Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if foster care is the best of the bad options if our children were to lose both DH and I?

231 replies

ohmaaaan · 04/10/2026 17:07

Horrible subject but …

In the event of something happening to both DH and myself. I’m wondering if our children might be better in the care system. I know the usual response is no, absolutely not - but we don’t have anyone who could take them. The only person who could realistically take them in is SIL and BIL, who live a long way away and have their own children and a house full. They are nice people but the children don’t know them very well, largely because of the distance.

I would ideally want them to stay at the same school and in the same area but maybe that’s not realistic.

Obviously hope it doesn’t happen.

OP posts:
WashinIsNeverDone · 05/10/2026 19:55

Going into care system they could be separated and also moved out of area.

villadicance · 05/10/2026 21:37

What I find hard to understand is how you can simultaneously say you don't know your BIL and SIL at all well and yet also that you know they wouldn't be good at parenting your children.

It sounds like you just don't like them. And it's absolutely reasonable not to want your kids brought up by people you don't like. But the care system is a huge roll of the dice. With much much higher odds of sexual abuse

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/10/2026 22:04

ohmaaaan · 05/10/2026 17:38

@Sunbringer it isn’t as cut and dried as that.

If the choice came down to SIL or foster care then there’s an uncertainty to the foster care which makes it a huge gamble. They could get someone lovely and stay together. They could also … not. Whereas with SIL and BIL if I’m honest I don’t think they’d have a particularly loving home - it would be overcrowded (even with a payout) very stressful and while they are basically kind people as we all know when you’re pulled every which way you aren’t your best.

OTOH that would still be better than a cruel or abusive foster carer or being split. So it may be better the devil you know mightn’t it? Lots to weigh up.

Having read this I would choose your sil in a heartbeat over the care system.

Solongasnake · 05/10/2026 22:07

ohmaaaan · 05/10/2026 17:22

I think what you’re perhaps not understanding is that a relationship is a two way thing. You can’t force someone to have a relationship with you.

SIL and BIL work full time in extremely demanding jobs. They have three children, one with quite complex needs and the other two are twins and it’s a juggling act (as it is for many of us) they have a very small home and a lot of stress in their lives. Us demanding a relationship with them at this stage wouldn’t be fair, to be honest. We get on, we are polite and happy to exchange niceties but that’s as far as it goes.

In which case they might well be delighted if you offered to have the children, or just the twins, for a week or 2 in the holidays. And that would be a great opportunity for the children to get to know each other. If they have a child with complex needs they may well be desperate for help. I'm surprised you haven't already offered, to be honest.

ThePieceHall · 05/10/2026 22:11

The local authority will always choose the cheapest option.

Muddywellies10 · 05/10/2026 22:34

I would assume a life insurance payout would give family options. That might include for older children boarding school or sticking a pod in a garden to provide an extra bedroom. I'd think foster care would be a last resort and would think boarding school together with holidays with family might be better, if the family cannot accommodate all the time.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread