To stop taking my DD’s forgotten school things in to her?

[AmpleLemonReader]

I know 12 isn’t 5 but I am getting to the point where I feel like I am DDs school bag, if that makes sense. She has always been forgetful, PE kit, maths book, reading book, jumper, lunch, occasionally her phone. School is only about 8 minutes away so until recently I would just take whatever it was in. It has become a habit really. She will sometimes shout from upstairs asking where something is instead of looking herself, and I realise I have probably trained her into that as well.

I have recently changed jobs and I have to be in for 8.30 now. I have already been late twice because DD has rung me from school wanting something brought in. I can’t keep leaving work or turning round when I am meant to be starting. There have been mornings where she is still getting dressed while I am making lunches and checking my own things for work, then she suddenly says she needs something for school when I am literally walking out the door. This morning she left her science homework folder on the kitchen table and rang at about 8.05 saying she needed it and that the teacher had said she would get a detention.

I said no, I wasn’t bringing it. She got really upset and said “you’ll get me in trouble” and that I was setting her up to get in trouble. I asked her afterwards exactly what happens if she forgets something and apparently there is a consequence, but it isn’t a big detention for one forgotten folder. More a lunchtime catch up or being told off and having to sort it out. So I do think she has made it sound worse because she knows I usually rescue her. I don’t want her sitting there terrified all day over one folder, but I also don’t think every uncomfortable consequence needs to be removed by me.

And yes, I know I have created some of this myself. Every time she has forgotten something I have taken it in, partly because it is easier than listening to the panic and partly because I can’t stand the thought of her being embarrassed. But now she expects it. She doesn’t even seem to check her bag properly because she knows if something is missing I will bring it. Looking back, I think I have confused being a helpful mum with preventing any consequences for her. She knows I hate seeing her upset, and she has learned that ringing me normally fixes it. I honestly don’t know where the line is between helping and making her incapable of doing basic things herself.

DH thinks im being ridiculous and says she is only 12 and it takes five minutes. His view is that if I can take it then why wouldn’t I, especially if she is going to get a sanction. But I am not just sitting at home with nothing to do anymore. I am meant to be at work, and it is not five minutes when I have to turn round, park, go into reception and then get back. DH says I am making a mountain out of something small and that school is already stressful enough without me refusing to help. I can see that side of it, but I also need to get to work on time and keep my job. Also I’m not saying she has to be perfect.

DS is 9 and somehow manages his own bag. He has packed it himself since Year 3 and will check for his reading book and PE kit without being asked. I know children are different and I am not comparing them to make DD feel bad, but honestly it does wind me up when DS is more independent and I am still checking DD has remembered everything. I have tried checklists on the front door and putting PE days on the fridge. Sometimes she uses them and sometimes she just walks straight past them. She is perfectly capable of remembering things she really cares about, which is probably why I get so frustrated. Maybe I have got too used to doing it for her.

The PE thing has annoyed me most. Last week she deliberately left her PE kit by the front door because she didn’t want PE. Then she texted me from school saying “they’ll phone you” and asking me to bring it. I didn’t. They didn’t phone. She had to sit out and apparently got a minor sanction for not having kit. That felt different from genuinely forgetting because she had actually made a decision not to take it. She came home afterwards absolutely fine, by the way. She wasn’t traumatised or anything, which made me wonder if I have been worrying about the consequences more than she actually needs me to.

There are exceptions though. If she forgot something genuinely important I would obviously take it. Medication, something needed for a medical reason, or something that would cause a serious problem rather than just embarrassment or a small school sanction. If it was her inhaler, glasses, medication, something needed for a disability or anything where not having it could actually put her at risk, obviously I would go. I don’t want people thinking I would leave her without something important just to make a lesson out of it. I am not trying to punish her or make school harder. I just think she needs to learn to check her bag and deal with the consequences when she doesn’t.

So AIBU to stop taking her forgotten things in? I keep going backwards and forwards because part of me thinks this is exactly how you teach independence, but another part thinks I am making her school life harder just to prove a point. DH says I am being unnecessarily strict and should just help her. I honestly can’t tell anymore if refusing to rescue her is reasonable parenting or if I am being stubborn. I don’t want to turn this into some battle of wills. I want her to manage school herself, but I also don’t want to look back and think I should have helped her when I could have.

She comes in from school
she hands over her phone
she gets everything ready for the next day
she gets her phone back after it’s done

12 is perfectly old enough to do this

I used to get the odd panicked message, but it was rare and they knew I’d only bring something if it was really important

Yeah. I'd help her get a better system together as she definitely should be in charge of this herself. Set a timer on alexa / her phone / whatever for 15 mins before she usually goes up to bed. Spend those 15 minutes laying out clothes for tomorrow, packing a bag, getting her to organise water bottle / lunch / whatever. Have a checklist if need be (we had one on a whiteboard for the first year or so). But don't do it for her.

One of us (usually me) goes through everything with her the night before using the timetable and planner, so as much of what can go in her bag is in her bag.
Last night she said she’d done everything, no need to check, it was all sorted.
This morning, panicked phone call having forgotten a book and associated homework, could we bring it in?
DH has refused and I’m miles away so physically couldn’t but wouldn’t have anyway as we feel it’s an important lesson that actions have consequences whether you had good intentions or not.
As per PP, if no ND or other issues, drop the rope, she’ll soon learn and if she doesn’t then perhaps worth looking into ND

You are enabling poor behaviour.

It is her responsibility and every kid her age (which is plenty old enough) does the same.

You can't go cold turkey though - that isn't fair. I would sit down with her, explain your expectations and her responsibility and that she is responsible if she forgets something.

Create a list and tell her she needs to own it.

You are going far too above and beyond to rescue her - when will it end? When she is 16? You need to teach her self reliance and responsibiliy.

Yeah I would be telling DH to stop trying to manage YOUR time or having any sort of opinion on your time

@AmpleLemonReader just prepare her, saying, you should have nipped this in the bud because she is old enough to be responsible. When I was her age my Mum didn’t go near my bag! You can say it should have already stopped but now it has to as you need to be in work by 0830 - therefore she need to have a list, or check her timetable, or take everything (which I did for a while until I had to wear dirty PE kit once having forgotten to remove it after class once).

As for DH saying ‘why wouldn’t you do it?’ The answer is, because being a parent usually means you do everything for a baby but you taper that off until your child gradually becomes self-reliant. Part of that involves being given responsibility (managing homework, doing chores and so on, managing a shopping budget, learning how to book things and make phone calls).

Mine have adhd so I scaffold more than most
We do daily homework check each night at tea time and they write it on white board
I had them their packing list they bring everything to kitchen table. Then we pack bag together. Its now gotten to the point where I dont need to supervise this pack step. So they have made progress

Your DH is being ridiculous.

Sit her down, explain you won't be taking things in now.

In the mornings ask her if she has checked her checklist

Leave her to face the consequences

Monitor for other signs of ADHD.

Many secondary schools ban phones now, so none of the teenagers in my family would be able to ring a family member to ask them tk bring something. Funnily enough, even though they are all different levels of organised/scatty, none of them reget detentions for forgetting their stuff, because they know nobody is going to swoop in and save them and remember it themselves. Even the ones who live between 2 parents who are doing 50/50 custody seem to manage. She'll get uses to you not stepping up and organise herself. Stop answering your phone, say you were driving. She'll soon get fed up of the consequences, think of it as a learning opportunity.

I think you need to stop. You don't want to risk your job by being late. I was like you always taking stuff down for my eldest, until DS was born. I did it once then told her I was not walking from wherever I parked the car with a 3 month old and whatever she'd forgotten. She only forgot something twice after that.
In reality I should have stopped before. I did used to double check everything with her in the morning for a few months. By the time I stopped it was second nature for her to check.
Tell her to ring DH if she forgets stuff. If it's no big deal let him do it.

12 is old enough to be prepping her bag herself the night before.
I never ever took anything in that my child
forgot because I worked FT and had to be at work, would not have been able to nip out and could t be late myself. My child soon learned that they were responsible
for making sure they had everything needed for the day.
Your husband seems invested - tell him
if he feels so strongly he can do it himself. After all, it’s no big deal!

She needs to learn to plan ahead and be responsible. Don't take her stuff in.

Ask her to prepare he things for school
in the evening, then you check, if something is missing you tell her (but don’t say what) and she needs to check again until you confirm it’s ok.
I do that with my 12yo. Even uniform is laid out in the evening.

Most people are back at work by late primary at the latest. I couldn’t take things in my kids forgot because I went straight on to work and so was a teacher.

very very few parents are taking stuff in my secondary.

if your dh cares he can leave work and do it.

otherwise do the checklist the night before

I'm sure its been said already but the reason this still happens is because you take stuff in to her.

I'm a primary teacher (UKS2) and we don't let the children call home for forgotten things unless a) they actually need them, which is rare or b) where it's an agreed reasonable adjustment (it's not worth a meltdown).

Nothing is going to focus her brain on not forgetting stuff quicker than having a couple of detentions because she's forgotten stuff.

I am also quite clear with the children that their mum didn't forget to pack anything because it's their responsibility and not their mum's. (That last bit is in case you think the teachers will deem you an awful person if you don't 😉)

It shouldn’t be just you goung through the checklist with her. Your DH should be doing it too.
She also needs to get a mark here or there to actually learn from the consequences of her actions.

I make my DD sort her bag out the evening before. I'm hoping she starts doing it fully on her own but shes only 12 and very daydreamy so I currently remind/watch her do it until she starts doing it alone.

Bag left by door and ready to go in the morning.

I would stop. I made the mistake with both of mine of protecting them from the consequences of forgetting stuff for school. I was a SAHM so could do it. I did it because they were so anxious about getting sanctions at the very strict schools they went to and I didn't want them so get into trouble as it would set off their anxiety. I now have an 18 year old who doesn't ever think of consequences and blames all of her mistakes on everyone and everything else and a 21 year old who has only realised he needs to take personal responsibility for stuff in the last couple of years since he started work and realised he can't just phone mum to sort out his mistakes.

I agree with others. Mine were screwed at this age if they forgot something because I was already at work by the time school started.

one of mine has adhd and we had to set up a routine for her to get organised (which she came up with, there was no use in me telling her to do it in a way that wasn’t going to help her).

She would come home from school, make a snack, then do any homework she needed. When she was finished her homework she packed the bag for the next day with absolutely everything she needed. Bag then went by the front door ready for the morning.

Anything she needed to take in a carrier bag (stuff for food tech etc) was put into the carrier bag and then the carrier bag was hung on the front door handle so that she couldn’t physically leave the house without touching the bag, which then reminded her to take it

when the homework was done and the bag was packed, the rest of the night was her own and she didn’t need to think about it

it did the a few weeks and a few detentions but it really helped in the long run

“I’ll also get in to trouble if I’m late for work” is your answer

Get her to pack her bag and make lunch the night before and either you or DH check it's been done. Over time the checking can become less. I know she is 12 but some 12 year olds will need a bit of time to learn to do this independently.

I was chronically disorganised throughout school (due to undiagnosed ADHD) but I really don't think having my Mum run around after me would have helped. Strategies like checklists, reminders on Alexa or phones, and packing the night before would have helped. However, she may also need to occasionally get detention to feel it's worth the trouble of using the strategies she has.

She needs a checklist. No amount of sanctions, timers, or consequences of spending the day without something are going to magically fix problems with executive function. You'll know yourself whether she is able to draw up the list herself or if you need to input. My son's checklist has a section for the things he needs every day, then a breakdown by day, e.g. PE kit on a Monday, a seasonal section for coat (yes, for us we need that level of detail), hat, etc. And then a section for things that crop up from time to time, like reply slips and cash. Without the checklist he would take nothing but a handful of Lego to school. With the checklist he is entirely self-sufficient.

This

Firstly, start a routine that she packs her bag each night, and say 30 minutes later you both check she has everything.
Then tell your husband to start taking the forgotten items into school, or dc walks back home to fetch forgotten things. If she's ringing at 8 she has enough time to walk home collect, walk back and still be at school on time