Don’t put him on the birth certificate

[helpmeplease12345671]

I’m part of a single parent what’s app group and saw a soon to be mum was stating she was going to meet her ex as he wants to co parent. He was absent for a number of months but wants to play a part.

we know that guy is most likely not going to be involved in the life of that child long term etc.

Aibu for agreeing the birth certificate should keep him off it?

And that changes the biological reality because....

The birth certificate is a statement of fact. It is not a weapon for mothers to use againstr fathers.

Sounds like she should have thought about that before breeding with him, doesn't it.

A birth certificate is a a record of the child's birth; and they deserve to have both parents listed on it. It's not a toy or something a mother should be able to withhold information from just because it will make her life harder.

That's what you get for having children with the wrong man.. those consequences are YOURS to deal with.

The birth certificate belongs to the child, not to the parents. As such, I think it's a disgraceful thing to do to an innocent child, to seek to deny them an accurate record by refusing to let the father's name be on there (if you're the mother), or to not go to register yourself as the father - assuming you have actually been told that the child exists and you know that he or she is yours.

I said exactly the same when reading about the sorry, drawn-out, narcissistic legal battle that Freddy McConnell waged against her own children, seeking to deny them the basic right to have their mother accurately named on THEIR birth certificates - just because she herself likes to be considered as a 'living as' a male, whatever that means - however clearly not seriously enough that the idea of getting pregnant and giving birth (twice) was totally unthinkable to her, as it obviously would be to any actual man (who wouldn't even ever have that option available to him anyway).

Their birth certificate is the only legal thing that that child will have to prove their identity for likely years; and even when they're older and have other forms of ID, it is still a valid record of their birth - and remains so until the day they die (and potentially of perpetual interest to their descendants). It's called a birth certificate, because that's the time when it's issued; but legally speaking, it would probably be more accurate to call it your life certificate. It is a crucial part of your lifelong identity and it belongs to YOU, not to anybody else - even if they also happen to be named on it.

Imagine, when you grow up, seeing only two names (of other people) on your birth certificate, rather than the three who should be named on there.

So you have a permanent record of the registrar who happened to be on duty on the day when your mother went to register your birth - somebody whom you and your mother will almost certainly never get to know nor meet again, and whose only importance in your life was for an hour or less as one of the many names on a list whom they officially verified on behalf of the government that week... but they officially still have far more prominence and importance to you, as far as your birth certificate goes, for your entire life, than your own father does.

It's the child's rights to have both their parents in their birth cert. It's not a father's right to have parental rights.

There is so much ignorance on this thread.

"Father unknown" wasnt a thing when I had my eldest 37 years ago, so it sure as hell ain't now!

A woman cannot enter a man as the father of the child without his presence at the registrars office unless they are married. He must agree and attend. If he doesnt then his name is not entered, simple as.

A man's name not being on a birth certificate does not stop him being liable for child support. A DNA test proving him as father does not automatically mean he will be added to the birth certificate, one of the parents needs to go to court for that to be granted and the BC changed.

There are many kids around that dont have their father's name on their BC because Daddy Dearest thought it would save him from the responsibility. It doesnt mean that those kids don't know who their fathers are.

Contraceptive is also helpful in these situations!

Not once you're pregnant, though.

Gosh this is a bit harsh. It’s not ok for a deadbeat dad to be named on a birth certificate and mess around with the child’s schooling and medical care. I’ve seen this in my professional life so many times. It’s not about the parents, it’s about the child. Making their life difficult isn’t fair.

I’m with you OP, I wouldn’t be giving the dad parental responsibility if he hadn’t been interested during pregnancy, having power over decisions in relation to the child is plainly wrong.

There is no such right for a child to have both parents named on a birth certificate, this is a myth that really needs busting.

But you’ve entirely missed out the most important thing that the birth certificate does, which is gives unmarried fathers parental responsibility if they are named on it. That is wholly inappropriate for an absent father, or a father that uses his PR to interfere with decisions in relation to the child as a way of continuing abuse against a mother (things like refusing to agree upon which school to attend, vaccinations etc).

Parental responsibility is the legal rights and duties of a Parent (or, if granted, a carer).
Those responsibilities means overseeing were the child and therefore the Mother, lives. In other words, if a Mother is struggling, even if the father won't help, she can't move towns etc to live by support. As said, he can stop a holiday taking place. Without child arrangement orders, it can mean that he doesn't have to return the child.
It's better to leave some fathers off the BC, then make him go to court so everything is sorted out. If he is put on the BC he can dodge going to court, but still have very damaging rights.

Yes, this is exactly one of the many issues involved with the father's name going on and the child being given his surname. It is all too easy for people to insist on the father's name going on the birth certificate when they have no awareness of the difficulties it can indeed cause. It gives the father a way to make life much, much harder for the next 18 years. Medical decisions etc. It is not something I would ever want to do unless I was married. It does not go down as father unknown - the section is simply left blank. Much better protection for the mother and child. If abuse is involved, then it would be a very not-so-good situation to have the father's name added.

You are clearly overlooking the severe negative impact that the father's name on the birth certificate can, and does, cause the mother. That then causes severe stress and upset for the mother. This is not needed.

Why should an abusive individual be granted parental rights? That is what happens when the father's name is added to the birth certificate.

The child can still easily know who their father is without the name being on their birth certificate.

Having someone deliberately interfering with being able to move somewhere, go abroad, medical decisions and so on is not in the best interests of the child.

It is surprisingly common for many fathers to decide to try and control the mother via this method. It is never a wise idea to add the father's name unless you are actually married. You also never know if a partner is suddenly going to turn around and behave in a manner you would never expect. Look at some of the many threads on here for examples of that.

It is best for a child to have a stable environment with a mother who is not being terrorised by the father.

"No matter what the situation..." So does that also include situations where the father is abusing the mother? Whether it be physical abuse or emotional abuse?

No, it is not. It has been shown time and time again that many men cannot help themselves but to use a child to try and essentially control the mother. Having the father's name on the birth certificate opens the mother up to being controlled. Even in cases where the mother assumes it would never happen to her.

Having an individual being able to control where you are able to move to, for example, is not helpful. Then having to go through the severe stress of having to attend court simply due to wanting/needing to move for a promotion at work, for example, or to receive more support from your family, is not helpful. Even then, you could end up in the position where the court decides you are not allowed to do so. Yet, if the father's name was not down on the birth certificate, then the likelihood is that this would not be an issue.

Having issues with being able to take holidays abroad is another example of problems which are commonly caused due to the father's name being on the birth certificate. If your child has a different surname to you, then expect some additional difficulties on top of this. Imagine being unable to do so unless you have someone else's permission. Think about what if you are unable to easily locate this individual. Again, that would then result in the only option being available to you is going to court to try and resolve this.

There are many more examples I could give. Women really need to take this on board before deciding to add the father or giving into pressure from the father about this matter. Even a male who appears to be behaving himself currently does not make you exempt from this ever happening to you. Men can, and do, behave in terrible ways. If this was not the case, then there would not be any threads on here, there would be no domestic violence from male perps and everyone would be in some fantasy world (as it would not be the case without that).

It is all too easy for someone who has never encountered and/or experienced any of these issues/situations to claim that the father's name should be added. Some even continue to claim this despite it being pointed out to them which is somewhat irresponsible. It could easily lead to a woman listening to such advice and then finding herself being controlled terribly for the next eighteen years. Just because someone assumes the father would never behave in such a way does not mean he wouldn't.

Right so when someone is adopted their actual parents are removed and a new one is made. Lol lol lol

Edited as i missed that the baby wasnt yet born.

No i wouldnt put an abusive man on the birth certificate. I wouldnt mention it. He can go to court to be added.

The relationship between parents and parent and child has to be separated. Keeping him off isn’t a punishment thay should be meted out. And he can easily get on it, all it does is delay things,

the child also shouldn’t be punished, and someone can be a beyond awful partner but parent well when away,

so he needs to go on, it’s pointless anyway, if he wants on he just can submit for a dna test and get on.

Nah. You don’t understand.

man walks away. Mum doesn’t.

Every child has the right to know who their parents are.

Ah god people really don’t understand and think they are right…. Don’t make that issue yours mum

And they can. Doesn’t mean the dad needs parental rights.

guess what. My son doesn’t have a father on his birth certificate because he left us. Didn’t want to know. He can still know who he is

You clearly have no idea of the law regarding this - children whose fathers were sperm donors do have a legal right to know who he is, and adopted chi,Daren also have the legal right to know who their birth parents were.

And guess what, I knew who my parents were before ever seeing my birth certificate. They cared for me and lived in the same house

If he isn't the registered father then she can't ask him for financial support as hed have no legal responsibility over the child. So although the goal would be to keep him out of it all, it could be really, really shit advice.

People do change. It would be bad for the kids to find out later that the mum intentionally kept him off it if he did become a good father down the line.

My dad wasn't on mine, but still very much in my life. It was complicated at the time with my parents, I dont know why he wasn't on there. It is really sad to not see my dads name, but I forgive what happened.