Not ready for baby to stay overnight with family. AIBU?

[spicegirls1]

I’m a first time mum. My baby is only 4 months old. We had a lot of losses before he was born, so we’ve waited a long time for him. Mine and my husbands families are very different. His family like to control every single situation which never bothered me until now. My MIL and SIL keep asking to have my son overnight and keep saying that they can’t wait for a sleepover etc. I think it’s a bit weird…I personally think he should be with me and I don’t feel comfortable with a sleepover just yet. But they keep pushing it. And then when they finally let it go, they say things like…”bless you, you’re just not ready are you? You must be struggling” am I right thinking that they’re being weird??

They're arseholes. Things won't improve. I'd move far, far away from them.

Haha. I never understand why people want this. How strange to want to take a baby away from their mother so soon. This is so ridiculous (on their part).

In fact, it would make me swing entirely the other way and say the baby will ABSOLUTELY NOT BE STAYING for the foreseeable future. and possibly no unsupervised visits. What on earth would they want to do with the baby that they can't do while having a visit with his parents present!?! What a bizarre notion.

Luckily we've never had to deal with this shit. Our parents are reasonable. And we've usually lived abroad.

But try to lay the groundwork now in setting your own boundaries or else they'll think they can rule the roost for you kid throughout their life. Urgh! Sorry you have to deal with this. Can your partner have a word??

I honestly think anyone who wants to separate a 4month old baby from his mother overnight is deranged.

Of course you aren't unreasonable. He's just tiny and should be with his mother. Unless there's an unavoidable emergency, I wouldn't leave mine at this age either. I think mine had one night away from me with extended family in their childhoods. There was just no need for it.

This. Its not normal for little babies to be away from their mum overnight.

Well, I’m weird too. No shame. Do what you feel is best for your family. They’ll just have to wait. And show you a bit more respect. Still, I doubt they even know they sound patronising . Smug people often don’t.

You sound perfectly content with your baby and clearly not interested in their offer so they need to drop it. They sound selfish and patronising.

I get so annoyed with anyone who oversteps with a new mother in this way. I really think it comes across as trying to take advantage of someone who might be feeling vulnerable, is trying to figure out a new role and questioning if they’re doing things ‘right’ - planting seeds of doubt that you’re being too much, too precious, too anxious.

I’ve even heard people blaming/ weaponising hormones or baby blues to make a new mother’s choices sound unreasonable/ unbalanced. (When they were in fact totally normal just different to how this person had done things).

They’ll probably start saying he’s clingy soon as he starts becoming more aware of the world and showing a preference for you. This of course will be your fault for not sharing him about enough (rather than a healthy normal part of his development). Just a forewarning!

It sounds like you’re just enjoying bonding with your tiny baby which is lovely. You don’t have to be ready to leave him at 4m, it’s perfectly normal. Them pushing this with you is overbearing and rude.

If you got along pre baby and this all feels new maybe they’re feeling a bit insecure. Most women are closer to their own families and they might feel worried about being pushed out so are trying to claim their place early doors.

Don’t feel you have to make you or your baby uncomfortable to appease them. Not now doesn’t mean never but now the offer has been made the ball should be in your court as to whether and when/ if you accept it.

Much too young and too early for you, especially after what you had experienced. Just a thanks for the offer but no thanks, maybe in a couple of years. If you did this against your feelings then you would worry/ feel bad and bereft so no rest. Also a baby is better with with its mother wherever possible, it will also give you both a strong bond.

I think if you want to keep from blowing things up with them you practice super friendly caring gooey responses. Eg the ‘are you struggling’ comment- you say ‘goodness no I just adore her so much, I can’t imagine how anyone lets their baby go for a whole night, right now I don’t think that is happening in the next decade, I’d miss her soooo much.

make your no about you, instead of ‘get out of my face no way are you having my baby, go bully someone else.’ Which is what you’re thinking obviously.

I would have been fine with this tbh, for the purpose of getting some sleep.

At 5 months, I had to spend a night away from DC2 anyway as I had to spend the night in hospital as an emergency.

Absolutely fucking not.

I rally don’t understand this obsession with insisting babies should be away from their parents for a “sleepover”. The babies are not toys! Is this relatively recent as I never heard anything about this when mine were this age, neither from my family or from any friends’.

Absolutely fine if you wanted or needed a break, but probably worth stating you dont do sleepovers and wont be until much older to shut this down now.
There's maybe a different family expectation going on that needs to be clearly and firmly addressed. Id go with the 'cant imagine being apart from child unless necessary' line suggested by another. We always said we would leave it until kids decided they wanted to stay overnight and had decided against sleepovers. My family have same view so was never an issue, keep stating it clearly and confidently.
We didnt do sleepovers at all until kids were 4ish - we sometimes stayed with family but all together, there was no need to leave them.
When i had to go away for work when they were small, my mum came to stay with us as less disruption for all. The kids chose when to do sleepovers, when they felt ready. We are very close to family, kids had grandparents as very happy second homes but still didnt want to stay overnight until 4ish, then it was a fun adventure with cousins, but one of my daughters never did sleepovers even when we encouraged her to try at grandparents, shes a homebird and still prefers to come home at night as a teen, she prefers her own bed! Their choice entirely.
It can be very difficult to go against the norms in a family, but this is your family now and you make the rules, important to make clear boundaries from the start, it can be done gently and firmly through clear repetition of your preference - "we wont be doing sleepovers unless necessary until she chooses to." Ignore any patronising comments and have confidence its the right decision for your baby.
We never saw the need for independent sleepovers, especially for babies, seems very odd of them to push it like this, you're the mum and decide what is best for your child. Every child is different, one of ours is totally adventurous and loves staying new places now shes older and another is a homebird, different personalities, we made sure they felt secure and its their choices. I kept them with me as babies and young children ad that was our family approach and its worked well.
My mum came to stay with me overnight a few times when having sleep issues and early baby exhaustion, which was a huge help and lovely time together, no question of separating mum and baby when so young. Do what feels right for you, good luck!

Does your SIL live with your MIL?

They are being rude by saying that the only reason that you wouldn't want your baby to have a sleepover at the age of 4 months is because you are struggling. It's completely natural not to allow sleepovers until your child is older. You have had a long journey to parenthood with many losses and this will make you more protective and your MIL and SIL should respect your wishes and stop pushing.

The OP is NOT weird because she doesn't want to farm her baby out for the night.

I think it is weird to want to do so. I also think the MIL and SIL are weird to want to remove a tiny baby from its primary care giver for the night.

We don't even know if the baby is breastfed, and if it is then that would be a very hard no.

They’re behaving totally unreasonably and you should completely ignore them. They sound horrible.

"The only one struggling is you at not accepting no as an answer"
You don't owe these people any kind of niceties when they're been rude to you.
Your baby, your choice.

Love this, and totally true on the ‘clingy’ point. Ignore them completely and don’t let yourself feel judged.

I think that some women really enjoy being the "knowledgeable mums" of the family. My MIL and SIL were like this when my DC was a baby.

I'm sorry you experienced loss on the way to having your baby.
My own DC is now 4 and we also experienced loss (and IVF). I absolutely didn't want to be away from my DC when he was a baby. And he still hasn't now as he wakes up every night and no one else would want the broken sleep even if we did want a night away!

The fact they are putting you down and being v patronising saying oh you must be struggling blah blah, that takes the piss OP. And pp on here are missing the point saying catch up on sleep etc, no, you don’t want them to have him stay overnight, which is your perogative as his mum. They can see him just no nights! On the snarky comments alone I wouldn’t let this pair bulldozeyou into anything you aren’t comfortable with

Yes, they are being weird! Baby is far too young! Make sure you’ve got firm boundaries in place, you are mum, you know best!

@spicegirls1 They're crazy. Don't ever leave your baby with anyone unless YOU want/need to. Mine were 3-4 years old before they felt ready and wanted to sleep at Mils one night. Your baby comes first- Mil and Sil can buy newborn dolls to play with.

Yes they are being weird. Just tell them no, you don't want to leave baby and stop being weird about it. Hes far to young.

My baby will never sleep over at a family members’, there’s just no need and I like having her with me. This is a great time to set new boundaries for your in laws, including how much emotional energy you give their shenanigans.

One day when you are ready.