To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

I think she's old enough to have a super honest conversation with her about your responsibilities and priorities and how she has to work with you so that you can continue to work and do everything you need to do. Of course I don't think you need to immediately stop helping her at all, but you need to have a plan and you definitely need to be clear you aren't going to get fired so that she doesn't get in trouble for forgetting a folder.

I think you just need to tell her that you are getting into trouble because she makes you late when she forgets things so you will no longer be able to bring anything to school for her. She should pack her bag with everything she needs for the next day as soon as she gets home and before any fun activities, screen time etc. Help her get into the habit of that and eventually she won't need your help. You shouldn't be suffering the consequences of her not bithering to get organised, she should. She'll soon learn if she does get detention that she needs to be more organised.

Like your DD, I have always been a forgetful person. My mother never brought any forgotten items to school for me, because like you, she was working.

I got into the habit of getting everything set up ready for the night before, and still do that now in my thirties. Due to my poor memory, I put reminders on Google calendar on my phone, as well as a WhatsApp chat to myself that is full of important notes. Providing that I don't forget my phone, I'm fine!

As someone who does have an ADHD diagnosis, absolutely it is harder for people with ADHD but the solutions are still the same - she needs to work out a system that will work for her to remember her things. It is actually probably more important that she puts effort and focus into how to do those things if she has ADHD. It's not an excuse to leave it all to her mum

I forgot everything all of the time when I was at school. My mum was a single parent working full time as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities so she couldn’t rescue me. I got a few detentions and occasionally had to wear PE kit from the lost property - no harm done.

I now know that I have ADHD which explains why I forgot everything! I’ve built strategies to help me remember and find what I need, I recommend you support her to do the same and let her feel the natural consequences whilst she’s learning.

😂 I probably have been too patient, or just making life easier for myself in the short term. I didn’t work full time until recently so I had more flexibility and if she rang saying she’d forgotten something I could usually just jump in the car and take it. I can see now that I’ve basically made it into the normal arrangement though. I definitely can’t keep doing it now I have to be at work for 8.30. I do think the fact I was available is why it carried on for so long, rather than me deliberately deciding she shouldn’t have to manage her own stuff.

When your DD said ‘I’ll do it in a minute’, why didn’t you say ‘no, you’re doing it right now’? Do you and DH ever tell her off?

Your job as a parent is to teach your DD the importance of personal responsibility. She won’t learn this until you 1. Help her to organise herself every night before school and 2. Don’t take anything in that she’s forgotten.

I think there's a sortof culture in your house as well where you twist yourself into pretzels to make everyone else's life easier an that's expected not just by the children, but by your DH too. And as a result, no one ever experiences consequences (except you) and also, no one feels any guilt. There's an element here of absolute entitlement from your DD and I think that actualy comes from her dad in part.

So when my dc forget something, they are a) apologetic when they ask me to bring it in because they know and accep tit's their responsibility and b) grateful if I do becuase ... the same.

That's not happening here. so your DH really needs to step up to support you.

I'm not advocating leaving her to sink or swim. But your job now is to start moving the responsibility to her so that even if she does make a mistake, she understands it's HER mistake

This was an issue with my DC.

We had a check list by the door in the end - large and very visble and a chalk board for additional notes- and ran through it in primary every day and they themsleves started doing it with each other at secondary.

They do it now - older two past 18. Had a few occasions with DD1 and instruments in first term at secondary but we found a system and it stopped.

People who are forgetful/ disorganised don’t learn but just me personally I still step up and bring things in (with a lecture later!) just because I remember my mum turning up when I was a child and starting to panic because I knew I was going to get in trouble.

We’ve done the ‘teach them a lesson’ thing a number of times because dh is the opposite to me- it didn’t fix anything. I will say you need to talk to her on the attitude of ‘you’ll get me into trouble though’- it’s her fault and she needs to know it!!

I would say that at least you’re bothered. There’s loads of parents who don’t care. It reminds me of the poster who posts about their child not being potty trained despite being in reception. The mum keeps talking about how much they love them but she can’t see how much she’s held her child back. It’s similar here.

I was an anxious parent when my child started secondary but I had to be at work so we had to have foolproof systems. To begin with we went through her timetable together each day, always double checked if she needed PE kit or homework. Finally we went over what she wanted for her packed lunch. She’s now year 8, she always has her books, PE kit and homework ready. I like to make her a packed lunch though.

This - it is in my DC - and they do have to work round it.

They needed it more once they left home for uni as well - as I'm not close to being around to sort it for them.

I have ADHD and so do at least 2/3 of my DC so just on that side of things - this can be related to ADHD, but it can also be a completely normal combo of lagging skill which doesn't come easily to her, and unhelpful habit where you've inadvertantly removed the consequence of her not developing the skill, so because it's hard for her, she hasn't bothered. It's basically like a 3-4yo who whines to be carried all the time - they won't develop the stamina to walk until you just make them walk and put up with the whining. And then they get used to it, and it's fine.

Completely normal/understandable response to this kind of thing. I think the plan of changing the boundary so that you will no longer leave work is a really important step and has to happen no matter what. Then the idea that you'll support her in using the checklist so that she doesn't need to rely on you doing this is also a fair "first step".

I would expect some pushback on this because as far as she is concerned, you'll be "making" her do something you've never insisted upon before and it is likely to feel unfair from her perspective. That's OK - she doesn't have to agree. I do think the job will be really useful at this point as a hard boundary for you saying you cannot leave work unless there is a genuine emergency. Not because it's important to convince DD, because actually, I think it's OK to make a decision DC don't agree with, but mainly to be clear about it to both DD and DH, and hopefully stop DH undermining you, as I think it is undermining if he is saying to or in front of DD that he thinks you should still bring things in for her.

I would not query ADHD at this point. It seems highly likely to be that this is tricky for her, but she hasn't been forced to take the step. It's OK to push her to take the step. If, after the initial gnashing of teeth and then some genuine attempts to follow it, it seems to remain very difficult for her to manage, and there are other related issues (e.g. you mentioned some troubles with task prioritisation, distraction, time management/time awareness in general) then ADHD might be worth investigating, so it is useful to have on your radar. But this seems really clear cut that she's relying on your support because you're providing it. Whether she finds it hard because of ADHD or whether she finds it hard because she just isn't naturally a very organised person probably doesn't make much difference to this, but it will be clearer once you do start getting her to rely on her own abilities if she's really struggling to develop them consistently.

I think we're forgetting that our children are in fact, children.

My DS is 12 and DD is 11. They put clothes in the washing basket, I wash them and return to them once dry, they hang/fold them and have full responsibility for ensuring they have everything ready for school they need. They also put anything in a pile that they need for days when they are with their mum which I will arrange to get over (if too much to take in their school bags). I wouldn't dream of getting things out/ready for them and unless it was something important like medication, I wouldn't be taking it to school. There school is only 3 mins away and I have the flexibility to easily go should I need to, but if they forget something and it causes them issues then that's on them and they will learn from it - But I can't think of a single time in the last couple of years where anything has been an issue as it's very rare they will forget something. Same applies to homework, if they need help they will ask me for it but they have full responsibility for ensuring it is all completed on time - DS has done a full year at high school and managed this consistently. They need to be given the responsibility to manage things their selves with the proviso that they know they will get help if they need it and ask for it

You're not being unreasonable to stop taking things to your DD's school that she's forgotten - I'd use your new job as the explanation to your DD as why things need to change.

As for your DH saying you're making a mountain out of a mole hill, he could always take the stuff in if he feels that strongly about it...

I work full-time. My DD's in Y10 and I've only taken something in once - when she was a primary school.

When she says she is afraid she'll get in trouble if you don't rescue her, remind her that "trouble" for her means possibly a detention. Trouble for you for repeatedly coming to work late will result in a loss of job and affect your entire family. She is 12. Not 2. You are not raising children. You should be raising adults.

No - I think some of us know our kids really struggle with organisiation and rememering stuff and spend years of their childhood teaching them how cope so adult life is easier to manage for them.

So 12 is old enough to understand Mum can not drop this off due to work.

Plus frankly old enough to be part of the how do we stop this happening regaularly again conversation - as my DC were younger when we had it and then did system of check list by the door.

The odd lapse happens - but should be working towrads system that means less likely going forward and skills they can take when they leave home and there is no-one to pick up after them.

Tell her to ring dh and let him handle it

I agree with this - your DD is getting her attitude of ‘mum can easily do it’ from your DH.

AND you’ve already been told off by work!

Do you feel comfortable saying to your DH, listen you are not helping either her or me here, and since you are not capable of doing the running around anyway you should stop volunteering my work time!

Is he supportive of your work?

This is what I wonder if the DH is feeling.

If there is ADHD in the DC then generally one or both parents will have it as well. If he was a forgetful child and his mum bailed him out then he might feel it is the parent's responsibility to do it.

When a child struggles with organisational (or any other) skills, it's true that often just letting them fail won't necessarily make them better at remembering. You might have to hold their hand and help them learn the skills of setting up a system to help them remember. Sometimes people act as though remembering is just this magic thing which will happen all by itself if the idea is important enough, and I just don't think that is true. Maybe there are some lucky people who have that ability, but I think what is more likely is that people who seem "naturally organised" probably just are more likely to have set up systems to keep them on task or help them remember, whereas people who are more disorganised don't usually have these things set up. Where the "magic" or automatic part comes in is that someone who is naturally organised perhaps doesn't consciously think about how to set up systems to organise themselves, it just feels so obvious to them that it is the right way to do it, whereas someone who is more naturally disorganised might have to put more effort and conscious thought into creating and maintaining systems like this. But systems usually do work to help.

Like others have said, she needs to learn. She is old enough now - and I bet she doesn't forget things when it's something to do that's fun.

I wouldn't be running around after her because she's not learning the consequences and there's no way my parents would have done the same. If your husband doesn't think it's an issue, tell him by all means take the forgotten items to her himself or better still, both of you sit down with her the night before, everything sorted for school packed in her bag and a little list for the morning until she gets the hang of being responsible for herself.

Definitely stop taking things in. You have to be in work and you could very well get into hot water if you’re regularly late. As for your husband? I’d be having serious words with him! No big deal my arse!
She already has a checklist, so she either sorts her bag the night before and double checks it, or she doesn’t have her phone in the morning before she leaves for school if that’s what’s distracting her. End of. And if she forgets something? Tough luck. She’ll have to face the consequences of her actions.

I’ve got one that would forget their head if it wasn’t screwed on. In year 7, every day I used to ask if they had PE kits, workbooks, food etc ingredients, he would say yes and then forget. Sometimes it got left in the car, sometimes by the front door- it was so frustrating. Yes, I took it in each time and they did out grow it by the end of the first year.

However, when I took stuff in, my child was sheepish, apologetic and grateful. Yours sounds like they are being lazy and too engrossed in their phone to get their shit together and your DH is enabling her blasé attitude.

Help her create a timetable of what she needs for the week
Take the phone away in the morning until she has completed everything
Warn her you will not be enabling her
If she doesn’t listen, that is her (or DH) problem.

My child has recognized and diagnosed executive dysfunction issues linked to ASD. Remembering everything and staying organized is harder for some people. Adults can organize their lives to compensate for this issue, but children have no options to build flexibility into their lives.

We do checklists and packing the night before. I teach and scaffold.

When things still fail, I help and run items up to the school.

She is in her last year now. The rate of forgetting things has diminished greatly. I have only had to bring up one thing so far and it was something outside of routine that she needed to pick up and carry in her hands because of the size. She left it by the door after she put on her shoes.