AIBU to think they are encouraging DD4 to call stepmum Mummy?

[Expell]

dd4 has always lived 50/50 with me and her dad since birth. We had a fling and he left when I was pregnant. No hard feelings and we both parent amicably. He’s married and I am in a long term relationship.

dd4 has started calling his wife “mummy Emma” (not real name). I’ve spoken to dd4 dad and said it’s not acceptable and to not encourage it. He’s said he will correct her when she says it but they haven’t told her to say it. When I asked dd4 who told her to say it she said no one.

I’ve text dd dad’s wife and told her it’s upset me. Her reply was nice and she said she understood it would hurt and that she always says I’m her mummy, she’s just Emma.

aibu to think they’re encouraging her to say this and thah no 4 year old would say it on her own,

When I nannied I had a little lad aged about 2yo who called me by my name at home, but when out I was always mama. Never thought he was thinking I really was mummy, we joked it was a job description.

If they'd encouraged it I would expect just Mummy, not Mummy Emma. Sounds far more likely she's come up with it herself.

I think it's very likely DD has come up with this herself. Mummy Emma suggests she's taken the name they use and added mummy to it. Presumably all or the vast majority of the family units she has seen have a mummy in them. Can you open your heart to see this as a sweet thing for your child to do rather than attacking your identity as her mum.

Yeah this, my son was four when I found out he’d been calling my partner Daddy Dave when talking to other people, I only found out when school asked why they didn’t have his other dads phone number etc on their MIS.

i can completely understand this making you feel uncomfortable or upset. But it is very likely your daughter has come up with this by herself. I work with children and I am always being called ‘mum’. I can fully see
how a young child would naturally start to call a female care giver ‘mummy x’ . This may well upset you, but does that mean she has to stop?

I doubt op would be messaging Emma if that was the case or that it would be amicable. He’s likely become married since they split 4 years ago.

Everyone told you she was not told to say it, including your daughter. Where is this assumption coming from then?
My aunt got married when her bouts were 4 and 6. The youngest started calling her new husband "dad" with absolutely no encouragement from anyone at all. 30 years later, his son is calling him grandad. Also with no encouragement from anyone.

You think your kid is lying? She clearly is very young and feels Emma is her mummy as she parents with your ex 50 percent of the time. Please don’t make this about your hurty feelings and do what’s right for your child.

Unfortunately you cannot dictate how your child feels about her stepmother. She's obviously an important maternal figure in her life. Part of not being with your co-parent is accepting that they will still have partners and those people will be part of your child's life.

It's a downside to not sustaining a healthy, happy romantic relationship with your chosen co-parent.

All 3 of them have confirmed they haven't told her to say it. Stop trying to ruin a good set up based on something you've made up in your head.

If Emma does things like the school run, then it's entirely possible that other children refer to her as "your mummy" - probably parents too. It sounds like your daughter is quite clear that you are the real mummy, so I wouldn't worry about it.

This. Placing people in their woeld is hard for small children. If she doesn't know about where babies come from yet the concept of bioparent won't mean anything. Sounds like she understands you are more important than Emma but won't understand why. It will fall into place as she gets older. Do you talk to her about her life story to help her understand who is who? I'm presuming there are other adults from Emma and your partners family around as well as yours and your husbands.

It’s up to the DC what term they use. It’s actually really lovely that your DC has this quality of relationship with a non-blood parent. Too few children in blender families have that. Try to find the huge positives for your child instead of internalising it as threat.

Ok thanks everyone, I realised it’s unreasonable for me to tell her not to. Even though im hurt I hear what people are saying

I can imagine it is really hurtful and I did have one of my exHs ex girlfriends try to tell my now 19yr old at 3yrs to call her mummy.....it didn't last long and my DD can't even remember her now.

I think that if she has been with your ex 50/50 since birth, she possibly sees Emma as another Mum in her life from what she understands of there always being a mother like figure in her homes. But she still calls her by her first name too so she clearly knows the difference between you and her.

My DD started calling my partner Daddy at about that age, totally her own thing. We gently corrected her and she quickly went back to calling him by his first name, so I think kids can do these things on their own. That said, I’d be unhappy in your shoes but sounds like they’re doing these things right thing

My dd started calling my partner daddy at 9 totally unprompted. She did it a few times ‘by accident’ until we told her it was fine. (We’d been together since she just turned 4)

her real dad is useless and she calls him the spare!

Perhaps she sees mummy” as job title as well as name?

@Cherrycoko

Forgiving of what?

The fact that her husband had an affair with OP and is willing to help raise this kid. I would be throwing my husband out on his ear and also taking him to the cleaners.

I think your dd could easily have come up with this on her own.

Well done OP.

This won’t last forward. Your kid is so little still.
When I was 6 I went away with my friend and her grandad and his partner. Friend’s mum called them Dad and Mona. I went back to school saying I had spent Easter with Dad and Mona.
Mum got called in to ask if my dad had made contact - she was a single mum. Haha nope, just childish chatter.

Where are you getting this affair from?

@Cherrycoko

I think you are misreading the OP's post.

She did not say that her ex was married at the time they had their fling.

All she said was that they had a fling, broke up and that her ex is now married.

You are assuming that their fling took place whilst he was married to this woman, but nothing the OP said suggests that this was the case.

It's much more likely that her ex was single at the time they had the fling and has subsequently got married.

You chose to have a baby with a fling
You share 50/50
She has 2 mums. Both are just as important in her development. It is actually sad she can't see your DP as also her dad.