Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

First off, you aren't a dick, and you really shouldn't feel humiliated by this.

Secondly, your DP as the driver, should have checked the rear view mirror and over his shoulder PRIOR to reversing/moving off, and had he done so, he'd have noticed that the boot wasn't closed.

Thirdly, again as you are 2.5 weeks post partum, your DP should be carrying the bag of shopping and then closing the boot.

This is just another example of your DP being an unsupportive and crap partner and then making YOU to be the one at fault. He's grinding you down into a shell of yourself. Honestly, all of the behaviour of his that you've described on this thread is abusive. Please do reconsider this relationship.

OP it was an accident. You are tired and a new mum. He should be lifting the shopping, the buggy - anything that is not the baby- when there. He should be telling you not to worry.

Soeak to your MW and HV and do not allow yourself to be treated like this. Google the boiling frog analogy for domestic abuse and consider already how your behaviours or tolerances have shifted. You are a queen, a warrior who has birthed and fed a baby and who needs to heal and bond and be able to grow in your new role as a mother. I can see why you might have anxiety. I suspect it’s mainly because of him.

mortified by you or your DH’s behaviour? This is one of those red flags that’s too easy to write off early on and then years down the line you realise it was a clear indication you should have dumped then and there.

Sadly OP, the more you have updated, the more I think he may in fact be a total dickhead and you will need to leave. You may well find that your “anxiety” magically disappears when you are no longer living with his bullshit day after day.

Seconding others who have said pack up and go to your mum’s. You can use the excuse of too many guests and him “needing” the bed to get out, and just say you’re going for a few nights - then stay as long as you need.

Don’t beat yourself up about the pram, shit happens. I often don’t fully shut my car boot it is heavy and needs a good thwack. Doesn’t the car indicate if any of the doors or boot are open on the dashboard? I can’t think of one I’ve had that doesn’t. In which case your partner should have taken more care.

I don't get it. It's a fancy premium ICandy pram that was a gift from my mum so I should be more upset than him but I really couldn't give a shit that it got a bit scratched. It still works perfectly fine and nobody was hurt. We have a "shit happens" attitude in my family and we'd have laughed it off and moved on pretty quickly.

So, I know logically it's not a major deal but he is making me feel like the scum of the earth. I bet he has been saying all sorts to his sister.

After it happened I was in the back of the car trying to apologise and diffuse things and I must've been visibly upset and they both just ignored me like I didn't exist

Please take everyone's advice - pack up and go stay with your mum. You and your baby deserve better than this. The more you post, the worse he sounds.

Can you see how he's conditioned you to drop the carefree attitude and self-blame?

You are repeatedly apologising and feeling bad for things you haven't even done wrong.

He's mentally breaking you down, OP.

Time to tell him to stop or buy yourself some breathing space by leaving for a while.

After it happened I was in the back of the car trying to apologise and diffuse things and I must've been visibly upset and they both just ignored me like I didn't exist

The sister is also vile. If I was her I would be going out of my way to be supportive of you and that would include telling my twat of a brother to stfu, and only speak in English in front of you too - as I would recognise how excluding it is. They speak fluent English but switch languages to deliberately make you feel on the outside.

Unless she is also afraid of him, she will know full well how appallingly you are being treated - and she is colluding in it too.

How bad is going to have to get before you go to your mum’s? He is being horrible to you, and has ruined this time which should be precious for you and which you will not get back. Don’t let him ruin more of it and go where you are loved and cared for. The man is clearly a cunt

Every update you post is alarming and very sad (for you @Aristocack ) but you don't seem to acknowledge that the vast majority of people on this thread are telling you he's an abusive man and you need to leave.

The sheer gall of the man who didn't pay a penny towards the pram......

I hope you manage to find a way out of this and if you need any practical advice then MN can be a very helpful place but it's very hard to read your updates and see such little acknowledgement about how awful this man is 😢 You just keep listing horrible incidents and examples whilst glossing over the fact almost every person responding to you, is telling you to take action now before it becomes even harder.

What language does he speak? Happy to translate any Dutch or Flemish. Tell him he's a hondelul (hon-duh-lull).

Sadly abuse often starts or ramps up during pregnancy and after birth.

My DH and I did a similar thing but the huge difference is that it was for my benefit, not my DH’s. If it’s confusing your baby or simply not helpful to you, your DH can either get earplugs or sleep on the sofa whilst you and baby sleep in the bedroom. I’d strongly suggest safe co-sleeping and breastfeeding lying down (game changer!).

@Aristocack this vile man will grind you into the ground if you let him, he's putting you down to make himself feel powerful.
He wants to feel as if he is the important one all the time, how dare they treat you like that, a new mother with a tiny baby, they should be reassuring you not ignoring you.
I'm appalled at them, I hope you can get shut of this pos man asap

Sleeping on the sofa at 2 weeks post partum and giving yourself a bad back. Damn it, that is really really bad. What a nasty selfish OAF.

You may well find that your “anxiety” magically disappears when you are no longer living with his bullshit day after day.

Yes, what @PestoPastaLife says here is very likely - instead of feeling anxious all the time, you'll feel calmer and more relaxed without him around and this will be better for your baby too.

Well the tell tale signs were there before you had a baby with him, over a trivial tea spillage, OP, so I wouldn't put his current behaviour down to stress and tiredness but down to him being an abusive wanker. And like many abusive wankers, they dial it up to 11 when their partners are vulnerable new mothers. No point sticking it out with such a man.

@Aristocack

I don't think you really realize exactly how much stress this is putting on you. And I think the only way you'll know that is to leave and get some peace.

At this point I don't know why you aren't busting to get out of the house. Are you worried about how he will react? Do you think he'll 'make a scene' or try to stop you taking baby?

Please quietly pack a bag for you and baby. Then call your mum and make arrangements for your relative to pick you up. Say nothing until they arrive then get your bag and just go. All you have to say is "'I'm a new mum and I need my mum right now".

Exactly! You shouldn't be lifting stuff if someone else is about. Whats wrong with him!

OP you have just had a first baby he should be looking after you not being critical. He should have lifted the pram into the boot especially after you mentioned some heavy bleeding in an earlier post. I have left my car boot open several times don't worry about that. Hopefully your guests will leave soon and hope you are not cooking for them! You need to see your HV at your local baby clinic or childrens centre and tell her everything. Take care

Pull them up on speaking in another language while you're there. Don't put up with it.

Please go and pack your bag. Leave tomorrow if easier?

You need to leave with your baby. Like right away. This is unhealthy to the point of scary. The man is an abusive cunt.

Please apply for a passport for your baby and keep it at your mum's. He sounds absolutely awful

OP we all keep saying the same thing. Why are you still there?

What’s the plan OP? Put up with all of it?

What do you mean why is she still there!? She's got a 3 week old baby and she's processing everything. You are expecting her to have left today?? Chill out, that's not supportive or helpful.