To wonder if foster care is the best of the bad options if our children were to lose both DH and I?

[ohmaaaan]

Horrible subject but …

In the event of something happening to both DH and myself. I’m wondering if our children might be better in the care system. I know the usual response is no, absolutely not - but we don’t have anyone who could take them. The only person who could realistically take them in is SIL and BIL, who live a long way away and have their own children and a house full. They are nice people but the children don’t know them very well, largely because of the distance.

I would ideally want them to stay at the same school and in the same area but maybe that’s not realistic.

Obviously hope it doesn’t happen.

It’s not at all an unusual thing to think of! I’m not anticipating my own demise or DH’s but we’ve still arranged with family as to who would take DS in the event of our deaths and stipulated on our wills what moneys go directly to that person.

Because if you don’t have immediate and obvious family that would take your children you do need to plan for what would happen and make your intentions clear.

But OP is being ridiculous if she would be willing to risk her children in care rather than making appropriate provisions for them to ensure they are safe. I mean if her and husband died then presumably the children come with money from life insurance and equity in the home, in which case BiL and SiL could utilise some of that money to accommodate additional children, whether that be purchasing a larger home temporarily or doing an extension.

Everyone should make sure they have a place for their children to go in the event something bad happened, and (where possible) that they would go with enough money that the person who would be caring for them could do so without an issue. That’s done with a living will and life insurance.

The reality is that if your kids lose both parents they are going to be devastated and their lives turned upside down and I suspect bedroom arrangements will be the least of it. You can’t mitigate against that. The only child I know who lost a parent young went from sleeping alone in their bedroom very happily to only sleeping touching an adult in a room with the light on - their own bedroom was irrelevant!

But I’d take a sibling I knew was at least a warm, responsible adult who would likely keep them until 18 and who would maintain their links to wider family over a random foster carer or carers. Foster carers who might live anywhere, might end the placement at any time, might well be someone I didn’t like or wouldn’t agree with, might have other kids mine didn’t like, might split my kids up from each other and who might not even exist at all. How many adults do you think there are with two empty bedrooms, no other children and a desire to foster children?

I’d get some serious life insurance and hope my sibling would use it to buy a bigger house or extend theirs if bedroom space was really the issue.

If I was really worried I might also work on building a closer relationship with aforementioned sibling so that in the event of disaster the kids would know them.

Seriously? Do you never plan for things?
As a lone parent I had to plan for this stuff and thought about it every day of my life. Usually at 3am.

In 13 years working in this field I’ve seen this happen twice. Both were single parents dying. In one case the dc were 15 and 17 and went to live with their friends parents they wanted to stay local. They were nice kids and several families offered. In the other different family took members each child. Half siblings were separated but it was the right outcome. Very sad.

I have worked with adults who were looked after children, several of my friends foster or have adopted, DH worked with young people/mental health. Do not put your children into the care system if you give one tiny ounce of a crap about them. It breaks people, destroys trust, emotional safety, ruins lives. It should be the best bet last resort if children are so unsafe in a situation if it's not possible for them to remain there. I can't believe you're even considering it because of bedroom space, they may not even be fished they may go to a children's home. Do you honestly think that's preferable to living with relatives even if they don't know them well, and sharing a bedroom?

This can't be real

Well it's honestly not going to be your decision if the aunt and uncle are willing to take them, as I already explained

Trusted family members every time. Even if they were in a different country. You're being incredibly naive.

I think this has been addressed a few times as the bedroom rule would at least ensure some degree of privacy.

I am not in any way arguing that this is better. But it is something to consider. BIL and SIL have only boys; we have a mix. That would in all likelihood mean the boys in one bedroom to allow the girl to have her own and I can imagine that being pretty tough for all concerned. Given where they live, even with a massive payout affording a home with more than four bedrooms is going to be challenging.

Just on this point-children who have been in foster care do statistically have worse outcomes than children who are raised by family this is true. However it's not as simple as saying foster care harms children's life chances. The majority of children who end up in foster care do so because they have been abused and/or neglected. It's impossible to parse which adverse life event created the disparity in outcomes.

I don’t think that foster care would mean that they get to stay at their schools and in their area though. They could be placed anywhere.

And you’re being incredibly rude. It isn’t naive to ask a question; that’s the opposite of naive 👍🏻 it’s thinking, considering and making plans in advance.

Of course, the worry is that SIL may well say no - in which case they’d either have to take their chances in the care system or potentially go to friends but different ones, as no one would have both. No easy answers and I think this is the difficult takeaway from this.

So, I'm going to add a bit of a different perspective.

Firstly, I'm a social worker, not in fostering but have worked with a number of fostered children. Foster care is a last resort, though not the last option,which is a children's home, regardless of what your will says - the state will try and find familial carers in the first instance, and only if they refuse would they go to foster care. Sibling groups are kept together where possible, bit if not possible, they will be split up and may be far apart. Where possible they will remain at the same school, but there's a max distance on travel time before they're put in new schools. Family relationships are prioritised and maintained as significantly important.

Foster care is a necessary evil.

My second perspective. I'm legal guardian of my late best friends 3 children. Her husband died suddenly and she succumbed to cancer about a year later. I had threads on here about it at the time as I was very much in two minds. We've considered adopting them and did get quite far in to the process, but decided against it after some family counselling - we will adopt them, gladly, if they want us to in a few years (they're 11, 8 and 5). I won't pretend it has been easy. We have 2 biological children as well. And we've sadly had to change all their schools (they were all in private, and whilst my friend left sufficient to meet the ongoing fees, the application of VAT meant it was untenable. They settled well in the new school though and we're now looking at secondary for the oldest (the 2 oldest are the same age).

The situation came about because my friend was really upset after her husband died and was worried about what would happen if she died (her health was fine when she said this) and I flippantly said, don't worry, they've always got a home with me. I never in a million years thought it'd be needed. She had a sister abroad but her husband was reluctant and SS deemed them unsuitable anyway - this was decided close to the time she died. Her mum was alive at the time but had her own health issues - she still sees the children now and her health is better.

Overall it's worked well. They're obviously scarred from losing both parents in quick succession and I expect trouble in teenage years. SS have been pretty useless and I don't expect more support if they need it. Thankfully my friends will and personal circumstances have meant the children are well provided for - it wasn't the deciding factor in them remaining with us, but it's definitely helped.

I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it if I had the conversation again.

So you never know!

They could, although I’d like to imagine they’d at least try to keep them in the area though. Perhaps that isn’t possible but it could be. Whereas with SIL they’d definitely be out of the area.

Thanks for that @Dilemmmmma . It sounds like a difficult but rewarding experience.

I’d rather share a bedroom with a sibling or cousin than have my own room and a foster dad who asks you sit on his knee when you’re 15.

A third of looked after children are homeless within 2 years of leaving care. 77% are on benefits. Only 6% of LAC go to uni. 25% of LAC are NEET eight years after leaving care. They are NINE times more likely to die by suicide. Half have a mental health disorder. 52% have a conviction by the age of 24 and they are ten times more likely to receive a custodial sentence.

You seem to have very unrealistic fluffy ideas about foster care.

so I know a few people that went through foster care system, both my parents and my nephews girlfriend is currently in foster care. She lost both parents, was split from her siblings, they were all three placed with different people. She has been with 3 different carers so far, she did move schools, all the kids did and they are living far apart, my parents were all split from siblings too when placed in care and placed in different areas.

My post above, that’s not my experience of knowing people who have been in foster care, they could also be placed in children’s homes and split from siblings. It’s not always a nice couple looking to foster two children and then that’s it.. it’s time limited, they are moved around a lot, split from siblings, it’s not consistent.

They wouldn't necessarily stay in the local area. I have taught looked after children who are miles from their old
areas.

Foster care can also be terrible (can be fabulous too) and family would always be my first choice unless family members were cruel and abusive

@MrsPapillon that is an awful experience but (and I’m not trying to be unnecessarily argumentative here) aren’t we repeatedly told that most sexual abuse happens within the family? So can I potentially definitely, without any doubt at all, trust BIL and his three teenage sons with my preteen daughter? I need to stress here that I have not seen any evidence of anything that would make me say no - but ditto with foster care, isn’t it? I don’t know BIL well. All I can say is that he seems like a nice enough guy but I’ve not had much to do with him.

Ultimately you’re relying on people’s goodwill either way.

I haven’t made any decisions yet. As others have said hopefully it won’t happen, but it’s a possibility and one I can’t ignore because I don’t like the answer!

You aren't wrong and don't let posters scare you about foster care. Step parents / mothers new partner, uncles and grandfather's are the most common perpetrators of CSA.

Sorry but it’s unlikely they would end up in foster care within your local area, my friend fosters and takes in children from vast areas due to the lack of foster care available in some areas.
They may also be split up, share a foster home with other children with additional needs/behavioural problems etc
I can’t understand why you think local authority care would be better then relatives who have a vested interest in your children and their welfare?!
We have 3 children, my children’s guardian is my sister, she could sell our house to add an extension/move to a home to fit them in alongside her children.
I would take in any relatives/friends children to avoid them going into care, even if it meant having to share rooms, reconfigure the house.
Children in care can get such a rough road, judged by others, limited resources etc I wouldn’t wish it on any child where there were other good options available.

@lessglittermoremud have you been reading a different thread relatives who have a vested interest in your children and their welfare

We have done this - asked a good friend if he would act as guardian - in the sense of deciding where DC would be best off if the worst were to happen. He has several children of his own so not expecting he would take them in. But we feel he would make the best decisions for them

That’s true, but there’s only one BIL and your children may have many multiple foster dads/siblings.