To wonder if foster care is the best of the bad options if our children were to lose both DH and I?

[ohmaaaan]

Horrible subject but …

In the event of something happening to both DH and myself. I’m wondering if our children might be better in the care system. I know the usual response is no, absolutely not - but we don’t have anyone who could take them. The only person who could realistically take them in is SIL and BIL, who live a long way away and have their own children and a house full. They are nice people but the children don’t know them very well, largely because of the distance.

I would ideally want them to stay at the same school and in the same area but maybe that’s not realistic.

Obviously hope it doesn’t happen.

Social Care would first contact family members to see if they could assist. If the children were placed in foster care, there’s no guarantee it would be in a placement near enough for them to continue to attend their school. They might not even be in the same county. Nor could it be guaranteed that they’d remain in the same placement until they leave school: things happen in foster families, such as ill health or the needs of their own children or wanting to stop fostering. Nor could it be certain that there would be a placement that could take them both.

Yes but that doesn’t mean I can invite us or insist that they visit us. It involves two way cooperation. There are all sorts of things children like to have. Some they have, some they don’t.

Children almost always do better with family than in care. Plus, if there's a relative willing to have them, they will almost certainly be placed there rather than in foster care, whatever preference you give in your wills.

Obviously you can never know for sure. But I’d take my chances with 3 family members who your sister believes she can vouch for, over an unknown number of foster fathers and brothers.

Your BIL and nephews wouldn’t have sought out your vulnerable daughter, they’d have had her unexpectedly put upon them. Being found to have done anything would tear their immediate family apart, and presumably they have relationships with your wider family that they’d be risking. And they have jobs and futures that would be ruined by being caught. Your sister would also presumably be a protective factor, even if your daughter doesn’t know her well.

Whereas a foster father is a man who sought out the opportunity to have unrelated and vulnerable children under his roof. You’d hope it was for benevolent reasons, but obviously it’s also an excellent cover for a predator. Plenty of women in care positions abuse children or turn a blind eye, so his wife wouldn’t necessarily be a protective factor. And your daughter would likely experience more than one foster father and even if she doesn’t, she could have a revolving door of foster brothers who have absolutely no incentive not to harm her if they choose, as they’ll likely be moving around a fair deal as well. Or she’ll be in a group home where supervision can’t be as strict as it would need to be.

I don’t have a sister @ParrotPeach . This is my husbands brother and his partner and their three boys. I think they are nice enough but I’ve also worked with three very nice men who emerged to be paedophiles. They are around us unfortunately.

It’s unlikely they’d be able to find foster carers at short notice near your child’s school, most foster kids move areas often. If this is the priority I would try to find private fostering arrangements, with payment, with a local godparent or friends parents. I’d probably agree to that (if costs were totally covered and more) for a close friends child in this situation

I may have missed this, but has anyone mentioned what happens when you 'age out' of care?

I retired from my permanent teaching post 8 years ago and I'm aware that things have probably improved since then. However, I can think of three instances where girls who had turned 16 were placed in hostel accommodation rather than with a family.

I do know one girl - the younger child of my mum's deceased friend/neighbour (the one who offered to take me when I was a child) - who was placed in excellent foster care at the age of 16 after her school became aware that her father was abusing her. (Depriving her of light, hitting her...). I'm happy to say that she got into uni and has done very well for herself.

Sorry if someone has already mentioned it, but it occurs to me that there might be more of a chance of a designated relative easing children into adulthood?

Why not touch base with your relatives and start to improve your relationship. Why dismiss them out of hand? They might like their children to be closer to yours. You don't seem to want to improve your relationship with them. And you've learned today that if you and your DH die, probably in an accident, your relatives will be asked to take your children in, regardless of whether they're named as guardians in your will. So it would be good if your children knew them better.

@Solongasnake it isn’t that it’s a ‘bad’ relationship but as I’ve already explained to a previous poster in pre rice this wold mean spending our weekends driving up and down the m1 to people who haven’t invited us. Not sure how much that would be appreciated!

I'll add that one of the girls moved into a hostel was actually given her own flat when the social worker realised that she was studying for her Highers, a member of the local church, a youth leader etc.

Similarly, the girl who was placed with excellent foster carers (very close to her high school) had teachers who made sure that social work realised that she was one of their top pupils, so I do wonder whether a certain amount of prejudice came into play.

The two who were left in hostels were not deemed to be 'academic'. One of them was desperate to stay on at our school, but was placed in a hostel at the other end of the county.

She made it - no thanks to the system. She was kind enough to write to me a few years later to let me know how she was doing.

@WearyAuldWumman i know that happened to a friend of mine at school. She ended up in a very dodgy relationship just to have somewhere to live!

I don't know what to say, OP. You're talking about your husband's brother. You don't have to drive up and down the motorway every weekend to turn up at their house unannounced, insisting on spending the weekend. Your DH has a chat with his brother over the phone, and mentions that it would be great if the cousins could see a bit more of each other, and he'd quite like to see his brother a little more often too. How about you driving down to them one weekend - whenever is convenient for them, or you're always happy to see them at your place. When would be a good time?
Of you choose an event like your DH's birthday, and say you'd like to celebrate it by spending the weekend in [pick a nice place in between your 2 homes], and would they like to join you - for the weekend or just one day of the weekend?
Just gradually build up friendliness and contact. Send a photo or two from your holiday, or just when you see something interesting. Get to know them better and show that you have some interest in their lives. Do it gradually.
That sounds a bit manipulative, but hopefully if you start engaging with them, you'll get to know each other better and to enjoy the things you have in common. Have you talked to your DH about this?

Where do they live, Beverly Hills? Your insurance would need to cover the cost of two extra rooms, not the entire house. If you were insured for say £750K that would pay for an extension with money left over to raise them.

@Solongasnake i guess we aren’t going to see one another’s perspectives on this, which is fair enough. Sometimes we do just differ in how we see things. I’ll be honest and admit the thought of a polite but stilted, awkward weekly phone call with no one really knowing what to say is making me cringe a bit even on the abstract, and I doubt it would help if the children did need to live with them given they wouldn’t be on the phone!

An extremely expensive part of the UK. But in fairness most very large houses cost a packet. It’s just a very large house AND an expensive area is a tricky combination.

No one has said anything about stilted weekly phone calls, but it wouldn't hurt to be slightly in touch in a friendly, interested way. Your DH was brought up with his brother and must have some kind of relationship with him and know a little bit about him. Just start to get to know them all a bit better, in a relaxed way, and try to see them as a family 2 or 3 times a year. If you saw them at Easter, you may already be doing that. I'm really not getting the feeling that personal relationships are your forte, OP. But if you feel they are - then think about how you behave with your friends and try to behave a little bit more like that with your in-laws? And do you know who are guardians for their children? Maybe you could offer a mutual arrangement? And I understand that it wouldn't be convenient, but all the same.

I’m a parent through adoption, our children are members of my birth family. When I took on our son I hadn’t had any contact with my birth family in over ten years. Social services still found me.

@Solongasnake like I say, we aren’t going to understand one another on this, so it is pointless arguing about it. We see them a couple of times a year, briefly at Christmas and sometimes at someone’s birthday. That’s not much of a relationship.

@Simonjt you may need to run that one past me again 😂

I'll leave you to it, but the relationship you have with your in-laws is a choice. A choice which is against the interests of your children, whether you die while they're still children or not.

I think what you’re perhaps not understanding is that a relationship is a two way thing. You can’t force someone to have a relationship with you.

SIL and BIL work full time in extremely demanding jobs. They have three children, one with quite complex needs and the other two are twins and it’s a juggling act (as it is for many of us) they have a very small home and a lot of stress in their lives. Us demanding a relationship with them at this stage wouldn’t be fair, to be honest. We get on, we are polite and happy to exchange niceties but that’s as far as it goes.

Then say you don’t want them to look after your kids. Rather than that foster care may be better than family placement what you mean is you don’t want your in laws looking after your children.

@Sunbringer it isn’t as cut and dried as that.

If the choice came down to SIL or foster care then there’s an uncertainty to the foster care which makes it a huge gamble. They could get someone lovely and stay together. They could also … not. Whereas with SIL and BIL if I’m honest I don’t think they’d have a particularly loving home - it would be overcrowded (even with a payout) very stressful and while they are basically kind people as we all know when you’re pulled every which way you aren’t your best.

OTOH that would still be better than a cruel or abusive foster carer or being split. So it may be better the devil you know mightn’t it? Lots to weigh up.

We are older parents to 1 child and have given this a lot of thought. Both of us have significant LI. I wanted it to cover paying off the house and being able to only work part time for the surviving parent. Or if both of us were to die it would cover boarding school and a massive lump for my husband's aunt to be able to care for him in the holidays. I don't think she would want to care for him full time. Hopefully the boarding school would provide some kind of structure. It's really sad to think about though and I do at times wish we had more and closer family.

Our children’s guardian, who would have taken care of them had we died, were based in the US. No family here to have taken them on.

In today's Guardian https://www.theguardian.com/society/ng-interactive/2026/oct/04/10-minutes-to-decide-life-changing-call-kinship-carer?fbclid=IwdGRzaAUwy2hjbGNrBTDKhmV4dG4DYWVtAjExAHBkb2YFc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQMMzUwNjg1NTMxNzI4AAEeikivafChOb4Msz6O6uUD2FdWjma7593l0CvZs_-NFAKlqxKJkZfSCSUhyAQ_aem_oZiTqQrkXyk_RiKV4hScDQ