves them for me to decide if they’re dry. Trust me, if it was on the line outside on Monday, it will now be dry because today is Friday.

@harbourlightsbaby , the toothpaste! Mine has ALWAYS got the last bit out of any toothpaste tube we’ve ever owned in the past 20 years. Has never got the new tube out of the cupboard. It’s a mystery.

Accents. He always says certain words or phrases in particular accents, like Somerset, Irish, American... Somehow he thinks this is funny. It wasn't funny the first time, it certainly isn't funny several times a week. And the best bit is that the kids also now say these words in his stupid accents and think it's hilarious.

Using my power bank and not charging it after (we both have ancient iPhones with awful batteries) so I bought him his own power bank but he still uses mine as his is never charged! And this is from a guy who I’d actually a wonderful husband fwiw, but also thinks he gets mental load 😂

Whistling. Clearing his throat. Breathing

The smell of his flatulence. It’s ungodly. He mainly does it in his sleep so it’s semi trapped under the covers meaning it slowly seeps out. Nowhere is safe, I can’t cover my face under the blanket to escape it, nor can I avoid it outside of the blanket. It gives me the rage!

Over the last 21 years, I’ve realised the best form of action is to raise one of my legs creating an opening at the bottom of the duvet to release the smell at that end.

I often wonder whether I’d have stayed with him if he was comfortable enough to fart this way when we first met. I definitely wouldn’t have.

A bathroom tap that would drip if you didn't tightly turn it.
He would not tighten it. No matter how many times I asked.
It was bad ...
Now I make him mad because the car is full of bags of rocks I've collected, that I haven't carried in yet, and it's bad for mileage.

Swings and roundabouts

Tea towel abuse, after washing his hands in the kitchen he will insist on drying his hands on one despite having a proper hand towel right next to him, he doesn't rinse his hands properly either he leaves dirty soapy foam all over it. When he makes himself toast , marmalade and coffee he will use a tea towel to wipe up the mess he's made on the worktops instead of a dishcloth.

Throwing his dirty clothes on the floor in front of the laundry basket instead of it. I

I’ve got one like this!!

His ultimate annoying thing is to repeat the punchline or funny quotes out loud, therefore talking over the next bit of the programme…. I could stab him, I really could!
If he’s watching one of “his” programmes bloody war films I say ok, I’ll read my IPad - but no talking, just enjoy your film. It lasts seconds before he’s yakking away at me about who’s in it, what else they’ve been in, the ruddy plotline etc. Honestly does my head in!

Performative sneezing. Once the cat was sat on my knee, he does one of his explosive ott sneezes, cat propels himself across the room using my leg as a launchpad, goughing bloody furrows in my thigh. But he can't help it.🥺

Not being able to close anything behind him, like ever.

Wardrobe door? Left ajar.
Drawer? Left 3/4 shut.
Lounge door? Left 1/2 shut.
Storage cupboard door? Left 3/4 shut.

Every single door or drawer is ALWAYS left open.

It makes the house look dishevelled and untidy, and I walk through the house slamming doors & drawers shut like the bloody gorilla in the Dairy Milk advert with the Phil Collins song 'In the air tonight', every damn day!

Breathing.

Empties the dishwasher but anything to go in the cupboard -pans/frying pan or Lock&Lock tubs and Pyrex - get left on the worktops .

The other adult male in the house (DS) squeezes his toothpaste in the middle and twists it .
I show him his crimes .
We have one of those key thingies to squueze a tube
"You will always be single" I rtell him.

Dragged up he is . Dragged up .

Lately, drying a few dishes and leaving them on the worktop next to the sink instead of putting them away. Thinks he’s done his bit but I just leave them there too. Whistling in the supermarket or any shop. I really try to go alone. Hacking up phlegm every morning. Answering the questions on the Chase while eating, with a mouthful of food. Repeating lines from television programmes - I’m sure this is echolalia. Snoring, sleeping all afternoon for no real reason. I’ve got a lot of hobbies by the way!

That would be divorce.

Doing a job but leaving me to clear up. Unpacking boxes, but leaving empty boxes in the living room for me to de label and recycle. Feeding the dog but not putting dog food and scales away. Don’t even get me started on the mess from cooking and the million and one pans. I could go on.

Giving the child calpol
My husband has a syringe filled with calpol in his hand and says 'There's one dose left'

I think thats okay one more before bed and i can buy more tomorrow. Go to give the a dose of calpol and he says there is none left.

Surely most people would take what he said as there is a dose left in the bottle. Most people would say ' this is the last dose.'

Replicate with toilet roll and whatever else.
There's one roll left etc

Almost divorced my husband over a cheese grater once, I wanted an electric one and his argument for not getting one was "well you'll still be grating the cheese" NO I F*CKING WON'T THE MACHINE DOES IT FOR YOU 😭

I call mine "half a job [surname]". He'll do a small amount of something, pat himself on the back, and the rest will disappear from consciousness. Drives me mad.

He also snores. I could write a book on that one.

Performative sneezing and yawning.

Talking through everything (in fact, scrolling on his phone while "watching" everything to Google random things that pop into his head, then telling us where we've seen that actor/what year the film was made). Etc. Shut. UP.

He doesn’t listen. Then insists I haven’t told him things I have. Drives me mental.

eating habits 🤮
not using a toilet brush (he doesn’t understand why I find this disrespectful or even have a problem)
Rarely being willing to walk anywhere, never ever joining me for a dog walk.
Not washing up properly, leaving everything g covered in ‘stuff’
Using five times the amount of washing up liquid that’s required and not rinsing, leaving everything tasting of detergent.
Not counting every Friday night down the pub as going out and always always having some comment or other on the rare occasion I go out
Letting five empty cups build up in our en-suite before finally getting the message and taking them down.
Constantly coughing up snot and swallowing it (I’d probably do time for this one)
Washing just the very tips of his fingers in just a tiny bit of water as a hand wash - 🤮
Putting wet plates/cutlery away instead of drying them
Never ever picking the dog shit up in the garden
Doom scrolling and smoking for hours and hours in the garden.
Never wanting to watch TV on the front room - always in bed - no matter what the time is! 🥱

Never ever listening, especially about dates, so I have to verbally say, write it in his diary and text. The text is simply fit evidence so the later argument is over quickly

Another cutlery one: the tray in the kitchen drawer ,from the right, goes knives, forks , spoons, in that order. He occasionally moves them around so they go forks, spoons , knives. He's a psychopath.
More cutlery related annoyances: puts a bowl back in the fridge with the spoon still in it, leaves the butter knife after use on top of the butter.

Pathalogical inability to close drawers. Even when he closes them they're still open 1 or 2 cm.

Leaving his clothes in front of the washing machine instead of putting them in the laundry basket which is in the same room. Putting the knives blade up in the dishwasher.