To wonder if foster care is the best of the bad options if our children were to lose both DH and I?

[ohmaaaan]

Horrible subject but …

In the event of something happening to both DH and myself. I’m wondering if our children might be better in the care system. I know the usual response is no, absolutely not - but we don’t have anyone who could take them. The only person who could realistically take them in is SIL and BIL, who live a long way away and have their own children and a house full. They are nice people but the children don’t know them very well, largely because of the distance.

I would ideally want them to stay at the same school and in the same area but maybe that’s not realistic.

Obviously hope it doesn’t happen.

I appreciate that, but you just mentioned they have a full house and live far away, you don't say you don't like them or they are problematic as parents, i get you are museing but LA tend to look a relatives first.

And to those asking why OP is thinking about this .... Because EVERY parent should! RTAs where children in car seats live and adults not in car seats die...house fires where the kids survive and the parents don't, accidents on the way home from work while the kids are in childcare or school... It's clearly VERY, VERY unlikely but you don't want your kid to be shoved into the care system away from everyone they know because no one knows that your best friend, who the kid has known all their life, will take them.

There's little point thinking about it unless either of you is terminally ill.
Unless you lead extremely reckless lifestyles the chance both of you will pass on before your kids reach 18 is pretty slim. And you'll literally never know whether fostering or any other form of care was good or bad for your children because you will no longer be on this earth.

As someone who was at points in care, they wouldn’t be remaining in the local area and staying at their school, they would go where there is space, that doesn’t always mean together, and it may be a home rather than with a foster family.

We’ve named my mum as priority one as she’s an EU citizen so she could just move into our house straight away while she decided where the children should live. The second is a friend who doesn’t live here, so would be a bit more challenging immigration wise. We’ve also stated once our oldest is eighteen he would like to appointment him as our daughters guardian, we will obviously ask him closer to the time.

Statistically our children are unlikely to be without both parents during their childhood.

You should also bear in mind that you really don't have much control over what happens after you die anyway. You can't put 'foster care' in your will, as that will always be assessed by the local authority and they would expect family to have them before approving foster care. And even if your BIL and SIL said they would have them, they could change their minds. Essentially, I don't think it's worth worrying about too hard. What will be will be, if the situation arose.

@BillieWiper i agree it’s slim but it feels a bit irresponsible to say it won’t happen so can be safely ignored.

@Lomonald I think my worries are that firstly the children don’t know them, they live a long way away, have children of their own. Imagining how they’d feel losing us both and then moving and sharing rooms and no privacy and a totally new school is a lot for them. But then as people have pointed out there’s no guarantee that they’d stay in the area with foster carers.

Having experienced it, foster care would be below almost anything for me.

Theres no guarantee that they’d end up together or remain in your area, or that they’d end up with any continuity of care. I did not, I moved every couple of months until I was considered an adult.

They wouldn't know their foster carers and they would also probably have other children...family is still preferable.

@ohmaaaan haven’t RTFT but the biggest hurdle to others to agree to take over someone else’s children is money- having to stretch their often limit resources to house and feed kids that aren’t theirs and deprive their own. So you take care of that - both you and your DH take good life insurance. Once that’s sorted you’ll find people are more willing to- obviously you structure it in a trust (consult lawyer etc) so that it pays towards your kids and the funds aren’t misused.

@ohmaaaan A rising percentage of residential placements now accommodate younger children due to national foster shortages.

It can safely be ignored. It's a fear. It's catastrophising and isn't making your children any safer.
You can easily assume if you care about your health daily and don't take risks that you plus your partner are not going to die prematurely.

unless you both have life limiting conditions I wouldn’t worry about it.

someone I work with, cousin recently died, dad is unknown, no family can take the two kids, one was older and gone to supported living (he has a learning disability). The other has gone to a foster family and is thriving (on the surface anyway, I see her at parkrun every few weeks, she has gone about 45 mins from where she lived, still in same county, you wouldn’t be able to tell she wasn’t with her parents, hopefully it will be a happy ending). It was a bit of a coincidence that I realised it was the same child that it was the same child, nothing confidential was disclosed.

This was my experience of foster care too. I was also separated from my brothers. It really should be the last resort under any circumstances.

Honestly l thought this something everyone planned for? Don't understand why people never even think about it.
My kids are adults now, when they were little my parents were in early 60s and healthy agreed to take them.
As they grew into teenagers my brother had his own children and agreed him and his wife would have had them
We made sure we left money for my brother so they could buy a bigger house and not worry about extra expenses of teenagers.
Obviously we didn't die so now its all immaterial but its good to have a plan.

It isn’t catastrophising at all @BillieWiper . Do you think it’s catastrophising if people have life insurance, or critical illness cover? Or do you think that’s sensible?

Your in laws and cousins are their family. Friends, teachers etc coukd move tomorrow and that’s not something you could control

Not all of them, though - it’s unlikely an entire class would move away!

(they do go to a very small village school!)

Thanks all. There isn’t a ‘perfect’ answer to this and I do realise that. Hopefully it won’t happen but unfortunately it could and I do think recognising it’s possible is sensible and responsible.

We have the same challenge except that BIL and SIL live in a different country where our son would not have the right to live. We have no other family options, our parents are in their 70s/80s so wouldn't be able to take DS, and I'm an only child. There isn't an obvious answer 🙁

That’s really hard @newroundhere my sympathies. Like you say, no obvious and easy answer.

If family would be prepared to take your dc, it would likely be the best option. You say your dc don't know bil and sil very well, but foster parents will be total strangers, and as pp pointed out, your dc could be split up. They would also possibly have to leave your area and go to a different school anyway, it will just depend where there are available foster carers, unfortunately they are thin on the ground and that's a situation that is unlikely to improve. I am a foster carer myself, I also serve on the committee that approves fister carers and I have observed that in general, children that are raised by (suitable) family members have the best outcomes.

I'm concentrating on not dying 😂

Me too!

@Deadringer i know but I guess at least in a foster home they wouldn’t have other children there. Or maybe they would, of course. But there would be some rules and oversights relating to things like sharing a room and so on. Not that it’s ideal but I guess nothing is ideal.

I said it more from a place of concern if you were thinking too much about it and it was worrying you, perhaps you might want to get to the bottom of that.

But obviously great if you’re just curious! I think blood is better even if there’s no particular closeness, they will then keep in touch with wider family and cousins and become close without being in a foster system which might mean going to several different homes with different families and being split up.

I have known family courts to order local authorities to work across borders in these scenarios. A few times I saw children with solely British citizenship move to family abroad where the parent in this country could no longer care for them.

I'm a foster carer and I can confirm there is an acute shortage of foster carers. I drive a DC 39 miles to college and collect 39 miles 3 days a week. I foster long term placements and have had 1 DC since he was 5 and he's now 20 at uni but comes home weekends. I also foster the teen at college and he's been with me a little over 2 years. They are both lovely boys. Neither see birth family as 1 Mum is dead and the other was neglectful and abusive. Most foster carers I know foster DC in the short to medium term like if a single parent is in hospital receiving cancer treatment and no other family to take DC. Those DC would be taken to visit Mum in hospital. Some carers do respite placements only. My SW is always checking if we can take another DC as she knows we have spare bedrooms but I prefer to care for 2 giving them more time each and individual attention. I drive both DC around to play in football and cricket matches. I know lots of excellent foster carers but I also know some DC who have had to move placements many times for various reasons and it's hard for them to settle.