You're not an Alcoholic!

[dogsaremybusiness]

I watched a documentary last night, and this woman was saying that alcoholism ran in their family (she was one), and she kind of blamed her Dad because he was an alcoholic too.

It transpired though, that her Dad enjoyed a drink between the ages of 21 and 29, and then he never touched another drop, for the following FIFTY years until his death.

However, he made money touring around and giving pep talks to alcoholics and recovering alcoholics.

AIBU to think that if you drank in your 20's (which most of us do) and then you are Tee total in your 30's, 40's, 50's 60's and 70's that you are NOT a fucking alcoholic, and maybe you just enjoyed making money by claiming that you were?

Really got my back up, as I am the DD of an alcoholic, and do really struggle to keep my own drinking under control.

I agree with whoever said the term alcoholic is being phased out. Most experts agree it's unhelpful. There are degrees of problematic drinking, it's not a binary thing where you either are or you aren't. It's also something the individual has control over, although for many it's obviously extremely difficult.

Sadly you're wrong. I drink 2 bottles of wine every night. I am trying to stop. I didn't have any last night or the night before. I have had about 10 dry nights THIS YEAR.

I think there is a difference

blaming her dad because she was genetically predisposed to becoming an alcoholic.

blaming her dad because she witnessed the alcohol abuse, and then become an alcoholic because that was the norm.

as you say she wasn’t there to witness it, it’s probably the first. What was the documentary?

To be fair people use all sorts on things as a grift, it's not hard to believe that someone would use pretending to be a recovered alcoholic.

But what's that got to do with anything? Are you saying your father was more alcoholic than hers? Don't turn it into some silly competition. The difference is that her father tried to do something to help others. That doesn't mean that either of them were/are not alcoholics.

Many years ago I attended a talk by 3 people from the AA. They made it quite clear they were all alcoholics and would be for life despite all 3 of them not drinking alcohol for years.

Once you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic for life because just 1 small drink could send you straight back to step 1.

Another daughter of an alcoholic here. And OP yes, if the man in the documentary struggled with his drinking in his 20s and then stopped, he was a recovering alcoholic. I have always been a bit paranoid about my own drinking.

The only difference between these two alcoholic men is that one was still drinking and one had stopped.

I know which one I would want to take advice from, so why shouldn’t they be in a counselling position?

I think you’re confused, going out on the piss is very different to needing a drink. Alcoholics need it, crave it, and I don’t beleive everyone you knew in your 20s needed and craved alcohol,

I don’t think that witnessing an alcoholic parent makes you an alcoholic. You don’t drink because you saw your dad drinking. You are genetically predisposed to alcoholism. My DM is an alcoholic. I am teetotal. My DD is an alcoholic despite never having witnessed anyone in active addiction.

I think your understanding of what an alcoholic is is skewed. You say EVERYONE was an alcoholic in your 20s. Of course they weren’t. Non-alcoholics can drink heavily, but the difference is that they can easily stop. They’re not spending every sober moment planning the next drink, and they’re not having DTs if they go a day without drinking.

Blaming others is futile. Should my DD blame me for giving her the alcoholic gene even though I’ve never been a drinker?

No, that's not correct. Being an alcoholic is about your relationship with alcohol, not how much you are drinking at any given point in your life. An alcoholic knows that, however long they might have abstained, if they have a drink they won't be able to stop at a sensible and healthy amount. An alcoholic who is successfully abstaining is a 'recovering alcoholic'.

I am an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for two years, but I still live in fear that, one day, I will be tempted beyond what I can resist and start drinking again, even though I am 100% aware that my life is better without alcohol in it. I was a functioning alcoholic, a binge drinker rather than an everyday drinker, but I do not have an off switch where alcohol is concerned and that is what makes me an alcoholic.

You can struggle with drink and drinking without being perpetually drunk though, can't you? If you only drink a small amount of wine a day but you spend the whole day thinking about that wine and you believe you can't spend a pleasant and relaxed evening without that wine and your behaviour changes if you can't have that wine - you are struggling with alcohol.

I knew my late MIL for 23 years and she never touched a drop in all that time but before I knew her she was a chronic alcoholic, DH had a terrible time growing up. She had a near death experience just before we met and really turned her life around.

For those asking it's called Murder on Middle Beach. Fascinating documentary and it's not about the alcoholism at all, it's about a woman who is murdered and her son grows up and does his own investigation and films it.

Ex alcohol dependent here.

Most support groups don't use the term alcoholic anymore. I used to when I gave up the booze four years ago.
Do I spend all day thinking about it? No. Do I miss it? yes. Would I go back to the grog and ruin the rebuilt relationships? No.

I've met many people who gave up and never relapsed. It took many attempts to get where I am today.
So the question is are you an alcoholic if you've not drank for decades? I'd say it never leaves you. Just my opinion and experience.

Agree with this. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family and I am very careful with my own tendencies because of that. I’ve never had periods of excessive drinking (except some student binges), but I do have a tendency to think about drinking as a way of ‘relaxing’ when I’m stressed or upset and, as a result, I try to avoid alcohol in those situations.

I can see how someone who drank excessively for almost a decade may find staying away from alcohol to be a lifelong struggle.

She absolutely has.
You can't decide for her if she's an alcoholic.

Yeah, I get what you mean, and this is where I am, I think. I had 2 AF days last week and 2 this week, and I am proud of myself, but I should not be having the heeve ho battle all the time. My DH is a smoker - only has about 3 a day - but I never think about smoking, I never think "will I smoke tonight?" because it's simply not on my radar as a non smoker.

Yes, but if every time you go out on the piss you end up embarrassing yourself, throwing up or blacking out that is problematic drinking, even if you never touch it otherwise.

Everyone I knew drank a lot in our twenties. Not everyone was an alcoholic - but I know a handful who definitely were and gave up by 30. The difference is how they were thinking about alcohol, whether they're drinking outside of the nights out you have, whether they're doing it because everyone is and it's social or because they can't socialise otherwise, etc. You've got no idea what his relationship to alcohol was like but the fact that he felt it necessary to stop and never touch it again gives you a clue, surely?

I get that it's a sensitive subject for you, but you don't know a thing about this man's alcohol use. It's entirely possible to be an actual alcoholic in your twenties far beyond what the normal young person binge drinking culture is. And of course, there's a strong genetic link with addiction. So her claim makes sense to me. But it's not worth getting yourself annoyed about - it's not a competition, there's no sense comparing.

I guess I would agree with that if I quit now. I'm 57, and have been drinking all my life, initially socially, but it took hold when I was 38 and going through a divorce. If I quit now, I could see myself saying I was an alcoholic. But 50 years sober....dunno feels different, he drank for 8 years FIFTY years ago - what a shame to identify as that for all that time later - but I'm happy to stand corrected.

No they weren't. Having a drink or getting drunk does not mean you are an alcoholic.

Well done for those 2 nights, it's a tough habit to break . I hope you can continue or at least cut down significantly. I had a friend who was an alcoholic at 17 and had to leave school to enter a rehab program. I think even though she's in her 40s now with a fantastic job and family she's still an alcoholic, just recovered. I don't believe it would affect her offspring though . It's a stretch to blame alcoholism on a parent who hasn't drank for that length and is in recovery for her whole lifetime.

My son is an alcoholic!! And he is 26 he has been sober 4 months so if he never touches another drop he isn't really an alcoholic is that what your saying ???
Obviously you are not recovered yet ?.or not going to AA groups or stopped drinking
When someone is an alcoholic they can't drink that's the whole point !

I can absolutely see why this pushed your buttons.nhis family were not remotely harmed by his earlier alcoholism, and it makes you sad for the life you could have had. Maybe use that story as a confidence boost instead? Try Corona zero, it tastes great! There are also some nice alcohol free gins that are a good start. Maybe swap just a few drinks for alcohol free initially so that it doesn't feel so final. And work on more from there. Good luck, find the joy in your life!