To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

My daughter was exactly the same. Turns out she has ADHD although we didn't do it at the time. We only live a few minutes from school but I work from home as a childminder and my husband actually worked at the school as a caretaker. It never occurred to DD that it was a massive inconvenience for us to take things to her or that it just wasn't possible sometimes.
I made a table of days and what equipment she needed each day and stuck it on the front door so it was the last thing she saw when she left the house- sometimes it worked,sometimes it didn't.

How will she ever learn to think for herself or take responsibility for her own actions if you bale her out all the time? You are being kind now but you’re not actually teaching her that she needs to do these things herself ….in the long term it’s not actually kind but is setting herself up for failure

Yanbu.

Time for a big talk. You will not be coming to her rescue anymore. Together create a checklist of things to remember before she leaves the house each morning. New routine of packing her bag the night before school.

If she gets a detention for forgetting something then so be it, sometimes lessons have to be learnt the hard way. It will create that motivation to make sure she has everything she needs in future.

I disagree with the suggestions that you make her a checklist or other system. You have tried that and it doesn't work because it's your system not hers.

Tell her - this isn't working for me. You need to remember your things. And then ask her what system would work for her and what support she needs to start it off.

I'd get her on the list for an ADHD assessment tbh. That all sounds horribly familiar.

Stop taking stuff in. She has to check her bag the night before not you. if hse needs to find something she does it not you. It is slower but she needs to learn. If she has medication then that is worth an extra check by you but everything else is on her. You won't get her into trouble she will. You would be surprised how fast she learns. As for DH if he won't do it he doesn't get a say, why is his job too important and yours isn't?

oh come on year 8 and you're still doing this?

she has to learn consequences and not phoning up mummy every day. what did we do back in the day. nothing we accepted the punishment

Help her get organised.

We found folders for each subject. And bags packed night before.

Extra time in morning to double check

I know I shouldn't have but I helped with sports kits as it is a big step in the beginning.

But I didn't have option of dropping anything in school so once out the door and on bus... I was off to work

Just get her stuff ready the night before so all she has to do is pick her things up.

I would have done exactly the same. The school need to plan and communicate better. People have other commitments e.g. caring, work, studying etc

sit her down for a proper chat: say you can’t continue on like you have, and as she is now 12 you won’t be dropping anything off at school and you expect her to sort her own things and deal with the consequences if she forgets. Brainstorm together what things she can do to help her remember, and offer to help her write a list for each day. Then stick to your word and let her learn to remember.

if DB feels so strongly about running her things down then let him be interrupted and his plans have to change and he can run down what she needs 🤷‍♀️

The only way we can organise ourselves as a family is with a shared calendar we can all access and add to. We use family wall, but only the free version and have for years.

Mine are in primary but when we get news letters from school at the end of the week, and the hot dinner menu etc I sit on a Friday when they are in bed and put in what each person need on each day the following week eg packed lunch if they don't like the menu options one day, PE kit, own clothes days etc. Us adults use it too like if we're working away for a day or have an appointment, to remind us of inset days / own clothes day / sporta days etc. We also colour code so each family members activities are in a different colour. Its very quick to use and easy to navigate, and you can make events reoccurring so say set an event called PE kit needed and set to repeate every monday, or every second monday, the first day of the month etc so it doesnt constantly need adding to, just checking after the initial start up. The best part is you can set up to 3 reminders so the evening before and the morning of which will send alerts to her phone reminding her of what she needs.
If there is a lot, rather than seperate events you could set a daily event in the calendar called check bag list and then have a bag list for each day stored in a note on her phone? I do sometimes do this.

I also have pegs at home. Each child has a peg which when they come in their school and PE bags, coats etc go on and a box under it where their books get emptied so I can easily grab out what they need when the reminders go off. I hope that by seeing me do this it forms good habits for them, but hope that maybe sharing some of this might help you and your daughter too.

Good luck, and congrats on the new job!2

I think TBH the reason this has not worked before is because you were still bringing things in as a back up.

She has no incentive to use the checklist, because it doesn't make any difference to her if she uses it or not. You will still bring the item if she forgets it.

Start out with the checklist, even if it means you checking it with her, AND the boundary of no more bringing forgotten items. Once this is established then you can work on stepping back from helping her with the list.

Medical stuff I would do separately - can you just give that to the secretary or whoever deals with it periodically, making it not her responsibility at all? And things like inhalers can you get a spare one from GP so she can always have one in her school bag?

Yes you should stop but you should also help her establish routines so that she doesn't forget eg checklist by the door that you go through together.

YANBU. She will thank you (much) later if you enable her to gain organisational skills now.

Ask your DH to think back to when he was 12. I doubt his parents were back and forth to school for him!

I think the major problem here is actually your dh. He does not appear to respect you, your job and your time. If you are new in the job they are not going to tolerate you being late for long. He needs to fully support you on this.

I would actually tell him to take a day off and see how long it actually takes to bring things into school.

At 12 she needs to be more independent. I wouldn’t be dropping stuff off either especially as she using this as a fall back for her laziness and lack of planning. Any negative consequences are on her. Your DH needs to stay in his lane: he either spoon feeds her every night, does it for her or does the drop offs

My DH used to get annoyed I didn't check his pockets before putting stuff in the wash. He'd say "it's not a big deal". I used to say "If it's not a big deal, then do it before you take them off". Every single time be mentioned it. He got the message eventually and isn't such a dick now.

Absolutely stop doing it. Sit her down and say you won't be doing it anymore. Don't mention you'll bring medical things as she could use that as a weapon. Offer ideas on how to get organised. And if your DH buts in say oh look daddy has offered to help you and leave them to it.

My mum would never have brought anything to me in secondary school! Mine was an hr via public transport away anyway but principle remains the same, need to remember your own stuff at that age and the only way she will is by getting in some mild admonishment from teachers, your method of bringing it in hasn't worked. She'll soon learn to wake up earlier or manage her time better, harsh as it sounds!

Yes I think you’re probably right about the checklist. It hasn’t really had any consequence because I’ve always been the back up. She forgets something, rings me, I take it in and then we all move on. So why would she bother checking it properly. I hadn’t really thought of it that way until people started saying it. I think for the next couple of weeks I probably need to do the checklist with her properly and make it clear that if she forgets something then I’m not automatically bringing it in, rather than just expecting her to suddenly become organised overnight. Medical things I would obviously sort separately, I wouldn’t make her go without something important just to prove a point. She doesn’t have anything she needs every day at school though, so it’s not something we’ve had to arrange with them.

The daughter should be going through a checklist herself, she's not a baby and needs to start taking some responsibility rather than expecting the OP to do everything for her. It's respomses like this that make me understand why so many young people are helpless in work or Uni.

Which is the more serious consequence: her getting a detention; you losing your job?

Which is the fairer consequence: her getting into trouble for not doing something; you getting into trouble for someone else not doing something?

She is more than old enough to organise herself. Stop bailing her out.

She has a checklist. Say you will help the transition to independence by supervising her in using it. Do this in the evening before so there's plenty of time, as it's a new routine. Start on a Friday evening so there's all weekend for the first try.

One week you (or your DH - it's no big deal spending 5 mins helping her, right?) sit by it and observe as she reads out, then finds and packs, each item. Next week she assembles and packs everything herself, and you get her to read out and confirm each item once she's done. Week 3 just ask her if she's used the list and packed her bag.

Don't look for things for her - if she needs it, she can find it. If she can't find it after 10 minutes of properly looking, help (but if you find it in under 10 mins she has to pay a finding fee).

The checklist on the fridge that you engage with and she doesn't isn't working.

The act of remembering things relies on different senses and actions and these can be different for different people.

How often during the morning routine does your daughter find herself next to the fridge to look at the checklist? If it's not where she is going to come across and use it as a prompt to remember what she needs it's not an aide it's barrier.
Everything I need to remember is on the checklist so my brain doesn't need to remember everything
Only it does need to remember that the checklist does exist, that it is on the fridge and to go to the fridge before leaving the house.

I can be forgetful and put things down all the time. If they are out of eye sight disappear and are lost forever. I do remember most things that I actively make/ write down. I always write a shopping list but rarely remember to take it with me but the act of writing it means I remember pretty everything needed. Similarly writing things on a paper calendar works much better than an online calendar. She needs to find a solution with your support and guidance rather than your current system where the checklist is a checklist to remind you to prompt her to do something that does and doesn't get done

Being able to organise for something you're interested in but not the day to day dull stuff doesn't rule out ADHD- probably the opposite TBH

But you are still enabling her. Don't let her leave it til the next day. If you don't have a parental app on the phone to disable it, get one so 'in a minute' can't result in losing half an hour in forgetting. Don't call it out to her. Stop rescuing her. Stop letting DH have opinions on what you should do if he's not in anyway helping you or DD actually make a change