Do I give off slutty vibes

[Nottodaybob]

Or are all men absolute wankers?

I know you can't really answer, as you don't know me personally but I need help to understand something.

I'm by no means gorgeous. I'm mind 40s and pretty average in most ways. I'm quite personable and friendly but I certainly don't intend to be flirty in any way. I'm a happily married mother of 2.

This month alone, one of DHs 'friends' has made a pass at me, as has a colleague and a friend of a friend put his hand on my waist in an over familiar way.

These aren't isolated incidents. I've had it happen periodically over my life from being about 17 - my dad's friends, my friends boyfriends, colleagues. Is this normal? Are men just awful humans? Or is it a vibe I'm giving off? It can happen when on nights out, in my home (I.e. when we've had parties) but not necessarily involving drink, and I don't really drink alcohol. What is it I'm doing that's causing this?

Agreed. I should say I grew up in neglect and my parents are pretty useless so on a deep level I probably am a bit vulnerable generally as a person as I have no real family apart from the one I have created with my husband and young children. To think that could be sexually attractive is horrendous and scary tbh. And yes I have been date raped in the past and had a couple of other bad experiences. Yet these days I seem to still have these disturbing situations with men as above.

I've had/ still get this too! It's ridiculous! I'm not a looker, I'm fat and middle aged, never give out any flirty vibes, and in our small town everyone knows me and my husband have been together twenty years. I think these men just don't care. It makes me not want to reply when they speak, but then you get accused of being a misery.

Uncle Fester 🤣
I will see if I can find that video on YouTube

I found the video on YouTube. He’s Vladncl
and has a video called I pretended to be a girl at night. From what I can see there are several of these videos. I’m just about to watch one. Thanks Heathertrott, I think we all need to watch these videos and see these creeps get their comeuppance👍🏼

Agree with this

I was a slut for 20 years, and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not an open invitation to be touched by any man.

The only time I've had this is probably years ago when I was a bit naive and insecure, but I also had this when just being friendly. I've never been good looking, just got on with guys well, but it would sometimes be misconconstrued. I think some guys just see friendliness, humility and being down to earth as a signal there is a route in, rather than just nice traits normal people should have! If they are not told to fuck off, there is still a chance!

Now I'm mid forties and barely socialise so it isn't an issue, plus I'm very stressed and hag-like now, so giving out different vibes . I think it is just some men sadly. Their bits never calm down and they are always out for an ego boost. If it is another person's woman even better.

You're probably a lovely outgoing, friendly person and men can take friendliness as flirtiness. There's a saying, men are only friends with women they fancy whereas women are only friends with men they don't fancy! Don't know how true that is but may explain why some men think women are giving them the come on when they are indeed just being friendly!

It's not you.

Same thing happens to me, men mistake friendlyness for flirting and think they are in with a chance.

When I was single I was a magnet for middle aged married men. I think I had low self esteem and they somehow pick up on that as someone who might be greatfuk for their advances.

Happens much less now thankfully.

I did not say she was being over friendly at all. It wasn't a term for her as a woman either. You have misunderstood my post and accused me of labelling her wrongly.

(Of course they are the ones who are over-friendly although I would say inappropriate actually.)

It was regarding behaviour going forward
I said best NOT to be over friendly with them or these type of men, to protect herself, when enaging with these men.
They are clearly crossing boundaries.
I hope she has understood that as post was for her.

I understand that.
Calling our normal behaviour ’over’ anything positions the problem as our behaviour. It isn’t. We behave normally. They over react/misunderstand.

Making eye contact, smiling, greeting, answering politely- those are normal behaviours.
Choosing to avoid eye contact, pretend you can’t hear, wear EarPods- all things women do to avoid being harassed- these aren’t ‘avoiding being over friendly’, and they aren’t normal. They are necessary, defensive behaviours.

I think it’s really important to place the blame securely where it belongs, and avoid linguistically blaming OP.

Some people who are a bit clueless misinterpret openness and friendliness as sexual interest. It’s a pain, but that’s what it is.

Obviously the shame is on them not you.
They may think you’re an ‘easy target’ for them, for some reason. Do you struggle to assert yourself ? Predators will take advantage where they can.

No problem. It was really eye opening. The Luton, Birmingham and London ones especially 🤮

The ones I watched was when he/she was in Cyprus I think. I couldn’t believe the sheer audacity and entitlement of the vermin that approached him/her of what they were asking him/her to do. The one when he was on the beach at night was bad when that one bloke asked him to suck his cock🤮 I really wanted him to whip his dick out and wave it at them. The dirty bastards!!! I’m going to watch some more.

Maybe try to be more of an aloof bitch. Men want you but from a distance, they’re afraid of you so don’t dare flirt and often get too awkward to really talk to you. This is my experience with men anyway. I’m attractive in an aloof French sort of way and I dress well plus I’m intelligent. Toxic mix for many men, it throws them off and they don’t quite know how to handle it.

No you did not seem to understand.
No one is blaming anyone here, again you have jumped to conclusions and turning it to your own narrative.

Maybe 'friendly' instead of 'over friendly' is the right word.
We can only change our own behaviour in situations
we cannot change others
and this was one way to her with that so that she can have some control over the situation.
same way i have suggested what she can say to them.
that also doesn't mean that if she was friendly they had the right to do it.
which is what you allude to.

OP hope you are ok 😊

1st comment as usual nails it.

I was single in my early 40s and my friend's other halves overstepped constantly.

It wasn't until I got a new partner they backed off.
Like I'd ever go for a friend's husband! (Mate, I know all about your bad habits and erectile dysfunction thanks but no thanks 😂)

Please do not change your behaviour or what you wear. There are men who will interpret you existing as being interested.

I worked in a shop at weekends when I was 15/16. When I smiled and was polite (BECAUSE THAT WAS PART OF MY JOB), some men assumed I must be keen or wanted to go for a drink with them.

Sorry for the caps. It makes me even crosser when women are pleasant at work and people act as though they are doing something wrong.

I’m assuming you consider yourself a ‘Decent Man’ @ClaudeHopper 😂😂 as there is no way a female would write this in response to the OP?!!

Throughout my life. Its them, not you. In professional settings, at events, neighbours, friends’ husbands.

As they say: It’s not all men, but it is always men.

It hasn't happened to me and I'm sure you aren't giving off those vibes. Sorry I can't say why it's happening..All I know if is to make loud comments about their creepy behaviour, hopefully in front of people with whom they'd be embarrassed to be caught out about it. It must be really annoying.

I find it dismaying you can get to middle aged and ask if it’s your fault.

men try it on, and many interpret women being nice to them as they must fancy them or be uo for it,and sadly, it is the more average lady, using your own words, whi they perceive as less threatening and more likely to shag them.

I think this sort of thing has happened to most of us, unfortunately. Often from a shockingly young age. Some men are basically just pieces of shit.

I do question the concept of ‘slutty vibes’, however. ‘Sluttiness’ is misogynistic nonsense and fruit of the same tree as the behaviour of these vile men.

Don’t take it personally. I’m talking about careful use of language. You said, “Don’t be over friendly if you’re worried’.
This isn’t caused by being ‘over friendly’. It’s nothing to do with being too friendly, it’s to do with some men being over confident or bad at body language.

Unless you are using the phrase differently.

Ditto.
I can kill a man with a look. Or wither him. Either way - result.