Flirty or just friendly?

[crushy42]

Dad on the school run. Comes over to talk to me every time. Notices/comments on what i am wearing ("did you work out?" noticing my gym wear, or "i am trying to figure out what type of birds is on your dress"). Friendly always, lots of interested questions and lots of eye contact and smiles.
Our kids are friends which each other so to me it seems natural that we gravitate towards each other (more than to other parents i mean).

I am ND and don't find these behaviours necessarily flirty but then again i have had instances where I have acted like this and men thought I was flirting, so I was wondering if i confuse friendliness for flirtiness and vice versa more often.

What would you think if this happened to you?

AIBU- he is just being friendly

YANBU - he is being flirty

He sounds like he's just making friendly conversation to me. Would you like it to be something more than that?

@WaterfreshNo. Don't want to inadvertently encourage

Impossible to know for sure. It sounds fairly normal level of friendly chat if your kids are friends but maybe he’s testing the waters.

I guess the question is why do you want to know? Are you interested? Do you feel he has crossed a line? Does he make you uncomfortable?

Couldn’t you be OK with the ambiguity and just see what happens?

Are you both attached to others?

If men are nice to me I always think what do they want?

Men only pay attention to women they find attractive. If he's making a beeline for you, he finds you attractive.

I would find the commenting on what you are wearing extremely personal- but then I would find it pretty unnecessary even if it was a woman doing it.
I would assume the level of interest he is showing you is because he fancies you.

Is he single? No way to tell really. Some people have odd chatty quirks.

Not uncomfortable no, a little nervous yes because he is attractive but am definitely not looking for anything to happen and i honestly don't think he is either.

So yeah maybe just a slight flirtation but mostly just friendliness. The reason i asked is because he could very well be just like me (not ND but just a generally friendly and interested person who often gets confused for a flirt)

Are you both unattached?

I'm not sure this is true.

We are both attached. And i think we are both very much the type that would never cheat, so it doesn't really matter if it's flirty because we both know it would never amount to anything, it that makes sense?

But just like you - when men are nice to me always think that too but it never happened to me while in a relationship because they would always know there was zero chance.

Me neither, the same way me paying attention to other men wouldnt mean that was attracted.

If you are attached what does it matter whether he is flirting or not, unless you are interested?

Of course it's not true anymore than women only pay attention to men they fancy but it's trotted out regularly on here.

It matters because it changes the dynamic of play dates and outings with the kids and such. I would avoid it i knew for sure he was flirting. Regardless of whether or not i was interested.

Exactly. Humans are a little bit more complex than that.

I would say that all you can really control is your own behaviour. There's nothing wrong with being friendly so don't feel you have to stop being friendly and/or chatty. If he is friendly too, great. If he makes you uncomfortable at any point then you can put some boundaries in place - standing in a different part of the playground, keep conversations at a short hi/bye.

That is good advice. It's actually quite funny to wonder: is this person flirty or is he just weird like me? 😆.

I do realize that the complexities of human feelings don't really lend itself for a mumsnet AIBU. But so far it does a decent job in reflecting back the confusion over this- it is not just in my head that these signals are a bit ambiguous.

I have never known anyone in real life to view men as this sex-crazed, one dimensional uniform lump as some women do in here. I honestly can’t believe people actually think like this. But, then I see people talking about the manosphere and some men thinking women are stupid, promiscuous, bimbos, so I guess there are all sorts! Doesn’t make either view less offensive though.

I think respectfully you're overthinking it a bit.

You're both attached and it doesn't sound like either of you wants to cross a boundary so why does it need to be defined?

Enjoy having a friendly relationship with another parent for what it is. Unless it's making you actively uncomfortable and you feel you need to draw boundaries (which doesn't sound like the case), it doesn't matter and you don't need to put it in a box.

Men and women are attracted to one another in a low level way all the time: you don't need to act on it or define it. There's always ambiguity in human relationships. Just let it be.

I agree. I have come across the men you described so i know they exist. But it's definitely not most men and especially not the ones in my circle.

"I'm trying to figure out what kind of birds are on your dress". Yes, course you are mate.

"Do you work out?" Creepy fucker.

Great insight and yes, i am definitely an overthinker! Honestly though, growing up undiagnosed ND, overthinking interactions has become a social survival mechanism.

This had me laughing out loud and i totally understand how you think that based on what i've written 🤣. He really really isn't the creepy kind though! Maybe socially intense or awkward? I can definitely see myself making weird remarks like that FWIW.

Or just in that sweet spot of the ornithology v women's fashion venn diagram. I mean its possible, but more likely he's a creep I think.

He obviously enjoys the interaction, for whatever reason.

But I do wonder if he'd be making a beeline for very old me if I was the one regularly picking his child's friend up, and commenting on my clothes and taking an interest in my day? What do you think?