To not want to go over MIL for christmas dinner?

[ZeStreng]

because she's a terrible cook?

We don't usually eat at my MIL and FIL's house. Food hygiene has always been a bit of a concern for us. She tends to keep sauces and other items long past their use-by dates!, and there's often food in the fridge that's way past its best.

When the children were younger, we used to alternate Christmas Day between my parents and my husband's parents. However, once the kids were around 4 and 2, we decided to start spending Christmas at home instead.

Since then, we haven't spent Christmas Day at my in-laws'. They haven't invited us over, and they haven't come to ours on Christmas Day either.

When we stopped alternating, my parents would still pop round on Christmas morning to watch the children open their presents. They've naturally stopped doing that now that both kids are teenagers. We've only gone out for Christmas lunch with my parents twice, once when my grandad had a terminal diagnosis and another year when a family member was celebrating a milestone birthday on Christmas Day. They also came to us last year with my nan.

This year, my in-laws have invited us over for Christmas dinner, but if I'm honest, nobody is particularly keen. Even my husband is trying to find a polite way to decline because he's not a fan of his mum's cooking either. The difficulty is that MIL is feeling quite upset about it as she can tell we don't want to go over.

I don't want to eat a terrible meal on Christmas day! I also resent going over a bit when they never come over to us and we had the young kids.

Invite them to yours and say it's easier for the kids to be in their own house, as they're excited to play with new toys, they'll make a mess, etc etc. Get DH to tell them.

Just make a decision and let the wider family know what it is.

These Christmas threads are coming thick and fast, and they're all just variations on the same theme.

Invite them again, your DH must stress how must easier it will be if they come over and they can have a treat.

Your PIL aren't alone, they have each other. It sounds like they don't like going anywhere anyway.

If DH wants to go and see them then he can go there for a few hours and take any kids that want to go.

It doesn't sound like in laws will come to yours but if they accept an invitation will this mean you have to cook differently, e.g. cook a full Christmas dinner that you wouldn't usually cook?

Don't get stuck into a rut of hosting them each other.

This is a simple and sensible suggestion. Do this OP

The kids are teenagers. Maybe not. 😄 Not to say that teenagers wouldn't prefer to be in their own home where they have their own room.

But still invite them to yours. Frame it as a treat for them, not having to cook.

Yes the obvious answer is that they come to you. Make it clear you aren't going to them.

We cannot invite them to ours this year.

We have moved house this year and now only have a breakfast bar with high stalls that fit 4.

MIL also complains our sofa is too low and it gives her a bad back. They haven't even been in our new house since we moved in.

To be honest, I'd suck it up for one day to avoid causing upset.

You can always do a lovely Boxing Day lunch at home for yourselves - it doesn't have to be ON the day.

It does sound like they've been side-lined a bit. It's clearly not that dangerous in their kitchen if they've managed to survive this far!

They always complain of bad stomachs. We haven't ate over there since they fed one of our kids ham that was 10 days out of date when they were 6!

Could you go on a different day but only for afternoon tea/cake and you take along the cake?
Or meet at a cafe/restaurant somewhere in between on a different day?
Or just go for Christmas morning brunch/breakfast?
How far away do they live?

Sounds like my MIL in terms of lack of hygiene. She has 1 cloth. It dries all the cutlery/plates, it wipes down all surfaces including when the cats walk on the bench tops. It cleans the floor after the dogs bring mud in on their feet and serves multiple other uses till it gets washed- weekly.

All their pots/pans dangle from the centre of the kitchen and are covered in dust, grease, animal hairs and flies buzz around it. The pots are never re-washed before being used. 🤢

I wouldn’t go. Invent some reason that you must be at home. Sorry but the Xmas meal is part of the day and I would feel very resentful to be in a manky surrounding with dodgy food.
She can come over. Put some cushions and make the couch comfortable.

This reminds me of a family member of ours who had to go to new in laws for Christmas- in laws famously served an Iceland frozen Xmas dinner. Our family member agreed to go but said he would bring the food so turned up with a butchers turkey and pre prepped M&S vege. Sold it to the in-laws that don’t want them doing all that work on Xmas day. Could something similar work here?

Ok so just go for breakfast and take the food with you "we dont want you going to any trouble Mil so we are happy to provide the food". Lie through your teeth and tell them youve booked lunch out!

Suggest you meet out for lunch?

Say that you don't want to put them out and you'll bring the food and just get a load of stuff from Cook or party bits to put in the oven?

It's one day. Suck it up and go.

Well if it definitely is the state of their kitchen that's making them ill, then taking your own food to cook won't help by the sounds of it (who knows when the oven was last cleaned etc.)

I'm 'lucky' in that I'm vegan so there is very little food that could make me ill compared with meat and dairy, so I may be a bit more laissez-faire about this sort of thing than others, making it easy for me to say I'd suck it up and endure a bad dinner knowing I'd make a better one the next day.

It does sound like they're being snubbed, though, so I'd handle it gently if you don't want to hurt their feelings.

'They'll make a mess 'still applies to teenagers!
Why would 4 people sacrifice their Christmas for 1 sulky adult?

If you can’t have them over to yours and you don’t want to go to theirs (don’t blame you) then you’ll have to go out to eat and invite your in laws.

I would not want to go to such a place either where hygiene standards are low. Restaurants who operate like that ultimately get fined and or closed down for such poor practice.

Dh needs to tell them you people are not going there for Christmas dinner this year. Leave them to it.

Even if OP does decide to go out to eat on Christmas Day her in-laws do not have to be invited.

What do you think has prompted the invite this year given none has been forthcoming for quite some time ?

Do you visit at other times at all ?

Or the OP could live the life that they want, because life is short.

Would they accept an offer for you and DH to cook at their house? Do all the prep beforehand or get ready made stuff to put in the oven?

It wouldn’t be that restful for you so it depends how invested you are about not upsetting them.

Or suggest you all go out for Christmas dinner together?

Maybe once every other month. The kids don't like going as its boring, they don't even turn the TV off when we go over.

Then the decision is made for you. Get DH to say you’re spending Xmas at home and will see them for lunch out in the New Year. If it works for you, you can let DH blame it on you - my DH and I have done this for 25+ years as both our families are mentalists. Respective families each think their offspring is under the control of the spouse. Works for us! :-)