am I being unreasonable to offer to be a surrogate after failed IVF

[MiniMischiefMakers]

My bother and SIL have struggled with infertility for almost ten years and has come to the end of the road with IVF. After many failed transfers, they don't want to try again. They still have some high quality frozen embryos, and they've ruled out adoption. I'm in my mid thirties with a four year old and a seven month old, and I feel our family is complete. I conceived quickly both times and had healthy, uneventful pregnancies and births.

I'm seriously considering offering to be their surrogate. I understand pregnancy and birth always carry risks, but given my history I'm comfortable with them. My brother and SIL are a wonderful aunt and uncle and would make incredible parents. It would be purely altruistic, and I wouldn't want or expect any compensation. I’m a SAHM so it wouldn't affect my work. I just love them so much, I can see how much they’re hurting and want to do whatever I can to take it away. I also can’t help but feel that I’m effortlessly living their dream life and I feel some guilt over that (all on my end, they have never said or implied that at all, even when we announced our second pregnancy). It just feels so much joy could come from nine months of my life, they’d have their long awaited baby, I’d gain a niece or nephew, my children would have a cousin. It just feels right to me to offer.

I know they may well decline, having already been through so much. If I do offer, I want to be completely certain first so I'd love to hear from anyone who has been an altruistic surrogate, been born or had a baby through altruistic surrogacy, or has experience of it with family or friends.

Do you mean egg donation to your brother?

That would mean they'd need to use donor sperm. So the child wouldn't be genetically theirs.

I do think you should offer but you all need counciling to ensure your happy with it.

Add discuss the financial cost of doing it. The FET won't be free and nor will any drugs you need to make the FET work

She means if she was in the position where she had to use an egg donor to have her own child then people wouldn't be telling her she was likely to die (which I think is massively troll behaviour).

I’m assuming that if we went ahead we’d use their frozen embryos which would be my SIL’s eggs. I was using an analogy where if I’d posted asking if I should consider a subsequent pregnancy to have another child myself using a donor egg, there wouldn’t be responses saying that I should write goodbye letters to my children, though that’s essentially the same process as carrying a baby as a surrogate.

https://www.aph.gov.au/DocumentStore.ashx?id=6333fe75-9fed-4071-ac1a-767d3db7e5ee&subId=409028

I think if both you and your DH are in agreement it would be wonderful thing to offer, and incredibly kind of you. They may decline, or they may be secretly wishing they could ask but don’t feel able to.

As a person who has experiencing infertility (and now finally pregnant with a much wanted IVF baby) I would be delighted if I’d been in their situation and someone I was very close to had offered.

You genuinely think your SIL thinks you’re “living her dream life”? 😕

There would still be concerns about a child being born from a donor egg

Sure, along with considerations about the ethical nature of egg donation which I know is controversial. But people wouldn’t comment like the risk to the mother is like playing Russian roulette with her life
as they have here.

So after all this soul searching…. On AIBU…. What are you going to do @MiniMischiefMakers ?

A copy paste from an earlier post which you clearly missed…

I think I said in an earlier post, the first thing we’d do is find a therapist for my husband and I to work through our feelings fully before offering anything. Especially my husband hasn’t thought about it as deeply as I have. Then we’ll make a decision if it’s right for us.

Yes. For one thing a kidney is a literal life saver. A baby is not.

Having said that I realise there will probably be posters along in a minute saying they really really needed a baby, would have committed suicide if they couldn’t have one etc, but infertility is not the same as having no functioning kidneys. I say this as one who has experienced the former and never had a baby.

I'm sure some posters would highlight the risk of pregnancy with donated egg, especially as you already have children. But people are more likely to point out the risks as you are renting out your womb for someone else

So… found a therapist? Or just been mumsnetting?

I would have willingly had a baby for
my sister when she was struggling with fertility. After a lot of discussion and some hard hitting counselling sessions, they opted to adopt a sibling set instead. Retrospectively I’m glad there is no bio link between me and my adorable little nephew
and niece.

I’ve identified a therapist who does Zoom sessions and sent to DH to check he’s happy to go with her, or see if he wants to find someone else. I’ll get in touch next week if he’s happy. It’s not an emergency that needs to be dealt with urgently over the weekend. This isn’t going to be a live surrogacy thread either way. It was a way to gain a wider variety of perspectives. I’ve found that and it’s been helpful. Having read the thread so far being a surrogate is still something I’m open to. That may or may not change in therapy. If I still am, my brother and SIL may not wish to go down the surrogacy route.

Is this a therapist who specialises in surrogacy?

If so, be aware that they could be coming from a very pro place and subtly pushing you in that direction.

If they are not specialist, be aware that they could bring their own beliefs and prejudices to the table.

I have had therapy and so have my adopted daughters and I am astonished byhow biased they have all been, or at least projected their own stuff onto us. Be careful.

The fact you completely omitted to make a passing reference to your husband on your long and detailed OP speaks volumes to me about how seriously you take his view anyway

Still no thought about how the child might feel. Does the therapist offer therapy for the resultant child as well

Or he’s in agreement so wasn’t part of the dilemma. If he wasn’t then it wouldn’t be an option so I wouldn’t have posted. I actually thought I’d said he was onboard with the idea. I’m sure I said in another post that while he agree I don’t think he’s thought about it and all the implications as deeply as I have so he may well change his mind in therapy. If he does it will be off the table. I’m not sure why you’re nitpicking my posts and actions so much and assuming that I don’t care about my husband’s view.

But you “forgot” to even mention him. And very telling and odd you don’t think that speaks volumes really. He’s side note.

Anyway as said by others - I reckon they will thank you, decline and crack on. But please stop labouring under the idea you are leading your SIL’a “dream life”. This is simple arrogance

Would the fact that it is your brother’s bio child cause problems genetically? When would the child be told that its aunt was one who carried it? Would you have to BF to start with?

It might be easier or it might be harder seeing it all the time.

It is a nice thing to offer but you have to make sure you have considered whether it is in the best interest of any potential child.

I used to know someone who was born by surrogate in a similar situation and it got very complicated.

How would you feel if your SIL divorced your brother and moved miles away with the DC and you rarely got to see them?

Imagine if they had an an acrimonious divorce and you had to see the poor child being pushed from pillar to post… gawd the guilt I’d feel

They specialise in fertility generally. I think it would be impossible to find someone who is qualified to throughly assess all the aspects of surrogacy who isn’t in the fertility sphere. I don’t know what I don’t know about surrogacy and so a general relationship therapist probably wouldn’t help. I was reassured by the website which sounded like she was genuinely concerned with all the implications and how she doesn’t view counselling simply as a necessary precursor to surrogacy. If I get bad vibes in the meeting though I’ll have to find someone else.

Sounds as good as you could get - just stay aware of any biases on her part. I always thought that therapists would be unbiased, but then I started seeing therapists and I was astonished by how biased they were (on adoption, on me having given up work). In fact, adopters were reporting that CAMHS therapists were often making things worse (eg using first names for adoptive parents and calling birth parents the "real" parents) that the Gov decreed that anyone giving adoption therapy had to register with Ofsted as qualified to do it. I suspect thst surrogacy could bring up similarly strong reactions and could be upsetting to be on the receiving end of. But a fertility counselor should be experienced - just be aware.