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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see some old university friends one night when DH's parents are visiting?

66 replies

whippet · 30/06/2008 22:09

DH has arranged for his parents to come to stay. They only come about twice a year.

They will arrive Fri a.m. and leave Mon a.m.

Meanwhile an old Uni friend has invited me to her house for a 'girl's night supper' on the Friday.

I have just said to DH would it be OK if I went, as I only see these uni friends once or twice a year (and this is the only date available).

I've suggested we could have lunch with his folks on the Fri, and they will obviously be around for Sat lunch and Sunday too.

But he has flown into a rage and patronisingly said he will be 'very disappointed with me' if I decide to go, as we should be 'hosting' his parents.

His parents are in their late 70s/ early 80s, and will spend all evening in front of the TV, OR DH & his dad will disappear into the study to look at stuff on the computer.

I'm quite surprised and by his response, and a bit about his demand that I play 'little 50s-style wifey' all weekend

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
ladymariner · 30/06/2008 23:25

Anyway, I'm going to watch the Wimbledon highlights now, missed the Murray game earlier cos I was out playing netball!!!!

Goodnight all, please don't all speak too badly of me!!!!

JamieJay · 30/06/2008 23:31

I would agree with you LM if they were only there for the one evening but if they're visiting for the whole weekend.

Whippet - I think you've made a perfectly reasonable compremise, have Friday lunch with them, go out in the evening and then see them on the Saturday and Sunday.

Can you sell it (not that you should have to!) to DH as him getting to spend some quality time with them by himself?

TestyClay · 30/06/2008 23:37

Can't you ask your uni mates to re-arrange?

If his parents are as aged as you say, they arent going to be around for much longer.......

I dont see why you can't stay at home.
But then again - I like my IL's

arfishy · 01/07/2008 00:21

Oooh dear. This happened to me. We were living in Holland and flew back every other weekend for custody of the DSSs.

When we flew back DP didn't like me to go out as we were flying back to see the DCs. Fair enough.

So one weekend when his parents were staying visting their grandchildren (the DSSs) I seized the opportunity and went out for lunch with my best friend. I was gone about 4 hours.

They were so mortally offended they have NEVER SPOKEN TO ME AGAIN. They have never met DD, who is nearly 6.

It was lunch FFS.

thumbwitch · 01/07/2008 01:28

PMSL at fleacircus's sending DP to church with MIL

whippet, YANBU. Its not like they are coming in the door just as you exit with a cheery "see you!", is it - you said they are coming in the morning so you will have lunch with them and all afternoon to update them on the important things in your life. Like your friends that you only see twice a year for example.

Perhaps your DH just can't cope with the thought of having to entertain them both on his own - in which case he should just get on with it and stop whining! His reaction is neanderthal and chauvinistic and would get a big two-finger salute from me.

Califrau · 01/07/2008 01:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJohnCusack · 01/07/2008 02:48

hahahaahaahaha

am booking my ticket as soon as DH or I get paid - should be any day now....

aGalChangedHerName · 01/07/2008 06:58

arfishy really???

What does your DH say about it?

Pair of weirdos!!

Alderney · 01/07/2008 08:43

Actually this would happen in my house - my DH's parents are very very old fashioned, and they would expect me to be there - my MIL is such a 1950's wife that she is astounded that I'm not...

It would be round the family like WILDFIRE if I wasn't there to entertain them and to "host" them - it would be said that DH and I were obviously splitting up as we weren't doing things together as a family.

If his parents are in their 70s and 80s you can assume they have a rather old fashioned attitude (of course, lots of people that age don't..). AND also if they are very very into their family get togethers, then they have a family "norm" of behavior, which I suspect would involve you staying in.

HOWEVER - I think I would probably still plan to go out - and see it to THEM (even if you can't sell it to DH) in a rather self depricating "you'll have had enough of me by then and you'll be desparate to have DH on his own..."

Bridie3 · 01/07/2008 08:49

My husband's parents would expect me to be there and there would be Questions Asked if I went out. They'd probably imagine we were about to get divorced. It's just (some of) that generation, I'm afraid: they expect to see you as 'family'.

posieflump · 01/07/2008 08:54

Arfishy - I'm shocked at such an extreme reaction, to give up seeing their grandchildren over a lunch!! Some people really need to get some perspective!

To the Op I woul dsay as a compromise could you see yor mates the saturday night so you won't be out the very first night the inlaws arrive?

Original poster
whippet · 01/07/2008 08:59

It make me laugh (= angry) though that when we go to their house FIL thinks nothing of taking DH off on his own for hours at a time, leaving me to try to stop the kids from damaging their (very child-unfriendly) house.

These sorts of issues go back a long way - these are the same ILs who wouldn't consider letting me BF the DCs in the dining room over meals, but requested that I sat alone in the other room while they enjoyed their meals together . I then had the pleasure of eating a dried out meal on my own later....

I'm not going to back down on this one. I think I'll call MIL and gently explain that I'll be 'popping out' on the first night to see my very good friends, but that I'm looking forward to having lunch and dinner etc with them over the rest of the weekend.

I don't have much family, so my friends ARE my family.

I hate it when DH tries to get CONTROLLING like this.

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 01/07/2008 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsTittleMouse · 01/07/2008 09:08

Saying that he's "disappointed with you" makes it sound like you're a naughty child and that he's your headmaster! So I can see how that would get your back up. On the other hand, if the ILs were visiting, then I would only go out if it was pre-arranged (i.e. it was booked before they decided to come).

LazyLinePainterJane · 01/07/2008 09:19

They are his parents. If you were going off and leaving him with yours, he would have grounds for complaint.

arfishy · 01/07/2008 10:51

I was about the whole thing. I couldn't believe that 2 people who had raised 4 children could behave that way.

I was upset for a couple of years, particularly for DD but now I feel that if they'll behave that way to a newborn grandchild then I'd rather she never met them then got rejected in some peculiar way at some point in the future.

Funny thing is, is that I always liked them. I think secretly they must have always hated me and just jumped at the first chance to cause a scene. Oooh. Must remember how offensive lunches can be .

I think next time I'll try to be a tatooed crack addict and see where that gets me with the in-laws. Clearly being a sensible working type doesn't cut it.

To the OP, I think I see your DP's point having been at the end of how offended people can be at this sort of thing. Not saying it's right though.

Hope things work out for you.

bunchoflowers · 01/07/2008 11:02

I think if they only come once twice a year, it's kind of rude to go off and find something else to do on the night they arrive. And it's kind of disrespectful towards your DH. Can't you arrange to see your university friends some other time?

I think a lot of wives find it hard to spend time with their DH's family..... but just because it's hard doesn't mean you should just decide not to bother.... it just reflects so badly on you and you'll come across as being infantile.

Fennel · 01/07/2008 11:13

YANBU. DP and I have an understanding that his relatives and friends who stay are his responsibility (clearing up, sorting sleeping arrangements, cooking, entertaining) and my relatives and friends are my responsibility. It works well. True, his parents don't understand our relationship and think I'm a bit distant and not very dutiful and wifely but that's absolutely right.

Original poster
whippet · 01/07/2008 11:17

Well, I haven't really 'gone off to find something else' though. It just happens that my good friends (one of whom was my bridesmaid) has invited a group of 6 of us (who all lived together at Uni twenty years ago) to get together for her birthday, and I'd like to go. If I don't see them on this evening, then the next chance will be November (when one of them is back in the area).

DH had put that his parents were coming down that weekend on the calendar, but no details had been agreed - it's only now he says they're coming Fri - Mon.

To be honest, if he'd discussed it reasonably I might have agreed to not go, but as it is, with his patronising comment, I feel determined to go .

He hasn't mentioned it this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
whippet · 01/07/2008 11:19

Oh Fennel - if ONLY it was like that. The only concession to his parents coming will be that DH will get the vacuum cleaner out and vacuum every SINGLE thing - since when did it make sense to clean a TV screen by vacuuming it???

OP posts:
Original poster
whippet · 01/07/2008 11:21

Oh, and I will be the one who has to cajoule a tearful DS2 into moving into DS1's room for 3 nights, since the PILs ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO HAVE separate bedrooms .

And FIL will HAVE to have his meal on the table at 6 pm sharp, or else he will get TERRIBLE stomach pains later...

Actually I think I will NEED to go out to remain sane.

OP posts:
Bridie3 · 01/07/2008 11:36

Oh I do feel for you. What a palaver!

idontbelieveit · 01/07/2008 11:50

yanbu whippet, if my inlaws were like yours i'd be going for the whole weekend!

TheBlonde · 01/07/2008 11:53

YANBU
Go out, I always go out at least once when the inlaws visit for my own sanity

LadyThompson · 01/07/2008 11:54

Whippet, I am sorry for you. They sound like massive PITAS. I think you should stick to your guns go out, but I do think you should handle it very, very carefully so as not to store up trouble for later. I think you have to breeze it out with the PILs, and call them (take the initiative) and say you are really looking forward to spending the weekend with them (!) but you are sure they will be delighted to have you out of the way to spend time with their son and grandchildren alone, as you attend this important birthday reunion thing. Then they have prior warning and you have been polite. As for DH, I know you are angry and believe me I would be fuming, but you need to be firm and calm with him and don't let the discussions escalate. I think you need to sit him down and point out that he has stuck to social commitments in the past, and now it's your turn. Tell him that it's only a small section of the weekend, and you would be grateful for his support as you have supported him in the past, and you are going and that's that.

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