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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see some old university friends one night when DH's parents are visiting?

66 replies

whippet · 30/06/2008 22:09

DH has arranged for his parents to come to stay. They only come about twice a year.

They will arrive Fri a.m. and leave Mon a.m.

Meanwhile an old Uni friend has invited me to her house for a 'girl's night supper' on the Friday.

I have just said to DH would it be OK if I went, as I only see these uni friends once or twice a year (and this is the only date available).

I've suggested we could have lunch with his folks on the Fri, and they will obviously be around for Sat lunch and Sunday too.

But he has flown into a rage and patronisingly said he will be 'very disappointed with me' if I decide to go, as we should be 'hosting' his parents.

His parents are in their late 70s/ early 80s, and will spend all evening in front of the TV, OR DH & his dad will disappear into the study to look at stuff on the computer.

I'm quite surprised and by his response, and a bit about his demand that I play 'little 50s-style wifey' all weekend

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
RosaLuxembunting · 30/06/2008 22:10

No, YANBU. DH often goes out when my mum comes to stay. She is MY parent after all not his.

squeaver · 30/06/2008 22:11

No. Go out

fleacircus · 30/06/2008 22:13

No, YANBU. More than three solid days of it? Without a break? Disappointed in you? Has he gone barmy?

PeaMcLean · 30/06/2008 22:14

Oooh tricky. My DH often goes out when my mum comes to stay, or she babysits for us and we both go out, but then she's down every couple of months or so.

Thinking about it, no I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your Dh shouldn't stand on ceremony with his own parents.

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 22:15

Fleacircus - yes that was the bit that really got my back-up! Who does he think he's talking to?

I said I'd call his Mum to ask if she minded (even if she did, she would NEVER say so...)

OP posts:
ravenAK · 30/06/2008 22:15

YANBU!

Is it that he can't be arsed cooking? Hand him a sheaf of PIL-friendly takeaway menus & go out. How ridiculous!

dizzydixies · 30/06/2008 22:15

no sod it, go out, he can entertain his parents for one evening surely?

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 22:17

He thinks it will 'look' strange.... WTF?

OP posts:
fleacircus · 30/06/2008 22:20

Wont it be lovely for them to have this opportunity to spend some proper time with their son and GC. How generous and thoughtful of you to make yourself scarce for an evening. He should probably find a better way to express his gratitude... unless he in some way finds their company burdensome? Which surely can't be the case, or he'd certainly be more sympathetic about you going out.

(When MIL visits I make DP take her to church. He is a Godless heathen and her singing voice makes him want to chew his own foot off, but he does it to give me some time off. I am partly being smug but also giving you ammunition if your DH needs shaming.)

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 22:25

I've just been thinking about amunition:

  • every Xmas we miss a 27th Dec lunch with these friends of mine, as we ALWAYS go to his parents
  • he is planning to go to a motor festival on the day I had planned DS2's party, so I had to change it
  • he missed DS1's drama performance to go to see some cricket....

And I NEVER once told him I was 'disappointed in him' for those....

OP posts:
rookiemater · 30/06/2008 22:29

YANBU. As fleacircus says its nice for them to spend some time on their own with their son.

My parents are up between once a fortnight and month to look after DS and it coincides with DH fortnightly drinks night out. Sometimes he goes and sometimes he calls off. I'd never think of saying I was disappointed in him for going out, its not like he is out all the time and they are my parents and all they do is hog the tv and fill in the sudoku quiz.

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 22:35

More opinions please.... I need to decide how to handle this with DH (am in other room, smouldering with anger at being patronised...)

OP posts:
RosaLuxembunting · 30/06/2008 22:37

Tell him the court of mumsnet has sat in judgement and found him guilty as charged.

SixSpotBurnet · 30/06/2008 22:38

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

If you were in a compromising mood (and I'm not suggesting you should - but just if you wanted to) what about cooking an early supper for you, DH and his parents, then buggering off round to your mate's house for lots and lots of post-dinner drinks?

VanillaPumpkin · 30/06/2008 22:41

My DMIL came to visit as a favour to us to look after our dc during one of the days. She came on a Tues and went on the Fri. I went out Wed night and thurs night she was sitting for us.
I emailed her to 'ask', but in an assertive manner. As if she would say no. I told dh about it all afterwards. He didn't bat an eyelid. YANBU!

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 22:42

I can't quite put my finger on what exactly has p*ssed me off so much about his reaction to this.

I think it's the whole 'standing on ceremony' thing - the fact that we have to 'impress' his parents by being the perfect family unit hosting them, and I (presumably) am expected to stand quietly, with my pinny on, playing dutiful housewife. At least that's the impression I've been given.

I am so unbelievably angry about this, and shocked by his response!

OP posts:
colditz · 30/06/2008 22:45

You don't need to handle it. Just go. You're not the fucking maid.

His disappointment is his business.

ravenAK · 30/06/2008 22:46

Or do something idiot proof (lasagne & salad) then leave with it in the oven & fridge.

BUT I'd do that if dh was genuinely needing it sorted - if he was going to have his hands full with dc & getting dinner on from scratch would be too much. Once he started being 'disappointed' he could bugger right off!

Why exactly does he say he needs you there?

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 22:50

I don't think it's got anything to do with food/ DCs - and I could easily leave something & get the kids to bed.

No, it's about his old-fashioned view of what he (his parents?) would expect....

But I really don't know where it's come from, he's not so traditional and old-fashioned in other areas.

He has quite a big family, and they're quite into their 'family lunches/ dinners' whereas my (small) family were less so, and quite independent.

OP posts:
Uriel · 30/06/2008 22:57

Well, obviously YANBU.

I think he's relying on you being there - is he uncomfortable on his own with his parents?

He may just have chosen the wrong thing to say and didn't mean to patronise you?

Jackstini · 30/06/2008 22:59

YANBU!
Does he attend every single family function of yours?
Does he play the dutiful host every time a member of your family comes round?
I think the rest of your ammunition is pretty good too!

edam · 30/06/2008 23:01

"very disappointed with me"? FFS. He's not your headmaster and you ain't a fourth year caught behind the bike sheds with a Silk Cut!

Tell him if he doesn't take his head out of his arse and speak to you as an equal you will tell his parents you've caught him cross-dressing.

ladymariner · 30/06/2008 23:03

Think I'm the lonevoice in the wilderness here, but I don't think you should go out with your friends the same weekend as his parents are visiting, I would have thought it was only natural that your dh would want you there
However, I would go mental at the patronising tone of his voice. That is what would piss me right off, not what he's saying but how he's saying it.

Original poster
whippet · 30/06/2008 23:11

LM - interesting to hear a dissenting voice - can you explain a bit more why you think it's reasonable for him to wnat me there?

I genuinely can't see why it's a reasonable expectation (for the sake of 3 hours one evening)

OP posts:
ladymariner · 30/06/2008 23:20

I just think that it would be nice for his parents to see you all together, thats all. I guess that sounds a bit old-fashioned and I'm definately not the little woman at home but we only see my in-laws a couple of times a year and my dh, usually the most easy-going of men, would not be happy if I wasn't there. I also think, probably wrongly, that as your in-laws are elderly you may not have the opportunity to spend weekends together for much longer and they do like to see you all as a family together.

Reading that back, it sounds really naff but I just feel like that. So I would stay in with dh to keep him happy, it's only once in a while, and I would find another weekend with my uni friends. And as I said, I would be going ballistic over the tone of his voice.

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