Pulled DD like she pulled DS

[amiwrong10]

DD3 has this thing that when she gets tired or overexcited, she starts pulling DS1 about by his clothes.

I’ve tried talking to her, I’ve tried shouting, I’ve tried physically pulling her off him and telling her why she’s not to do it.

He starts getting upset and she’s rubbing her head all over his, pushing him down whilst he’s crawling, yanking at his clothes. She’s lovely to him 90% of the time but she pushed him down and he bent his wrist back and was screaming last week when she did this.

After preschool, she did it again and I saw red when she wasn’t listening, DS was crying so I pulled at her top and leggings like she was at him until she got upset too (I didn’t hurt her, her arm come out of her top and one leg of her leggings was off) now I feel awful and like the worst Mum in the world but it made her stop.

I obviously don’t want to do that again so any other advice would be good.

She gets so much 1-1 time from both parents from swimming to cuddling up reading a story, gymnastics, I make sure I take just her to the park once a week so she’s got my full attention.

DH is away on a course for a week, I’m 4 days in and 2 more nights to go and I’m bloody exhausted 😵‍💫

You're ok.
She needs to learn, this will have helped - she obviously needs to develop empathy.

I don't have any advice but wanted to say my DS1 is the same with DS2. It is very hard to deal with as 90% of the time hes amazing with him.

…and when she does it again, what do you do at that point?

Thank you.

She loves preschool, it’s a little village one and the manager has her little boy there who’s a month younger than DS.

Sometimes she gets a bit upset going in and said manager always says “would you like to come and help me with baby?” and DD loves that. She loves babies, the nursery have nothing but good things to say about her.

I recently had her 3 year review back and it states how kind she is to others and offers help and comfort to them if they are hurt etc so I don’t understand why she does it, I asked her today if she’d treat “baby Jude” at nursery like that and she looked horrified, she said “no I help him to eat and give him a cuddle if he’s sad” and she shrugged when I asked why she thinks it’s okay to do it to DS.

It’s so hard isn’t it! Feel for you!

I think this was the exact right thing to do given the circumstances. She wasnt hurt, of you keep doing it in the right way to connect her feeling of dislike to when she does it to DS, then she might actually learn. She wont be harmed forever by it. Other methods have not worked. She's not old enough to understand long explanations and you cant always be quick enough to physically remove her so this way you are doing your job! Teaching her that certain things cause others discomfort etc and connecting that to her behaviour towards others. Dont feel bad. If she started doing it to an older child and they whacked her/pushed her so she hurt herself to get her away from that would be a far worse way of learning so you're really doing the right thing here!

When she does it tell her in a calm firm voice to stop , If she carries on (because she is only 3 so she probably will! ) then remove her from her the situation.

You don’t need to shout, or get angry, just a quick pick up and put down in a different area , moving her isn’t punishing her , it’s simply de - escalating the situation.

You lost your rag today and you know that isn’t great, but it won’t do any long term damage so don’t beat yourself up.

I don't know that’s why I’m asking for ideas 😢

We have similar @amiwrong10 , my DD(also 3) can be so physical with ds in a way she never is with other children. I hate it and it really upsets me but absolutely no strategies I’ve tried have worked.

I don’t think it was the ideal thing to do in this situation tbh. Pulling at her clothes until she got upset sounds like it was more prolonged that a split second thing.

I would move her completely away from DS and from you when she does this. Shes still small enough to pick up and move. Can you put her behind a toddler gate in a separate room for a few mins just to demonstrate it’s not on?

I wouldn’t model the behaviour you don’t want to see back to her though. Surely that just gives the impression that the strongest person can do as they like?

I just don’t want to be physical with them at all, I also don’t want to be a “shouty mum” but nothing seems to work and I’m sick of it.

DH is more calm about it because he said in a years time it’s going to be fair game and he’ll pull her back or whatever but I don’t want my 2 kids fighting, I get what he’s saying when DS is old enough to give her a whack/pull her back, she might think twice about doing it. It’s just a horrible stage to be in!

Thank you, I will move her to behind the stair gate on the kitchen time.

It’s so frustrating isn’t it, it’s like DD thinks she’s got a free pass because he’s her brother ☹️

You didn't hurt her, and she stopped doing it because she didn't like what was happening. Now you need to make it explicit every time. Stop that, DD, you didn't like it when I did it to you and DS doesn't like it either. If she doesn't stop, you are going to have to physically remove her to another location. She will probably come back to try again but you just keep taking her away and making it clear that you will keep doing that until she stops pulling DS's clothes.

100% agree with you and I hate having to raise my voice let alone do that, I’m sensitive and I really try to keep my cool but today, I did lose it and it’s nothing to be proud of. I will try and put her behind the stairgate next time and see if it works.

We are all human @amiwrong10 it wasn't ideal, but its difficult to reason with a 3yo. Stop beating yourself up.

She’s only 3, she is prob feeling a bit wired/tired and he’s there rather than it being targeted.

What you did was fine and may help her connect the dots.

At that age and stage, separate to stop the behaviour - a firm no then body block her from him and divert her attention to something else or pop him to do something else - either in his high chair or do you have a playpen/ travel cot?

Also on this… that’s siblings. They know perfectly well how to behave with others and knock blocks off each other at home. The flip side is it teaches them resilience. I don’t know any siblings that don’t either argue or get physical so may be easier to accept it will happen and manage around it.

Place her on the step for time out for 5 mins. When then explain after we need to be more gently.

Just a suggestion- but hope it helps! Mine are older now but I remember how hard those ages are!

I don’t think it was the right thing to do at all. You pulled at a three year old until her arm came out of her top and a leg out of her leggings and she was crying - of course you hurt her and it was a nasty thing for you to do. That must have taken at least a minute - your poor DD. It’s awful. I’m stunned that you’d even think of doing such a thing.

She’s three years old, it’s a phase she’s going through, you need to keep a close eye on her and swoop in and move her away from her brother when you see/knows she’s going to pull at him. When my children were both toddlers, I used a room divider thing - a Babyden? opened opened out to create separate play areas.

I didn’t have a sibling until I turned 15 so was too old to fight with them but DH and his brother are 2 years apart and DH and BIL apparently used to do full on wrestling, body slamming and MIL & FIL remember it well. I remember them saying that their approach to it was sort it out between you (unless something serious was about to happen)!

@amiwrong10 one of the problems I have is that the more I try to separate them the more DD seems to see it as a game and laughs her head off trying to fight past me to get to DS.

She wasn’t crying, she was upset as in shouting at me. I’m not proud of myself trust me. I’m upset with myself over it and this is a mum who has always had to get DH to take them for vaccines as I can’t stand them being hurt or upset!

We’ve spoke about it, she said she’s not going to do it again and I apologised for pulling her clothes then we had a cuddle and we’ve been playing Barbie’s whilst dinner cooks so all is well and we don’t hold grudges in our home, we apologise, we cuddle and then we move on happy.

I said to her “I’m sorry for pulling your clothes and upsetting you, Mummy shouldn’t have done that” and she said to me “I shouldn’t do it to (DS name)” and then we spoke about why quickly “because it can hurt him” etc.

I know I lost control in this situation and I’m not proud of it.

You did the right thing , don’t overthink it . That’s exactly what kids do in a childcare setting anyway .