Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Those are very fair points, I agree.

Unsure where in the country you are but I am in Essex. Happy to meet up
for a pram walk with you / have a coffee if local. You don’t need to be alone.

Also, please don’t feel bad about the car thing. I have been known to lock myself out of my house, leave the keys in the car whilst it was unlocked (all day), once drove very slowly into a wall as I misjudged the distance, and as of last week, drove off with the boot open and my mum had to
run after me to tell me. You have a hell of a lot going on. Please give yourself some grace.

The baby is safe in the bed right next to mum.

You reply ‘baby is crying because he is a baby and they cry. Go back to showing off to your family and leave us alone.’

@Aristocack Does his sister not speak English? Why were they speaking their language in the car? That's very rude if you're not fluent!

Also, when you say the pram fell out the boot - how?? Prams are heavy so you'd have to accelerate at quite a rate to actually get a pram to fall out (Newton's laws and all that...)! My car also has a light on the dash to tell me the boot isn't shut!

I'd go to your DH with a sweet smile and ask him if he'd like some help cooking dinner or can he manage...

Ugh I get the whole thing of partner needing to perform some perfect parent role to his family - my DH did this - but having them staying with you while he does that is just too much. Is there someone you can talk to IRL like a health visitor to explain to him he is putting too much pressure on you to be perfect? I really think his sister needs to find another place to stay too. You should not be cooking for them it’s ridiculous. She can cook if she is going to stay, along with your partner since he’s not breastfeeding and recovering from childbirth

I’m so sorry, OP. This is heartbreaking. Currently, every single system in your body is biologically tuned to respond to your baby and in your baby’s body to respond to you. That connection is just part of nature and blots out reasoning, logic, physical coordination, attention to others, attention to self… None of this nonsense should be happening to you. I hope you get help very soon xx

re the car boot, your h is at fault for driving off without checking.

he sounds horrendous. Really awful. The sleeping rota and pumping - wtf???

You deserve so much better.

Could you go to a friend’s? Or your mum?

Tell your Husband the baby is cluster feeding, and to order a takeaway if he’s not prepared to cook for everyone! I’d then spend the rest of the night in your bedroom and enjoy your baby

Wow it gets worse. You shouldn't be running around after anyone. They're so rude talking in their own language around you.

I'd be off to dm.

I’d be raging at this alone. Tell them! ‘You’re clearly all waiting for me to cook but I’ve just had a baby and I’m not volunteering to look after all of you too. So, someone else can sort it. Who’s volunteering?’ Cheeky bunch of selfish fuckers.

Hold on, this doesn't make any sense! If the boot was open the driver (your DH) must have been able to see it In the rear view mirror, surely? And there would have been an alarm on the dash as well.

Appalling carelessness on his part to not notice! Don't let him make out that it's your fault!

Do not cook for them, it is obscene if they expect you to. Stay upstairs, wait for him to come up and ask and tell him you won’t be cooking, or even better ask him what he is making you for dinner. Though I suspect he will start cooking and offer you nothing. Realistically by 8 they will need to have cooked. Can you order yourself a pizza or something, watch a sitcom on your phone and stay in the room with the baby?

only a short tempered angry little dick would still be annoyed at a woman that just gave birth not noticing the boot was open, normally cars make a noise if the boot is open, he did not notice either. Yes most normal families would brush it aside quite quickly.

What he is saying is absolutely abusive. "Nobody is judging'"/ "they all understand" implies there is something to judge, that you have somehow failed, that there is something to 'understand'.

Oh my love. I've read the whole thread and I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you deserve. You know that your partner's behaviour is appalling. When i was to weeks postpartum and recovering from birth, my partner wouldn't have even let me put the shopping bags in the boot myself. I'm not saying that to be smug, but as a reminder that his whole attitude absolutely stinks and he's purposely trying to erode your confidence.

Don't think it'll get any better. He's already bullying you back to work because he wants a new car faster?!? Fuck that. Use the support you have IRL and here to stay strong. Start making secret plans to leave.

You do that then, make yourself some tea and toast and snuggle up in bed and watch something on your phone/ipad. They can sort themselves out downstairs

How old is he? No use shouting over spilt tea. Or Coca Cola or whatever.

He needs to learn to control his temper, because that is both ridiculous and abusive.

I think this incident smacks of 'accidentally on purpose' he likely resents the fact that your mum bought you something nice and quite expensive for your baby.

I now suspect he did know that the boot was open but rather than shut it, he choose to make a scene so OP would feel bad.

It doesnt matter what his culture or religion is if hes not english this is seriously abusive and it will get worse,.its very controlling and hes telling you you are just a mother now and that is your only purpose but ironicly will abuse you and put you down, im sorry hes ruining your special time

I don't know if I fully forgot to shut it or whether I did shut it but it didn't lock on properly and opened as he started driving away

Why are you with this bully... sending big hugs and hopes that you do keep a note of how you are being treated and seek support x

I’d be tempted to download a voice translation app when I was near them to see what they are really saying

OP when my first was a couple of weeks old and we went out for the first time, I was so fucking tired I tried to fold the pushchair with the baby still in it. Shit happens. I wasn’t a bad mother, just knackered and spaced out. Said baby is 24 now and no harm was done.

What worries me most about this nasty insidious bastard you are living with is this: he has got inside your head and made you feel as though you are useless, incompetent etc. You shouldn’t be this angry at yourself for scratching a bloody pram, and if the people around you had one scrap of human decency, you wouldn’t have been made to feel like that.

Please, please take the baby and go to your mum’s. You don’t have to make the really big decisions today, but you desperately need to be somewhere you are loved and supported. You need space to find your own rhythm with your baby and allow yourself to heal. And for the record - you are really fucking good at this! How the hell you even managed to get breastfeeding established under those circumstances is a miracle. Chin up, tits out, you are worth more than this and you deserve better.

Is the health visitor still coming? Take her to your room alone, tell her about this bonkers sleeping and feeding rota and all the other shit is putting you through. Can your mum come over(and kick the free loaders out?) And protect you?
Is baby registered? Where is the birth certificate? Don't let it out of your sight, I could imagine him applying for a birth certificate.