Do I give off slutty vibes

[Nottodaybob]

Or are all men absolute wankers?

I know you can't really answer, as you don't know me personally but I need help to understand something.

I'm by no means gorgeous. I'm mind 40s and pretty average in most ways. I'm quite personable and friendly but I certainly don't intend to be flirty in any way. I'm a happily married mother of 2.

This month alone, one of DHs 'friends' has made a pass at me, as has a colleague and a friend of a friend put his hand on my waist in an over familiar way.

These aren't isolated incidents. I've had it happen periodically over my life from being about 17 - my dad's friends, my friends boyfriends, colleagues. Is this normal? Are men just awful humans? Or is it a vibe I'm giving off? It can happen when on nights out, in my home (I.e. when we've had parties) but not necessarily involving drink, and I don't really drink alcohol. What is it I'm doing that's causing this?

its not you. It’s them.

all this shit didn’t stop for me until I was over 50.

I always challenged it but fuck me it’s wearing.

now I'm just disregarded as an old woman who can’t possibly understand (until they need help and realise you have experience!) but that attitude is prevalent from many younger people regardless.

nothing new under the sun apparently!

I thought you were talking about women in their 40s:

Is it most women in their mid forties though? The usual complaint is about becoming invisible.

i took this to mean you were saying women in their 40s weren't comolaining about being hit on, they were complaining about becoming invisible. I was saying it is a bit of both. Sorry if i misundersood, who/what were you talking about then?

So the only thing that keeps the human race reproducing is the male sex drive? What about the female sex drive because I'm pretty sure we enjoy and seek out sex as well.

I agree. I've never had a problem attracting male attention from men I'm interested in, I'm friendly to everyone and approachable but I also haven't really experienced inappropriate advances from colleague, friends etc. I'd be astounded if one of my dh's friends came onto me.

I'm also quite tall and confident so maybe that puts would be letches off?

Perhaps the women who experience this unfortunately just know really letchy, sex starved men?

"i took this to mean you were saying women in their 40s weren't com[p]laining about being hit on, they were complaining about becoming invisible."

Yes, that's what I meant.

"Perhaps the women who experience this unfortunately just know really letchy, sex starved men?"

Unless you work in a prison, I don't see how this would vary that much from one woman to another.

Yep. If only we were all tall and confident and then we would never be sexually harassed. Let me go back and tell my English teacher that and the strange man who followed me home from uni and my friends aunt at their family members funeral, because clearly I simply wasn't tall or confident enough as a teenager so it's ultimately my fault that they did what they did to me.

Please let women know what else we need to do differently, oh wise and tall one?

Of totally missed I also needed to simply know different people. Noted.

Did I say women should be taller and more confident to avoid unwanted advances? No, of course I didn't because then I'd sound as much a fool as you do. I merely suggested that it could be a reason why it's not really happened to me.

Also, if the men you know are being letchy and coming onto you in an unwanted way then you most certainly do need to know different people.

Absolutely not you.
For many many men any pleasantness is seen as fair game.
I know it from many friends that are actually very cool and short with men in general, particularly professionally.

As for your husbands friend?
Scum.
Colleague, scum who should be reported, or at the very least pass it on that he is a creep.
As for the friend of a friend?
A sharp wtf are you doing with your hand.

Let your inner bitch out and let fly.
What is your husband like?
I hope this friend is dead to him after this?

You're right. My English teacher raping me, a man following me off campus and orally raping me and my friends aunt pinning me down and inserting her fingers inside me are my fault because I should know better people. Let me go back and tell my 15-17 year old self to do better at selecting my teachers, the people I walk past at uni and my friends family members visiting from abroad.

Actually I should introduce you to them all. They all said it was my fault too.

I'm tall and can put on a good show of being confident. I hardly know the old goat from across the road, but he's hit on every single carer and widow in this street. I just ignore him.

However, height and confidence only get us so far - and whether or now we actually know someone is often immaterial.

When I was about 60, I was harassed on - of all places - the escalator on the Waverley Steps, Edinburgh. The culprits were two men about my own age, judging by their appearance when I chased after them (God knows what I looked like) and berated them on Princes Street.

Their harassment had nothing to do with my confidence or lack of it and everything to do with opportunity - I was pinned in by the travellers around me and literally could not move my arms.

Now, I'll admit that my late mother was shorter than I am and less confident - but I doubt very much that she was emitting 'slutty vibes' at the age of 14 when an unknown man approached her and asked her 'Do you want to earn yourself 10 bob?' I actually experienced something similar when I was in my 20s, in spite of my height and projection of confidence.

Sometimes lecherous behaviour comes from unknown men; sometimes it comes from known men. You can't always tell which men are leches - my experience is that you can know someone for a while, but he'll only display lecherous behaviour when there's the opportunity for him to do so without being caught by someone else.

The only thing that you can then do in many cases is to avoid that person thereafter. I can think of one instance where it would have been impossible for me to avoid the person or to tell others of what had happened without fracturing familiar relationships. I'm 99% certain that in that case it had very little to do with lechery and everything to do with a pathetic attempt to exert dominance.

Fortunately, I hardly ever had to see that person and his unexpected death solved the problem for me.

Lord must be something up with me. I chat a lot, very friendly. Never been hit on. I dont even wear my wedding ring

Deffo not your fault. I was only ever called slutty when I rejected stupid guys. One person drove slowly next to me while I was walking, asked for my number, when I said no I got called a slag 😑 also what you wearing makes 0 difference. I have always dressed showing minimal skin (personal choice) but still got called the worst names 🤢

It can be both tho, surely? I can be ignored/dismissed by younger peers at work or in certain public settings, whilst also getting targeted by inappropriate men of a certain demographic? It doesn't have to be either one or the other. Life isn't black and white like that.

That's a very good point.