AIBU to think they are encouraging DD4 to call stepmum Mummy?

[Expell]

dd4 has always lived 50/50 with me and her dad since birth. We had a fling and he left when I was pregnant. No hard feelings and we both parent amicably. He’s married and I am in a long term relationship.

dd4 has started calling his wife “mummy Emma” (not real name). I’ve spoken to dd4 dad and said it’s not acceptable and to not encourage it. He’s said he will correct her when she says it but they haven’t told her to say it. When I asked dd4 who told her to say it she said no one.

I’ve text dd dad’s wife and told her it’s upset me. Her reply was nice and she said she understood it would hurt and that she always says I’m her mummy, she’s just Emma.

aibu to think they’re encouraging her to say this and thah no 4 year old would say it on her own,

Also to add, she never calls my partner daddy. It’s just nothing she would do?

You parent amiably.
Your ex isn't making her
His partner isn't making her.

You are mummy and she is mummy Emma. Honestly not sure why this is something your are making a deal about.

I would be hurt by this too. Kids at that age say loads of weird stuff though so it is possible that shes picked it up on her own. My 4 year old was saying his 9 year old brother was his father the other day.

It sounds like you all have a good relationship and anyone with a heart would know not to encourage your daughter to call another woman mam.

It's entirely possibly at age 4 she has come up with this on her own. Especially since she said as much and dad and step mum confirmed this.

Forbidding a child to call her mummy Emma is prioritising your insecurities over her emotional wellbeing and security. Yes, I'm sure it's absolutely fucking heartbreaking, but unless there is a massive backstory you've not shared, isn't the most important thing your child? Focus on the fact she has all these adults on her life and her step mum makes her feel safe enough to call her mummy Emma.

If they have said they aren't encouraging it and your kid is saying no one told her to say it then shes obviously just doing it because she sees her in a similar caregiving role and is making sense of the relationship. I wouldnt be bothered by it at all if I were you and she should be able to call her stepmum what she likes and your partner daddy name or whatever in time if she wants too.

Why do you think they have encouraged it?
They had said they havent and dd has said they havent.
It takes a village. If she is there 50% of the time does she not see emma as a mother figure when you are not there. Is that not good? I would tell her not to and get why you dont like it but dont think its worth your heaadspace after that.
Plus you will never know for 100% anyways so assume the best not the worst for your own sake as well as their and dd

You had a child in this circumstance this child has to be raised in a blended family since birth deliberately they have to navigate this as best they can

You have no right to control this

Do Dad and Stepmum have a child/children between them? Is it possible she is saying Mummy Emma because she has siblings that call StepMum, Mummy?

When my sister was with her partner, who had a child from a previous relationship, that child copied what my kids called her. My children obviously called my sister Auntie Emily for example. The partners child went through a phase of trying to call her Auntie Emily too - we use to spend a lot of time together with the kids. No matter how much we corrected the child and explained my sister wasn’t Auntie to her she wouldn’t have it.

It sounds like this is something she has decided by herself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to call her stepmum Mummy Emma. That's actually really lovely, and you should be thankful that she feels that way about her stepmum, when so many children struggle to get along with stepparents.

Why are your insecurities more important than your daughter's choices?

It's nothing to do with you what she calls her, absolutely none of your business.

You had a fling and brought a child into this situation. The most important person here is your DD. If she had come up with this name let her use it. She knows you are mummy

aibu to think they’re encouraging her to say this and thah no 4 year old would say it on her own,

Yes. YABU. There is absolutely nothing to suggest your theory is true.

I think you're over reacting. You have a positive relation and it doesn't seem like anyone is encouraging it. I imagine it's just a 4yo trying to make sense of her family, and seeing every tv show and book with a "mum and dad together" family.

So your contribution is…? OP should go back in time and not have had her child? If she was going to do so wrong by her from the start?

There’s more than one way to be a family, and there are worse fates than being a blended one.

I see why OP is upset by it but I’m not convinced anyone is encouraging it. Some gentle discussion around it from all sides will probably fade it out in time.

Fling with a married man.

YANBU to be upset by the use of 'mummy' for another woman who has no biological or legal ties to your DD, isn't her mum, and who would disappear from her life entirely if your ex and Emma split up.

YABU to think it must be being encouraged by them – it could be coming entirely from your DD.

I'd expect them to gently discourage it; your DD can have a close and positive relationship with Emma without calling her 'mummy'.

The OP didn’t say that he was married at the time of the fling.

I think that Emma is probably taking quite an active role in parenting your DD because she is a woman and the dad probably defaults to her for a lot of things, let’s face it. So your DD probably does see her as more of a mummy than she sees your partner as a daddy, if that makes sense? Emma is probably doing as much for your DD as you.

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want your DD to call her mummy but I don't think there is anything to suggest thay they encourage it.
I am a stepmum and I used to overhear my stepson refer to me as his mum to other people. He was 5 at the time and had regular contact with his mum. He 100% didn't see me as his actual mum and nobody ever suggested he call me that, I think that to him it just made sense that that was the role that I was filling in that moment. He is now 10 and whilst we have a good relationship, he definitely does not see me as his mum but his stepmum.
I wouldnt make too big a deal out of it. Why not suggest she gives Emma her own special stepmum nickname to call her instead of mummy?

Maybe she is traditional and if you get married to your partner she will start calling him ‘Daddy firstname’?

I separated from my ex husband when our child was 15 months old.

We both moved on. There was a span of time where our child was saying “Mummy Emma”, I mentioned it to my ex husband who said it wasn’t under encouragement from him or his new partner.

We all did correct it (very gently), ultimately I think it can just be a young child making sense of the relationships in their life.

😁

I used to foster and sometimes the children called me Mummy. This concerned me as it wasn’t true and I can assure you I did NOT encourage this.
i raised it during a training session and it was pointed out that young children often call women Mummy as this is a word they link with women. It happens a lot, to women in care giving roles and I understand why you are upset.
Based on the above I hope I have reassured you that Emma is very like NOT encouraging this and probably feels very uncomfortable.
can you make a family poster for her with pictures of people in her life and either their names or role underneath and go through it daily to help reinforce?

Does Emma do a lot of the parenting when DD is there?
I'd say she's probably come up with it on her own.
Sounds like you are all doing a lovely job and staying amicable. Try and keep it that way as you'll be dealing with them for the rest if your days.

My DD came up with an imaginary 'mother' for herself at that age. She was referred to as 'mother' and basically the imaginary mother would let her do whatever she wanted. It didn't last too long and I think it was in response to watching Rapunzel who has a 'mother' (although she's not exactly kind!).

My point being: kids can figure this stuff out on their own. It's entirely likely she wants to call her mummy Emma and came up with it herself.

It sounds like she’s just trying to make sense of the world and give people labels. Emma’s not a teacher, so “Mummy” is the only other label she knows. I wouldn’t let it worry yourself too much, you are her mum and nobody could possibly take that place regardless of what names she gives other people. Try not to let her see how much it bothers you because she’ll find that really confusing. Just continue to refer to Emma as Emma and she may well grow out of it over time.