You're not an Alcoholic!

[dogsaremybusiness]

I watched a documentary last night, and this woman was saying that alcoholism ran in their family (she was one), and she kind of blamed her Dad because he was an alcoholic too.

It transpired though, that her Dad enjoyed a drink between the ages of 21 and 29, and then he never touched another drop, for the following FIFTY years until his death.

However, he made money touring around and giving pep talks to alcoholics and recovering alcoholics.

AIBU to think that if you drank in your 20's (which most of us do) and then you are Tee total in your 30's, 40's, 50's 60's and 70's that you are NOT a fucking alcoholic, and maybe you just enjoyed making money by claiming that you were?

Really got my back up, as I am the DD of an alcoholic, and do really struggle to keep my own drinking under control.

Are you sure that wasn’t just because as an alcoholic, you gravitated towards those who were like you? Plenty of us drank in our 20s, and still might have a drink when we fancy it now, but we’re not alcoholics. We can take it or leave it and always could. There’s a big difference between getting pissed on a Saturday night and needing a drink every day.

I actually think everyone is at risk. You think it's all under control and then something very traumatic like a divorce happens and suddenly you're in the pub on a Monday lunchtime...

Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. The fact he hasn’t touched a drink since he was 29 suggests he can’t otherwise he’d started drinking again. Sounds like an alloying recovery to me. You can’t judge someone else’s experience like that OP.

You really don't seem to understand what an alcoholic is. An Aunt gave up in her thirties but still struggles with it every day 45 years later. Even when she goes on holiday she has to find an AA group to attend. It never leaves you. Don't judge everyone by your own experience.

Once an alcoholic,always an alcoholic.I am an alcoholic,despite the fact I haven’t had a drop of it for over 23 years.So I am fully qualified to give talks on it.
I know if I picked up a drink today,it wouldn’t e long before I was back in the horrible state I was in in 2003.

I didn't realise my husband was an alcoholic for a really long time, because it didn't seem out of control or all that often or that much unit wise. It was only when he had to give up drinking for a long course of antibiotics that I realised he had physical withdrawal symptoms and that there was a dependence there because he kept relapsing even though it made him feel ill when he did.

Anyway he is sober now but alcohol never stops being on his mind. He's realised it's not something he can drink casually like other people and he has to keep working on it. Being a sober alcoholic is being in control of an addiction you once weren't in control of. It doesn't go away mentally.

And I kind of get it. As a former smoker and former vaper I will always be weak to nicotine. If I lapse I will lapse for months. It doesn't matter how long I have been quit, my brain remembers and I slip back into being a nicotine addict again like it's a comfy pair of slippers.

Edited to add- the genetic thing is absolutely a factor also. Relatives in my husband's family have died from alcohol related illness. I am a bit worried for my kids once they are old enough to try alcohol in case they go the same way.

Sorry OP but you don't get to gatekeep or decide if other people's lived experience meets your definition of an alcoholic.

I’m with the OP on this- although I do know the mantra that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic - my view is I smoke, if I stop and don’t start again then as far as I’m concerned unless I start again I’m an ex smoker, I’m not a smoker - I would prefer the term ex alcoholic- I think that’s more honest , especially when making money from your ex habit.,

What counts as an alcoholic depends on your own definition.

I never drink until late afternoon but then have a couple beers, a G&T and possibly wine most nights.

Drinking doesn't, and barring the odd hangover never has, affected what I do but strictly speaking I probably fit the definition of a functioning alcoholic.

Once recognised as an alcoholic I think you're always 'recovering' even if you've been on the wagon for decades.

Assume that's where @dogsaremybusiness's father fits.

In my twenties my then girlfriend chided me for my drinking. "But I don't drink any more than my contemporaries" I complained. She replied "You don't drink any more than your friends".

People that attend AA are addicts (alcoholics). So are people that attend GA etc.

Many of them have not drunk or gambled for a loooong time. But they spend time every week keeping their addiction under control and actively doing things to do so, having experienced the devastating effects of relapse.

So yes, sounds like he was an alcoholic. He just learned to manage his addiction. AA sponsors for example, which sounds like the type of role this gentleman occupied, would often be people that have really succeeded in controlling their addiction, and in a position to coach others to do the same.

Many alcoholics I know do not drink at all for above reasons. Most people that I know that do drink regularly are not alchoholics - you can drink without being addicted. Alcoholics usually cannot drink at all as it's an addiction issue for them.

After 50 years it's pretty safe to say recovered...

We don't say someone is a recovering smoker fifty years after their last cigarette.

But if your son never touches another drop, would you be happy if at age 76 he makes his whole life about being an alcoholic? Seems a waste to me. Just know you've conquered it and move on surely.

I agree that an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life. Lots of alcoholics hide behind 'enjoying a drink', especially at ages where it's socially acceptable. That doesn't mean some of those young people who are out boozing it up don't have deeper issues with alcohol.

Perhaps doing what he does now focuses him on keeping sober?

Yeah, I think that's why it did press my buttons!

I'm okay with water if I don't drink. Once I am passed the 7pm witching hour I'm fine. I just need to get more resolve and make it more days per week! It doesn't help that my DH drinks wine when he's off work.

The idea of 'conquering it' is a problem. Someone successfully living with an alcohol problem would never be so naive or perhaps arrogant to believe they've conquered it.

When you're an alcoholic, you can't just "conquer it and move on". You're an alcoholic for life. It's a life-long illness.

Exactly, my husband is teetotal because he doesn´t like alcohol in general, he could just about drink a small beer but thinks spirits and wine are disgusting. The person the op is referring to isn´t like my husband, he has to abstain because he can´t control his drinking when he drinks. I.E. he is an alcoholic.

When I was leaving my ExH, we had to live in the same house for about 6 months. I would sit in a different room downstairs. After the kids were asleep he would seek me out and pick fights, and I think I started to drink wine to cope with that. I got into the habit of drinking one bottle every night. Then, when I left him and moved out, I just carried on, as it had become a habit by then, almost like a reward for getting through the day.....

I’m the child of two alcoholics who died from related causes when I was in my 20s. I wasn’t a daily drinker but gave up about 3 years ago. I think this woman is looking for someone or something to blame because she doesn’t feel she can take control herself. I would say her dad is a recovering/recovered alcoholic, but it sounds like it’s a stretch for her to blame him if she didn’t witness him drinking and he actually provided support to alcoholics.
From the therapy and reading I’ve done, alcoholics often don’t have the skills needed to deal with their emotions (which is why they drink) and so their kids often lack these skills too because the parent can’t teach them. Perhaps this is what happened to her.

Wishing you well on your journey. I feel I could quite easily have become an alcoholic in slightly different circumstances. I had an alcoholic step parent, who went to rehab at age 60 and is now a few years sober. He is doing so well now and actually an inspiration since I really feared for his life

But in your documentary example, the person is not making their whole life about being an alcoholic. They are making their life about helping others to overcome their addiction by giving talks to people who are currently struggling to do so.
We have volunteers in our clinical service who come to give talks to people about their recovery from a chronic and debilitating health disease. They are giving back to the community and providing a lot of comfort and hope for our patients which is far beyond what we can do as clinicians. They are hugely valued for what they do and it would never occur to me to think that they are making it all about their condition. Quite the opposite, actually.

Would you not see any value in highlighting the harm of alcoholism to others, and coaching them in how to exit life in alcoholism? If you have experienced it personally and can fully level with the addict, the low point that they find themselves in and how to climb out of the hole, surely that is a huge benefit to society as a whole?

People tend to get involved in causes they are passionate about, e.g. people that have experienced domestic violence tend to work/volunteer in that area, people that changed their life through sports get involved in sports, people that went to prison and reformed may want to help other ex prisoners turn their life around etc.

Many people need a cause to find meaning in their life. If they feel passionate and can offer up their valuable experience over many years and can set a postive example as to how they turned their life around, what is so negative about that?

I think that Americans have a different idea to us as to what alcoholism is.

This is really interesting! Yes, ex smokers never call themselves smokers do they? And yet if an ex smoker had a cigarette, chances are they could start smoking heavily again! How interesting that we treat these 2 things differently.

I would love to cut my drinking down to twice a week. If I manage that for even a year, I think by then I would describe myself as an ex alcoholic who now drinks moderately.

I've attended AA meetings in the UK, France & the USA. Alcoholics are the same the world over.