Am I wrong for feeling abit annoyed?

[SunnyL23]

Need some thoughts here on who is in the wrong on this, my sister in law told my husband she was pregnant but wasnt announcing to everyone yet, and when he said to her that he'd just tell me if that was okay, she said she'd be really angry and disapointed in him if he even told his wife, that he should keep it to himself till she announced to everyone, in few weeks time.
When my husband told me he knew later on, and said what she told him about him telling me, it just kinda made me feel it was a weird thing for her to ask him to keep it a secret from his wife.
In my view if I were pregnant again i'd tell all my family when I was ready for them all to know, as I did at 11 weeks pregnant with my son, after I had a scan photo to show everyone aswel, I wouldn't tell my brother and expect him to keep it a secret, but mabye this i'm overthinking?

Personally i dont think she should have told your H if she didn't want you to know as well.
She obviously assumes that his loyalty to his birth family is more important than his loyalty to his wife. I think its quite a malicious thing to encourage secrets between man and wife.

I think it’s fair enough his sister wanted to tell him good news. The fact he kept it secret would make me respect him more tbh.

You're overthinking. I expect people to share 'secrets' with their partners cos realistically that's going to happen. Sounds like your SIL was being a bit uptight about it but pregnancy can do that.

So you think once someone is married nobody can ever speak to them in confidence again and they must tell their spouse everything?

I wouldn’t be happy if I told a friend something in confidence and they told their husband/ wife, let alone if a sibling did this to me.

I don’t see why you’re bothered about it. It wasn’t his news to share and there was no reason you needed to know before she was ready to tell everyone else in the family.

The fact you would approach it differently and tell everyone at once doesn’t mean she has to do the same. Perhaps she’s particularly close to her brother, or was worried in case something went wrong with the pregnancy and didn’t want to have to tell multiple people if she lost it but was so excited she wanted to share it with her sibling. Why would you need to know about it the moment your husband does?

What’s it got to do with loyalty?

Marriage vows don’t include having to tell your spouse the moment your sibling tells you they are pregnant. It’s not disloyal to keep private information entrusted to you by someone else private when it doesn’t impact your spouse in any way.

It’s ridiculous to suggest people can’t discuss private things in confidencr with people they are close to and trust without having those people share this private information with their spouses whom the person may not be close to and sometimes may barely know at all.

That's a lot of overthinking.

She's told her brother something in private, there's no conspiracy. Getting married doesn't mean the end of private conversations between siblings, and there doesn't need to be some weird rivalry about the whole thing.

You don't have to make life more exhausting than it already is with unnecessary drama.

I think it's up to her, personally

It's got everything to do with loyalty.
When you marry your loyalty is to your spouse. You are a husband or wife first. A sibling or a child of parents second. The only relationship which is more important is your care for your own children.

But siblibgs can talk in confidence? Why shouldn't they? It has nothing to do with the wife.

This is a set of rules you've privately created. Totally subjective.

Loyalty to his wife for what?

it isn’t disloyal to not tell your spouse something that is none of their business and not their story to tell.

what a very odd way to view loyalty.

In this case, where it was a private thing, that was entirely her business, I think it was fine for her to want to share her good news with her DB and have it go no further.

Has he shared her private news with you previously?

I think it's fine. It's something you'll find out in the long run anyway, and it's happy news. It probably just feels very personal to her right now. If I was super close to her I might feel a bit hurt that she hasn't told me, but that would be about our relationship, not the one between me and my husband.

The time where stuff like this gets more tricky is it it's upsetting news and your husband needed to talk to you to deal with it mentally, but that isn't the case here.

If my sibling ask me not to say anything even to my husband i wouldn't and if my husbands sibling told him I dont need to know it's their business not mine

I can't stand this 'we are one person and have to share gossip'

I can see why you feel weird but I wouldn’t overthink it and would just let this go.

I think with pregnancy announcements very early on, it’s always about who you would feel comfortable knowing in the event of a miscarriage. She probably didn’t want to have to deal with additional people knowing/feeling sorry for her/saying awkward things if it didn’t work out.

The other aspect is that people can become quite superstitious. She might have felt that by you knowing early, that was more officially like she had “announced” it to people before the 12 week mark, whereas only your brother knowing may have felt more like she was still waiting to announce (and therefore not trigger any superstitious concerns).

I wouldn’t take it personally in this case but if I was her I wouldn’t have told someone this if I absolutely didn’t want their wife to know as it just seems rather unnecessary!

But maybe it just slipped out or was obvious because she wasn’t drinking? And she then wanted to swear him to secrecy and limit it being shared further. Rather than her actively planning to tell him and keep it a secret. Always best to assume the best case scenario when we are assuming!

Your DH could possibly have managed the situation better and just nodded along and celebrated when she announced without making you feel bad. But he was probably proud to have been trusted with the secret early and wanted to show off a bit 🤦🏼‍♀️

What a weirdly controlling attitude. You’re not entitled to know every single piece of information anybody shares with your spouse so loyalty doesn’t come into it. If the information has nothing to do with your relationship or your spouse then it’s none of their business.

And no, you’re wrong anyway. People’s number one loyalty should be to their children if they have them, not their spouse.

Regardless, you are still a separate human being once married and it’s not “disloyal” not to blab other people’s private confidences with which you’re been trusted to your spouse when it is not something they need to know.

Yes. You are wrong. It isn’t about you, it’s about waiting for a safe time. My niece told me when she was six weeks. I kept quiet until she was twelve weeks as that’s what she asked for.
I didn’t tell DH. He didn’t care.
Get over yourself.

Disagree with PP, I think this is a bit weird of your SIL. It's putting her brother in a difficult position. It's a pregnancy not a life changing secret. She was going to tell the OP anyway so this is not a case of the SIL not wanting the OP to know, she just didn't want the OP to know just yet. Which I find a bit odd and controlling. She could have just waited and told them both together. Or accepted her brother would mention it to her wife. Unless the brother is exceptionally close to SIL and spends a lot of time just the two of them and there is some issue with the OP and SIL relationship.

How was he in a difficult position?! It’s not that hard to keep something told to you in confidence to yourself for a few weeks, especially if it’s happy news. Most people learn this skill by the age of 5 or 6.

He's not in a difficult position, he just doesn't have to tell his wife something that is none of her business yet. There's no loyalty test, there's no betrayal. Being married does not mean having to share every piece of information about everything. People that think "she told me that in secret, but she obviously didn't mean my spouse" are the worst.

this always divides opinion on MN. Honestly all that’s needed is a bit of tact.

she tells him.

he tells you privately. You keep it to yourself and look surprised when she eventually tells you.

job done!

I don’t keep secrets from DH and would share exciting news like this as would he. But you can’t forget the tact bit.

it just makes the world a bit nicer!

I honestly cannot see what there is to be upset about here and think its lovely that two grown up siblings have such a close bond.

What? You actually think it’s ok for someone to tell their spouse someone else’s private information with which they’ve been trusted and have stated that they would keep to themselves? And then try to deceive the person who spoke to them in confidence into believing that they didn’t blab about it to their spouse?

That’s appalling.

😂yes I do and I’m a functioning member of society and everything

Did she say to him "Hey, can you keep a secret and tell absolutely nobody?" and when he said yes then tell him? Or did she blurt out her news then demand he do as she commands?

If the latter, she's a silly cow and he can tell anybody he wants. It's manipulative, coercive and shitty to play those stupid games. She's only pregnant, she's not just invented time travel, she needs to get over herself.

Assuming she tried to play the stupid game, I'm really glad he told you.