Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

This is genuinely horrifying. How dare you be put in this position with a newborn, him upsetting you and making you cry and foisting random relatives on you, AND expecting you to wait on them, at a time when you're supposed to be blissful and bonding. I'm raging for you.

What about his Mum? Do you have a decent relationship with her? I'd be appalled if I knew that my children were acting like this after one of their partners has just given birth. Sorry if I've missed a reference to her, but if she's a decent human being you could call her and have her read the riot act to her son and daughter.

This baby was planned. I'd looked forward to having a baby for years and was so excited for the newborn bubble. I'm fucking devastated

Have a feed and cuddle with your baby after your cheese on toast and ice cream. You are making me envious.

Everyone else can see to themselves. Full Stop

Honestly, I’d go and stay with your mum.

Theres no need for you to apologise so much about the buggy. It’s your buggy. And you’re right, normal people would make you feel better not sit in silence and ignore you.

Do they actually think you’re some kind of housekeeper @Aristocack ? He should
have your back. You need to set boundaries now unless you want it to be like this going forward.

They are waiting for me to cook I think.

What the actual fuck is wrong with these people???

Please don’t cook for them.

Can you go to bed and watch TV?

Next time you are at the shop can you pick up things you can eat in the bedroom if you haven’t got them.

Are any of them understanding?

I don't understand why the woman who has a 2 week old baby, is exhausted and probably still quite sore, was left to put everything in the boot of the car when she was with 2 other functioning adults ... her husband and sister. Were they just fucking sat in the car waiting for you to sort everything?

Wow. That’s actually really worrying behaviour from him. Was he like this with you before you had a baby? What a horrible prick. I can’t even imagine how you feel dealing with that 2 weeks after having a baby.

Also, having people stay at your house with a newborn baby for 10 days is absolutely wild. I suppose it might sound like a good idea before having a baby though.

Have you pulled him up on this? I would’ve gone absolutely mental when I got him on his own. It’s also very weird him saying ‘these weren’t there when I left the baby with you’. He sounds like he thinks the baby is his and you’re just looking him for a bit.

I would tell him exactly what you think and then stay upstairs as much as you can, or go to your Mums. What an absolute bellend treating you like shit when your hormones are all over the place.

If your guests have babies in the future, they are going to be absolutely mortified that they stayed with you for 10 days with a newborn.

Why the fuck are you even thinking about cooking for HIS GUESTS?! You are surviving on little sleep, have a new born, and they are functioning adults! They should be cooking for you!

Partner keeps doing this thing where he says "It's okay, rest, nobody we judging and they all understand". But then he has this other side to him. I feel gaslighted constantly

Of course you are. He’s abusive and he’s upped his abuse now you are trapped. Look how many posters are telling you that. It took a few AIBUs for me to finally recognise the abuse I was getting and took me even longer to leave. Don’t marry him and don’t stay with him. Please. It’s so bad for your mental and physical health.

I dont know what country these cunts are from but they clearly see you as inferior to them, they are treating you like a slave!
Wtf, I wouldnt bother with this blokes mother, she will take her sons side, either openly OR she'll pretend so that you trust her & then use that to undermine you.
Dont cook for them or lift a finger.
He's showing of to his family by demonstrating that he's the boss & you have to tiptoe around him.
Don't do it, ignore them, dig your heels in & embarrass him in front of them.

No no definitely dont cook. Say you feel dizzy or something. You say he,s not patriarchal yet he expects you to cook with a very young baby. Either they cook or takeaway. At this time a goid stock of frozen meals from Cook is a good idea,

You are NOT in anyway a cow that produces young and then sees to other adults. They can Bloody Well see to themselves. They are to pack their belongings, clean up their rooms, wash and iron their bedding and Bugger Off as far as you are concerned.

Your Home is NOT in any way their Hotel.

I'd take yourself up to bed with the baby and just keep yelling downstairs when you want something like a normal new mother should be able to

If he's gonna treat you shit then it's not like he's going to think any worse of you

If he doesn't step up snd start bring you the stuff you want /need then it gives you your answer on how he is going to treat you

If he doesn't step up then make plans to either ask him to leave a while or go to your mother's

No cooking. Make yourself tea and toast and head to bed. You can tell them how you need to nap as much as you can as baby is feeding on demand.

I think you need to take the sister to one side and say to her

can you imagine having a 6 week period and flooding all the time with pains as your womb shrinks back, wanting to curl up on the sofa and relax in your pj as you have been woken up every three hours and had to feed your baby through the nights. the more stressed I get the harder it is to feed baby and the more he cries, but everyone keeps look at me expecting me to be doing stuff, can you help?

It’s also very weird him saying ‘these weren’t there when I left the baby with you’. He sounds like he thinks the baby is his and you’re just looking him for a bit
I agree with this from @agri, he's treating you like you're the home help and the child is his alone.

What the actual….?

Tell them you are exhausted, you gave birth two weeks ago and you need support not criticism. And can’t cook because you are bleeding. ( That should shut him up!)

Your husband sounds like a selfish arsehole.

I would have a conversation with your sister in law. I know she has no children but maybe you can confide in her and she could speak to your husband? Surely she is noticing his agression? .

He sounds incredibly domineering and controlling. He is also massively responsible for your continuing anxiety and it may get worse.

I actually think you would get more rest going to your mother’s.

Please do not continue to host these people. It’s your husband’s job.

It’s because he knows that’s what he’s meant to say. But he doesn’t actually believe it.

He is gaslighting you and I'm so sorry. I’m also sorry that the newborn bubble isn’t what you’d imagined, but it’s not too late to change that. Even if you don’t go anywhere (I agree with those saying go to your mum’s for a break, not a permanent departure, but appreciate it’s not that simple), put your foot down more and more. If you want to cuddle your baby on the sofa and watch a sitcom with ice cream, they can go out for food. All of the inconvenience should be on them, not you.

Also please don’t worry about the pram thing. I once drove off without properly clipping the car seat in and it tipped over. Baby was absolutely fine and no one batted an eyelid.

I think you need to go to your mums for a bit, this is insane. At 2 weeks PP whilst my husband was on pat leave he did absolutley everything, including delivering cups of tea and toast, and I just fed and changed the baby when I could. Plus breastfeeding was so painful, especially when you're encouraged and the baby is so small and I couldn't get the latch right.

(I did have an emergency C section but I can't imagine giving birth was any easier, my friend had a very difficult birth and tear and was laid up longer than me)

I can't believe he expects you to host and cook for your family?! What the actual fuck. And as someone else said why the hell were you the one loading the boot when there was 2 other adults who weren't recovering from childbirth at hand?!

Fuck that! You must be absolutley exhausted poor thing. Also I totally get the anxiety about child abuse stories in the news, with hormones going insane I cried every day over a couple of really high profile ones when my DC was a baby. I felt so helpless and couldn't stop thinking about those poor little ones who weren't being loved or safe.

I agree with the others. This is very sinister behaviour. Tell someone! Health Visitor. Baby Clinic or G.P. If you have family of your own. Take your little son and stay with them Phone your partner and tell him you wont be back until his family have left. Apart from anything else . Its too soon for you to be entertaining.