Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

he knows you're not sure, he knows you are already stressed & nervous and that makes it easy for him to use this incident punish you some more

Please look at the language you are using to describe yourself.

Then call your mum and beg her to find some way to get you out of the hell your husband has created for you.

Call her tonight. Beg her for help. She could send a taxi.

This vicious, angry man has done a number on you.

Three words can come from your mouth. “What’s for dinner?” With a smile and an open face. Looking straight at him. If he bats it back, “oh love I’m still bleeding and leaking (don’t dare feel embarrassed about naming it) and I have that back injury from sleeping on the sofa these past few days postpartum. Could you knock something together? Frankly I’m not really up to hosting.” Again, smile and open face.

Sometimes blatant passive aggression is effective.

And if he complains, “I think we both seriously overestimated how much hosting I could do while recovering. Should I go to mums or can your sis go to a hotel? Or could you take over all the hosting and I can rest and look after the baby?”

Like a toddler, offer two options and don’t entertain argument. Look bemused, amused and ask for clarification. Stay very calm and logical.

Ask the people who have not just had a baby to prepare you some food and a cup of tea. What are they doing there if they are not making you food and rehydrating you so you can feed your baby? Explain that you are hungry and thirsty and very tired. Perhaps they just haven't worked this out.

Make sure you are getting enough to eat and drink even if they are too dreadful to make you anything.

It doesn't matter, my dear. If the boot hadn't locked properly then a warning light would have come on. Completely his responsibility as the driver to notice that and deal with it.

He's a horrible bully and I wonder if he's bullied his sister to the point of silence before too. I'm sure she thinks hes a prick too

I’m absolutely raging for you.

All of this is so bad. The outrageous expressing and sleeping regime he initially insisted on, expecting you to sleep on the sofa two weeks post partum, the endless criticising and negging, blowing up over the pram, excluding you from conversations - where does he get off?

It’s like he has no appreciation at all for what you’ve done here, what you’re continuing to do, no appreciation for the physical and emotional impact of carrying and birthing this baby, and feeding him, and adjusting to motherhood; like he thinks it’s all a walk in the park, that he would have done so much better if only he had the parts. Knobhead.

Please, if you can take anything from this thread, try to get it really clear that it’s not you, it’s him. At the moment he’s giving you a hard time about just about everything; I hope you can soon summon the forces to start giving him a hard time about being such a shit partner and father.

And yes, he is being a shit father - the mother/baby dyad is really important and crucial for the baby’s welfare, and he’s doing everything he can to disrupt that. That baby was inside you for nine months, you were literally his whole world, and he still needs your presence on an absolutely visceral level, just as you need to be close to your baby that way. There’s a reason they call these first three months the “fourth trimester”.

Has he always “worn the trousers” in your relationship? Do you feel deep down like he has the right to criticise you but you don’t have the right to do the same back? Like he’s the “boss” in your relationship?

You’ve done a great job standing up to him over the sleeping arrangements, well done for that, but I think you need to find some absolute rage of your own at him and really read him the riot act. He’s only going to get worse, otherwise.

Wishing you strength! And wishing you lots and lots of lovely cuddles with your beautiful brand new baby, without superfuckingdad ruining them!

Been stuck in a cluster feeding session since 4:30pm and nobody has checked on me. They are having drinks in the garden

OP i was on my own with a baby. I twice put her in her car seat, left the door open and kept started driving while it was swinging open. Once at a country park where some guy shouted to tell me and his whole group laughed at me as I stopped and ran round to close it. Then coming out of a multi storey car park, where i stopped at lights and same went to close it. Baby brain is a thing. Considering what he's put you through it's completely understandable you're even more stressed than you need to be, exhausted and he should be concerned for you and your welfare not talking about you in a man way when your are right next to him. I'd be at your mums by now. He's not going to improve. Make sure you log all of this in detail with your health professionals because I'd bet a huge amount he's going to try to accuse you of all sorts of things and you need to protect yourself. He isn't your ally any more. Never mind how he was before baby's birth. Treat baby's birth as day one, you've met a new man. How does this man treat you. Lots of men change right at this point and not in a good way.

Phone him if he’s got it on him and say hello I need a drink? What have you made for dinner? I’m starving and feeding the baby. Call him out.

Omg what a piece of shit. Utter trash human.

How dare he does all of this. Makes YOU sleep on the couch, gaslights you, shows you the middle finger, etc.

everyone should be caring for YOU as the postpartum mother.
Im so sorry you have to deal with this.

Go to your mums. You can make a bubble there.

Please also know - if this is how he is with a newborn- inviting family round to stay at a new born mums house. This is the best it’s going to get. He will only be worse from now on. It’s even easier to neglect older children and their mum.

The first time I cut DDs nails I caught the end of her finger & I felt awful as it was bleeding a little bit.

I think it sounds like they are being judgmental. Luckily he will be back at work soon & you can worry less about how you are looking after the baby.

I did do a routine from day 1 - it’s not for everyone but it might suit you both as it sounds like your DP wants to have timings planned. It did work for us with both. I liked it as I knew what time we would be doing things like getting up, eating, napping etc.

What language are they speaking in - can you not understand anything?

OP also, if you are accrual going to your mums or anywhere else - don't tell him in advance. He may try to stop you going and taking the baby. Give him as little foreknowledge or better, none. Just go.

Order a take away bring it to bed when it comes and wake up tomorrow and quietly get a bag together and walk off like you are going for a walk but don’t come back ! Go to your mums and text him to say that’s where you’ve gone and you need some space

Op, your partner has no respect for you. You seem to be an anxious mess because of him. He doesn't deserve you.

It would be emotionally healthier to part from him now, even with a newborn. Do not so this to yourself.

Hey, forgetting to shut the boot is a minor lapse. One of my friends went to a small gathering at another friend's house with her newborn and when the baby fell asleep, she left him in the moses basket in an upstairs bedroom. She (and her husband!) then left the gathering without the baby as they weren't used to having one yet! But your DH is putting everything on you, rather than sharing in the newborn experience and helping you to recover from the birth and adjust to this new person who is dependent on you. He needs to grow up. And if he's not willing to see that what he's doing is selfish right now, then I think you need to step away and get the nurturing and help you need from your mum.

And the speaking in their own language in front of you is the height of disrespect.

This is so awful. When you have a new baby the first few months are like you are living in an alternative universe where day is night and vice versa! You need to tell your husband that having the family to stay is too much to cope with at the same time as trying to establish routines with your newborn baby - this is such an important time for you. Can they stay in a hotel or with other family? There is no way you should be expected to cook for guests too! Tell him it is not reasonable or acceptable and is affecting you badly. If he won't listen for your sake, say it's for the baby's sake. Sending you hugs.

OMG the first few weeks of a new baby are literally staggering around shell-shocked. I was stuck on the sofa watching daytime TV. People need to cook for you! Or bring you some good quality ready meals. Your DH has no idea how exhausting recovering from the birth, establishing bf is. The first time I went out with our baby and my DP we literally couldn't work out how to get the pushchair unfolded and had to phone a friend. I can't believe your DH and his family are expecting you to just breeze in and cater for them. It is outrageous. I think your decision to do the nights and cat nap are for the best. Well done for insisting. It sounded awful having to wake up anyway and pump. You will crawl through the next few weeks but you'll be fine. The new dad thinks he's in shock but has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how tough it is for the mother! Sending you strength and love xxxxx

PlEASE don't show a controlling man this thread!

OP.. please speak to your health visitor/gp about this asap.

Also there's a gadget on amazon which you can use to trim baby's nails, but best to ask health visitor for addvice... do it in front of her DO NOT LET YOUR DH DO THE NAILS. After the way he behaved today. If he does it wrong , he might accuse you.

I'm sorry. He's exhausted???? WTAF? LISTENING to you? Did he just keep a baby alive for 9 months with his body; birth it; and it's now keeping it alive with his milk??? No
Thought not!

Please be empowered to feel that you know what is right for your baby. Try to forgive yourself for the first night scare- it wasn't your fault, these things happen. Now the latch is sorted.

Stop pumping, stop him getting his 6h, he can sleep on the sofa if he wants that and talk to your health visitor ASAP. I'm with other posters who are concerned about him making these accusations.

Please reach out for support for those you trust, that have had babies recently and/or professionals!

Big hugs. You can do this.

This just gets worse OP and I feel quite cross on your behalf. So you have given birth only 2 weeks ago and are just getting used to looking after a baby, with all that entails, and he invites his sister, his cousin and a boyfriend to stay for 10 days. At a time when you least want people staying in your house that you have to cater for and at a time when you need support and to be looked after so that you can focus on your baby. And then he bullies you & puts you down & makes you feel like a bad mother.
I really think you need some time away from him, and then think about what you are going to do. This is not ok and you & your baby deserve much better.

I’d be using google translate to see what they’re saying op. It’s rude at the very least but it definitely sounds like he’s trying to construct something negative about you

Hi OP
this happened to me 2 weeks postpartum but with a MIL coming to stay and my husband and her getting me to make her lunch / tea - her making comments like I was over feeding him, he did not have any clothes that fitted him. I also called my dad crying at 2 weeks postpartum from the bedroom and sound similar to you.

All I can say is now I am 6 months post partum and if you read my current post things have gone from bad to worse; I wish I had called it and made plans to leave sooner.

He is being a dick and and I hope you are OK