You're not an Alcoholic!

[dogsaremybusiness]

I watched a documentary last night, and this woman was saying that alcoholism ran in their family (she was one), and she kind of blamed her Dad because he was an alcoholic too.

It transpired though, that her Dad enjoyed a drink between the ages of 21 and 29, and then he never touched another drop, for the following FIFTY years until his death.

However, he made money touring around and giving pep talks to alcoholics and recovering alcoholics.

AIBU to think that if you drank in your 20's (which most of us do) and then you are Tee total in your 30's, 40's, 50's 60's and 70's that you are NOT a fucking alcoholic, and maybe you just enjoyed making money by claiming that you were?

Really got my back up, as I am the DD of an alcoholic, and do really struggle to keep my own drinking under control.

I think if you have a dependency on alcohol, you’re an alcoholic. If you cannot drink without it becoming a tussle of guilt / wanting more, you’re an alcoholic. I don’t think it matters whether that lasts 2 years or 50. You’re still an alcoholic and not in full control of your relationship with alcohol unless you drink zero.

@dogsaremybusiness Do you realise that you are saying that people cannot have a problem with alcohol unless it matches your experience?

OP your post mirrors my story .
I was 14 when I started drinking, just teenage stuff. Not at home as my parents didn't drink.
My mother died when I was 38 and I took to drinking daily to cope with caring for a baby and toddler plus my bereft father. He lived with us and initially it was huge pressure to ensure he kept well. I developed a lifelong illness post partum and it took my career from me.
We made a seriously poor financial decision in the early noughties and it ruined our life for over a decade. I drank more. I sought out like minded heavy drinkers. Party time every weekend, it started on a Friday latest!
I managed a sober streak and went back to work and I loved it. But sadly at 50+ I met many sexist, ageist bullies. I had to leave a few extremely well paid jobs because I couldn't cope with the toxicity. If I hadn't been drinking I would have handled it better. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

How did I stop? I looked in the mirror and thought 'why are you doing this? Who are you trying to hurt?' sadly it was my self harm for a shitty childhood. 27% of alcoholics have experienced CSA.
I was 7 stone overweight, had embarrassed myself many times and looked like sh*t.
I had a career I had grown to hate but many would love but it came at a cost.
Four and a half years ago I gave up drinking.
A month later I went on a diet.
People don't recognize me. I'm over six stone lighter and most days I like myself.
I avoid boozy events because I'm not a born again teetotal person. We're all different but I do believe alcohol depency is an addiction and I can quite easily swap it for shopping!
It's it genetic? hum. I've got a very heavy drinking family but my nieces, nephews and DC don't bother. It's going out of fashion.
If anyone reading this needs a bit of support there is a very active thread over on the alcohol board .

100%

Yabu because you’re assuming that it was like an off switch and easy.

He might have regularly thought about drinking and he may have been left with the aftermath of his actions while drunk.

I know someone in her 60s who hasn’t had a drink
in 30 years. The last time she got drunk she tried to set fire to her house while her children watched. I think they she can talk about alcoholism.

You are utterly wrong. There are alcoholic teenagers who go into rehab. Some alcoholics drink alcoholically from their first drink. With other alcoholics it can take years of progressively worse drinking to manifest.

We call it alcohol bingo!

How do you know it was "a few years of heavy drinking" though? Just because he was in his 20s? The fact he's now teetotal (rather than most former heavy drinkers, who can happily have a pint in the pub after a Sunday walk, or a glass of bubbly at Christmas without "falling off the wagon" means it was probably more than just social binge drinking. People in their 20s can absolutely be alcoholics. A friend of mine in my 20s would walk to the shop in the pouring rain at 10am for a bottle of wine because he was that desperate - that was alcoholism just as serious as if he'd been 45 instead of 25. A friend of my parents' first became an alcoholic in her 20s, and ended up dying from it in her 40s.
And you know what, I think this is part of the problem. Alcoholics (or people on their way to becoming alcoholics) in their 20s brush it off, telling themselves their drinking is normal, because "everyone else is doing it". But actually, most of their friends stop when they get home for the night. Most of their friends can easily go without booze for a couple of weeks without drinking if circumstances require it. Actually, most 20-somethings aren't drinking every single day, even the social binge drinkers.

What am i wrong about? I said this bloke should not have been making money touring and giving pep talks from his very limited experience 50yrs ago.

I don't doubt there are alcoholic teenagers in rehab. Did you quote me by mistake?

That doesn’t mean his alcoholism didn’t affect her life, it was just different to your experience.

my FIL was an alcoholic. He went teetotal at 29 after being very very very unwell.

It still impacted DH and BIL. Especially when FIL was struggling not to relapse. It affected their lives daily.

Just because her Dad was physically sober doesn’t mean there was no issues from his drink problem.

I loathe the expression 'in recovery'. As pp have said no one says ex smokers are in recovery.
The only people recovering are family and friends. Ex drinkers are just abstaining.

But why do you think he had "very limited experience"? He said he was an alcoholic for 8-9 years. What evidence do you have that he wasn't?

(The OP thinks he wasn't, because she thinks "all 20-somethings drink heavily", but since she also has an alcohol problem, her perspective is distorted and, like most alcoholics in denial, she finds it hard to see that there is a massive difference between a heavy social drinker and an alcoholic. But there is one, and 20 somethings absolutely can be full-blown alcoholics.)

I haven't touched alcohol for many many years. Because it's been a massive problem in my life, from every angle.
I was a functioning alcoholic until into my 30s.
I still have cravings.
I don't think someone who doesn't know me, can tell me differently about my life experiences.
Why are judging this man for helping people beat their addiction?
Alcohol is a legal and highly destructive drug in our communities.
I applaud any person bringing awareness and support

No. I quoted you correctly but evidently you don’t like being contradicted. I’ve met many alcoholics who stopped drinking after only a handful of years. I only wish that I could have been the same instead of drinking recklessly for over 40 years. As an alcoholic myself who has met many other alcoholics I’m in a good position to say that someone who gave up drinking 50 years previously can be still very effective giving “ pep talks” & being a very positive role model.

It’s because he’s an alcoholic he hasn’t touched it. For a lot of alcoholics, it’s a single drop and you can’t stop. There are different of alcoholics, depending on how it affects the individual.
The person was able to control themselves to avoid consumption. It’s not something that necessarily gets easier with time.
That fact you struggle doesn’t override another person’s experience and it certainly doesn’t make you an expert on someone else’s life.

There is a very famous actor who has just managed 50 years of sobriety, one day at a time he says.

'But why do you think he had "very limited experience"? He said he was an alcoholic for 8-9 years. What evidence do you have that he wasn't'

It was for a few years 50yrs ago! Yes some things don't change <like alcoholics drink too much and destroy their health obviously> however guidance and advice change. It'd be like someone who had a hip replacement 50yrs ago giving tips to someone having one today. Their experience would be totally irrelevant.

Also the danger for the recovering alcoholic is just what the OP describes 'if I can manage not to drink for a whole year, I've conquered it' I know many people who have thought just that after a few years and then thinking they can drink 'normally' my mum being one of them.

For an alcoholic it takes them straight back from where they left off, not to a 'normal' drinking phase unfortunately.

YABVU. He’s successfully remained sober for 50 years. I’d say not touching a drop is a clear sign that he <is> an alcoholic, not that he isn’t.

I’m like you with the wine! I’m not bothered about drinking through the week, but on a weekend (though not every weekend) if I have a wine then as you say, 99% of the time I will drink it all. For me it’s over about 3 hours and I won’t be really drunk though definitely ‘relaxed’ and tipsy. If there is anything in the fridge then I’m known to start on that too. On a night out or drinking with friends in a restaurant/bar I’m pretty good at knowing my limit and I rarely go over it.

I don’t consider myself an alcoholic and I can absolutely only have a few when out but at home I can go overboard on occasion when I should have stopped after the last glass.

I got sober when I was 24 (now 49) and would absolutely class myself as an alcoholic. I was drinking from the age of 12 and had liver damage when I stopped.

I still have to work at my sobriety even now and it will never leave me completely.

This thread has really made me think!

I stopped drinking through treatment at an NHS Alcoholic Treatment Unit aged 26, 38 years ago now. I haven't had a drink since, and I still very much identify as a sober alcoholic.

I was a total emotional mess when I stopped, and felt my life was over and I would never enjoy anything again. I did an inpatient treatment programme followed by support groups, firstly at the treatment centre, then AA, for about 15 years.

I stopped going to groups when I had achieved a degree of stability in my life, was working with young children and just didn't have the time or inclination to keep going to meetings.

Not drinking is embedded in my life now, but it is still sometimes hard. I can cope with drinking situations, but I do sometimes get blindsided by a feeling that it would be so good to be able to relax with a drink. I am a massive overthinker, and I miss being able to just turn my brain off with a drink.

I had a brother who drank like me, was offered NHS support, couldn't accept it and died of alcoholism in his early 40s. My mum found him dead on the sofa with a bottle. Her cousin had died the same way decades before. I do believe there is a genetic component.

I don't talk about it much other than to explain, if pushed, why I'm not drinking. This thread did make me wonder if my friends think I'm some kind of sham. But it really doesn't matter, does it? I know what I am, I know the risk of having a single drink, and I have built a pretty fabulous life without drink in it.

I'm a little sceptical of the making money thing as I have never heard of people being paid to tell their alcoholism story. But the 12th step of AA is to carry the message to other alcoholics, so a lot of very sober people do share their story to inspire and support others. And some do go on to work in the field counselling and supporting people in early recovery, could that be what he did?

OP, I think this may actually be the first step in you admitting you have a problem with alcohol. I hope you find some answers. There is life beyond drink if we are brave enough to look for it.

He may not have been an alcoholic. There's a world of difference between being an alcoholic and just a heavy drinker. If he DID have alcoholism, then he will always be an alcoholic, even if he never drinks another drop. It's a permanent condition.

It's called loading. You drink before you go out or when you've masked all evening. Often people go to the shop on the way home after a sober or moderate night.

The real problem is, that many people believe they are alcoholics when they aren’t.

Some people outgrow drinking and no longer like the effects it has, some people have problematic behaviour when drinking and some people have problematic drinking.

That’s not the same as being an alcoholic, when the body is dependent on alcohol and is causing huge damage to your organs. That coming off alcohol HAS to be done under medical supervision because of the risk of death. Most alcoholics do not recover, of the few that do, they are left with catastrophic damage to their bodies and will still struggle.

It’s the Americanisation of our thoughts on alcohol and what is an alcoholic, that’s changed. You’ll hear no end of American podcasters talk about how they were alcoholics. They weren’t. For their own reasons ,they wanted to end their relationship with alcohol which is fine but that’s not a person whose body was actually dependent on alcohol. When you do hear alcoholics talking about having to drink neat vodka during the night just to stop waking from the shakes, you realise what hell it must be to be an alcoholic.

The AA, which is a Christian organisation, need people to keep coming and spread to word. So the idea of what an alcoholic is has been expanded to the point where many people believe it now means ….well anything they want it to be.