Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

leave first, process second.

You are walking on eggshells in your own house because you're scared of how your partner will react and that he will say awful things about you to his family. You're scared of your tiny baby crying for too long in case people judge you for it, because your partner has continuously made you feel small, stupid, and incapable. Your baby SHOULD be crying. It's normal! And your partner should be supporting you, but he's not. So sorry OP but putting together everything you've said this man sounds like some sort of narcissistic abuser. I know it's a very vulnerable time for you but I really think you should get out of there for a while, and be around just your own family for a while so you can gets some perspective and see how different you feel.

That's absolutely not how human relationships work. People are acting as if he's an immediate risk of violence which he's not. He's a bit of an arsehole with controlling tendencies. There is no need for OP to flee in the night. Especially with a 3 week old baby

I am surprised the number of people who say leave him. With a two week old baby? Unless you can go to your mums for a break, I would stick it out for a while. You mentioned having to excuse yourself because you were bleeding. It is a long time since I had a baby but I think bleeding two weeks after the birth might not be normal. Perhaps Google your symptoms to be sure. You sound like you are going to be a lovely mum and I am sorry you are having a hard time just now.

Bleeding two weeks after giving birth is totally normal!
The rest of what you said was spot on though

Go to your mums or kick them out. They are inhumane. You shouldn’t have to put on an act just after giving birth to new life. It is a miracle that others should support. Not hound you at Tesco. Yuk.

I drove over my changing bag when I had a small baby. My partner called me a silly sausage and smiled.

There's a lot going on right now but the scales have dropped from your eyes this is a good thing. Remember with each of these examples it is him that is wrong and not you.

For the next couple of days focus on looking after yourself and your baby and quietly start putting together a plan to leave, you don't have to do everything at once

Speak to your HV /GP whichever professional you see next on your own.

What is your access to money like and how was your maternity meant to be funded? I'd look at getting yourself a week's worth of emergency cash.

Get together important documents and things that are precious to you. I would expect him to get spiteful if you leave. What is your housing situation.

You have a tiny baby and still recovering from birth, it is the weekend and you are outnumbered. I wouldn't leave without a plan, if you feel unsafe or that you absolutely have to go - please find a reason or an excuse to go back to the maternity ward.

Because its easier said than done. It takes a lot of courage and finding your inner strength and it takes time to process. All that while caring for a newborn baby two weeks postpartum and being made small and stupid by her husband and his family.

Make arrangements to visit your mum and see if the health visitor can see you there. Have some time being looked after and get some rest.
You'll be amazed how different you'll feel with some space and a clear head.
Now isnt the time for big decisions, but looking after your baby begins with looking after you.

The sister also sounds like a dick, by the way. How dare she sit there and ignore you in the car while you were apologising, after not helping you with the shopping and the pram, and then go on to speak in another language - there's no reason they would do that other to make it clear they are talking about you. You have nobody on your side in your own house. Tell them to go f--ck themselves and go and live with your mum. This is such a precious time in your life and they are making it absolutely miserable for you - and from your partner, this will only escalate. This won't end when the baby is a toddler, or in primary school. Your child will probably end up walking on eggshells eventually too. You both deserve more than that. Please go to your mum. Tell her everything. Show her this thread if you have to.

Because it is real life, not a game of sims where the character has to move the second you say. It is actually further abuse to try and control the op, even if with thr best of intentions. Give her time to process what people are saying and make her own choice else it leads to people going straight back.

OP It is the responsibility of the driver to check their mirror before leaving and therefore notice an open boot.

I would calmly ask him what exactly he is implying and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is talking rubbish and you are insulted. How dare he speak to you like that? And how dare he do it in front of his family. Lay down the law.

What country are the in-laws from? A two-week visit really doesn’t seem reasonable 2 weeks post partum. This reminds me of a friend of a friend who had an African husband - same massive long in-laws visit right after birth and he wanted custody of their small child after they split. The judge declined to award it since he’d been sending large sums of money home to his family every month instead of supporting his wife and baby here. There are sometimes big cultural differences at play which it can be good to understand and work through early (or avoid!!!).

Please tell your health visitor all of this. Could you call and ask for an in person appointment away from him??

They will be able to sign post you.

What is the living situation, are you renting/bought etc?

When my kids were newborns I started to drive off more than once with my boot wide open. I went places and realised I'd forgotten the buggy/changing bag/our jackets. I regularly lost my keys. I once even forgot to put the handbrake on when we got home and my car rolled down the drive and into our hedge. These things happen when you are sleep deprived and struggling to adjust to a new baby - it's totally normal. Each time my partner just laughed and gave me a hug. And these all happened when the babies were months old - at two weeks postpartum you shouldn't be the one carrying the Tesco bag or shutting the boot. Please don't tell me that you were the one that lifted the pram into the car because that's a good way to give yourself a prolapse so soon after birth.

Many of the things your OH is unhappy with are completely normal at this stage - staying in bed all day nursing, baby crying, baby waking regularly throughout the night. It sounds like you are scared of your OH's reaction to your baby being a baby.

I was on the fence earlier today and thought if you had another couple of nights like last night then things might work out at home, but following your recent post it is clear that your OH is not giving you the support you need and he is making you feel terrible about how you are coping. Both of these things will put you at risk of developing of post-natal depression, which isn't good for you or the baby. Get on the phone to your mum now and arrange to go and stay with her as soon as you can. And call your health visitor first thing tomorrow to fill her in on what's happening and find out what support she can give you.

Leaving doesn't need to be permanent. Hopefully your OH will shape up and pull himself together. But for now you need all the support and love you can get so that you can do your best by your precious baby.

I wasn’t the one lifting a pram into the boot of the car when I was barely 2 weeks post partum! What was everyone thinking?? Are their arms broken?

It doesn’t matter about the pram, it’s still perfectly useable like you say.
My first thought was why are you the one putting bags in the boot anyway, you’re 2 weeks postpartum, they should be carrying things for you.
Also I say this as a bilingual person, I would never sit and have a full conversation in front of someone else who couldn’t understand, it’s very rude.
Newborns do cry, feeling anxious about it because you have guests is just horrible, they shouldn’t be there this early on.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and not bring cared for like you need. You must keep advocating for yourself. Don’t let him crush you.

They are waiting for me to cook I think. I could cry. All I want to do is make myself some cheese on toast, snuggle up cosy on the sofa with some ice cream, cuddle baby (without having to worry about my boobs leaking in front of people) and watch a sitcom.

Then do that. Seriously.

I couldn't relax with them around though

Don’t dare cook for them. Tell them they should be cooking for you.

Please get out of this shitshow and go to your mums

Could you relax at your mum's?

Do none of his friends have children?

For a grown man who’s presumably chosen to be a father to expect at least 6 hours unbroken sleep and for a baby not to cry is just bizarre.

And that’s not even touching on his insane expectations of you!

Yes. It takes a while but that treading in egg shells does go. They continue the tactics post separation but it’s easier to ignore.

Can’t you just make your food and take it to your room and watch a show in bed ? Do you have a laptop or iPad or something