To wonder if foster care is the best of the bad options if our children were to lose both DH and I?

[ohmaaaan]

Horrible subject but …

In the event of something happening to both DH and myself. I’m wondering if our children might be better in the care system. I know the usual response is no, absolutely not - but we don’t have anyone who could take them. The only person who could realistically take them in is SIL and BIL, who live a long way away and have their own children and a house full. They are nice people but the children don’t know them very well, largely because of the distance.

I would ideally want them to stay at the same school and in the same area but maybe that’s not realistic.

Obviously hope it doesn’t happen.

Although you have said you’re not close to your relatives surely they would care for them? I must have missed the post that said they were likely to be cold hearted and not bothered.

Unless you have very dangerous jobs or are in poor health ,this is unlikely to happen anyway.I would enjoy your time together now as a family ,It goes so quickly and before you know it they will be off to Uni!

No. Absolutely not. You have no idea where they’ll end up, a group home or similar and they are far from guaranteed to be kept together.
ANYTHING is better than the care system.

That's a really lovely way to look at it. Having a list of people I trust to put their hand up and help make good decisions, even if they can't offer a home.

Agreed. I'm saying that as a retired secondary school teacher. Some foster carers whom I encountered through work were excellent; others were not.

The probability that you’ll both drop off your perches simultaneously while your kids are still dependent is so tiny it really isn’t worth the headspace op is giving it.

When my DC were young I always saw it as part of my role as a parent to encourage good relationships between them and other responsible adults - grandparents, friends, carers etc. The way I saw it, the more sensible, kind adults they had around them to look out for them and be good role models, the better. Also, should the unimaginable happen, these people would be on their side and look out for them.

Perhaps approaching things from this angle would be a different approach? You could see if a closer relationship could be established with BIL and SIL as a starting point. I would never allow ANY child of my acquaintance to go into care if I could help it, and honestly, if the worst happened, the last thing you'd be bothered about would be their bedrooms or staying in area. You'd want loving, supportive adults to be around them, hold them together and help them begin to make sense of a shattering experience.

You say your kids don’t know them, but YOU know them. Like them? Nice people? Like how they are bringing up their kids?

My kids don’t know my brother all that well at all, but he’s in our will to take our kids should the worst happen. He’ll inherit half a million quid or thereabouts with life insurance, which would help him move house to a bigger property. We’ve discussed it with him. Can you have that conversation?

In your circumstances then I would not be worrying, in the event of you both dying at the same time (not likely) social services will talk to family and friends, a decision will be made based on circumstances at the time. In the case of one of you dying, the surviving parent thinking about scenarios is more important

Agreed.

My late husband became annoyed when I asked whether his daughter and his partner had put their wishes in place with regard to their child.

I'd asked because the partner had been married before, was significantly older than the daughter and had an adult son and daughter. The daughter seemed a bit flaky (for want of a better expression) and was quite clingy when it came to her younger half-sibling: she became very upset if the child went to someone else instead of her during family visits.

I couldn't speak for the daughter, but it seemed obvious to me that my husband's son and his partner would have been a much better fit for the child.

The daughter's partner died suddenly. It turned out that he'd left no paperwork in order at all - no will, no indication of where his pension should go - nothing.

Fortunately, the child still had her mother, but it wasn't until her partner died that she realised that she needed to put her own affairs in order. Parents do need to think about these things.

I think this is very sensible to think of. We asked my SIL before making her putting her down as guardian in our will. She lives 2.5 hrs away. I wanted to discuss money/logistics - ie if we both die they could have a very nice life looking after our kids but I’d want them to relocate to where we live. My DP wasn’t comfortable having that sort of conversation and said in the unlikely instance it happens we should trust she’ll make the right decisions. But your post has got me thinking and I’m going to revisit it.

My suggestion would be that you get to know your bil and sil better. You say that you are just asking the question, but the more you post the more clueless, and yes, naive you sound. You are low key arguing with people who are much more knowledgeable about the fostering system than you. This whole thread is very odd.

I don’t think you understand what not great or bad foster care is. Someone who really doesn’t care about your child. Separated siblings, completely losing touch with each other. neglect. Abuse.
i can’t believe you are willing to choose that risk over family even if you don’t have close relationship. School is the least of your concerns. Are they decent people and would they do right by your kids?

I think the reason people are getting a little frustrated with you by now on this thread is that numerous people have made it clear this is not a decision you’ll be in a position to make. As you’ll be dead, the local authority will do a full assessment and make the decision.

What you say in your will does not come into it, it is merely indicative. The local authority will not - and I’m telling you this from a very informed position having managed whole child protection services, including representing children in court and making decisions on care day in and day out - put children into care where there is any possibility of a family placement for all the reasons I and others have laid out clearly throughout this thread. The family carers will be assessed and if they’re safe they will be the carers.

what on earth makes you think the local authority will spend hundreds of thousands purely to provide your children bedrooms of their own, when it is likely to place worse outcomes on your children?! Not having your own bedroom is not considered enough reason for children to go into foster care.

i wonder whether the fact you’ve not listened to numerous professionals shows you’re not really asking for advice.

You are right to consider this OP. I was very relieved when our youngest turned 18 as we had no young enough grandparents or willing family. We had a friend lined up to manage finances but not really sure where they would have lived if the worst had happened. I would urge you to have generous life insurance in place. Second death policy’s are very cheap, and would make a big difference to the children’s futures. DH and I are late 50’s now and kids grown ups but we still have a policy -I think it’s £65 ish a month for 750k cover, this would be much less for a younger couple.
Of the school/parents acquaintance's we made over the years for two kids I can think of 5 parents that died before their child was 18 - I think the stats are 1 in 29 will lose a parent before adult hood, obviously losing both is much more unlikely but you should hope for the best but plan for the worst.

family you trust would be a million times better than the care system. They could be separated from one another, moved between different short term placements or even put in a children’s home. I really wouldn’t wish for this.

Hopefully it never happens but if it does, the upheaval of a new school but with family, a permanent home and family members who knew their parents and will be able to talk to them about you, share memories etc is by far the best option.

There’s a middle ground I’d say between cold hearted and the caring, invested relatives you described. The fact that they’ve barely seen our children and I’m not even sure our youngest would recognise them should be indicative of this! They are pleasant enough but then. I imagine many foster carers are too. But I have accepted that this may be out of my control.

I think as a PP suggested getting a friend to act in their best interests looks like the most sensible call. After all, if they are halfway through their GCSEs and a levels that’s very different to if they are in year 2 and year 4.

It's likely to be a moot point (well, hopefully it'll be never come up, but it is important to think about).

Whilst you may be able to name your preferred guardian in the will, if you do not they will always look for family members first - foster care will be the last resort so if your relatives agree to take them and are deemed suitable that's what will happen.

One thing to consider, if you say you have friends who would take one of them but two is too big an ask, is if you would think it could work for both to go to different friends, particularly if they live local and could ensure they saw each other regularly and attended the same school etc.

I only see my SIL and her children once a year, the last time I saw them one of them asked me who I was…
I would be horrified if my SIL decided to put them into the care system rather than trust them to her brother and myself.
I’m not close to them, I send them cards and presents on their birthdays and see them at Christmas however if they found themselves in need of someone to look after them I would absolutely step up and look after them as I do my own children. They are family and would be loved, cherished and taken of, my SIL sees how my own children are being brought up and I hope knows that we are good people and knows we would do our utmost for her children despite the fact we don’t see them much.
Your children are almost grown, so won’t need the same level of care as younger children but they certainly wouldn’t thank you for putting them into care if you can’t find a friend to guide them

Foster care would be the last resort for me. The chances of your kids finding a family who are able to take them together, long-term and close to their existing school are slim to none. If you think SIL and BIL would do a good job of caring for them, then I'd opt for them. Or are you sure that none of your friends would step up? My SIL's good friend passed from cancer and her son was adopted by another friend with a child the same age and it's worked out really well for them. Maybe it's trickier with two, but by the time they are teenagers keeping them in the same area will be more important so friends may be the best option.

Your children are almost grown they definitely aren’t, the youngest hasn’t even started school yet!

I am not trying to pick holes but this happens a lot on these sorts of threads where posters profess saintly intentions in hypothetical situations that they haven’t yet been tested on. ‘I would adopt a child from Gaza / I would definitely take my neighbours cousins child to school every day / absolutely I would have taken him in and given him a hot meal.’ We can all be saintly in theory; practice is another matter of course.

Stop thinking about things that are very unlikely to happen. It will only make you miserable. Besides which, you surely have enough real problems to concern yourself with. Think positive! Enjoy the good things life has to offer.

@Nothavingagoodvalentinesday i’m not miserable, but I am sensible I would say.

I don’t think that my children could be killed when I put them in car seats; I don’t think that we could all be murdered or have our house plundered when I lock the back door at night; I’m not thinking we could all be roasted to a crisp when I change the batteries in the smoke alarm. Hopefully you get my drift 👍🏻

I really have no desire at all to be a twat here but I am becoming a tad resentful of being told to be quiet, don’t talk about it. The one thing in life that is certain is that we will die. I am hopeful this will be after a long and hopefully happy life but if not - if not, well, I want to minimise the impact on my children while also recognising pragmatically that they will be hugely affected.

Quite agree with this. We did exactly the same when dc were young.

I figured that moving out of the area wouldn’t matter as their lives would have been completely disrupted by us both dying so if my brother thought that was the best decision then it would be.

We also had friends nearby who would also have stepped up to help if needed, like if dc were doing exams etc.

I would trust all of these people to make the right decisions for my dc, knowing me and dh well and what we would have wanted.

You come on a message board and some people will tell you not to worry, others will empathise, and others will say you’re sensible. That is normal for any public forum. You can be fed up with it, but you can’t really control it.

what you can control is whether you listen to the professional and personal opinions of people who worked in or have experienced foster care, after all, many of these people are hardly commenting on hypothetical situations, just situations they have actually been in. You seem to be poo pooing these opinions and insisting foster care would be preferable so your children have their own rooms. This is somewhat ‘triggering’ for many people who have seen not only great or even good enough carers, but actively poor or unacceptable carers, with terrible outcomes, which is why this has got a little adversarial.

you’ve had some really sensible advice so I hope you can take some of it and hope above all your children won’t need it.