AIBU to feel annoyed my dad funded a cruise but not rent help?

[CheekyRaven]

My dad is widowed and in his 80s. I asked him a year ago if he could loan my niece, his grand daughter (to my estranged brother) £1000 as she was literally on the brink of being evicted. He has the money but refused as 'I might not get it back'.
Fair enough, but she's in his will and I tried to reason that this could be part of her inheritance. He then said he was broke, he's not. I loaned her the money and she repaid me in installments.
Fast forward to now and I find that he's paid for my younger sister and her friend to go on a14 day med cruise.
I'm livid, not because I didn't get to go, but that he wouldn't loan my niece some money.
I get he can spend his money how he likes but AIBU to be annoyed?

Is there more to this? Has he lent her money in the past and not got it back? There will presumably be a reason (good or otherwise) why he chose to do the one thing and not the other. But yes, it’s his call. It’s not like he has to pay for either. A holiday is frivolous compared to rent, I concede.

My Dad is generous with gifts but doesn't do loans. In the cruise situation he would see it as avoiding IHT by giving the money away now. He wouldn't want to take on the worry of neice not paying back a loan and what to do about that.

Maybe his financial situation has changed since neice asked? A bond matured or something?

Is the family esrrnagement relevant here though? That seems the most likely explanation.

Yabu

It’s got zero to do with you how he chooses to spend his money - the brother, his son is estranged so why should he help - maybe your brother should step up

How’s his relationship with his granddaughter in general? Is he also estranged from your brother?

YANBU, it's his money but that does seem unfair.

Is younger sis golden child?

Does he always play favourites?

Is he independent or in a care home?

Completely unreasonable. Other people don’t have to spend their money as you see fit, as you acknowledge yourself. You mention that your niece’s father is ‘estranged’ — from you or from your father? Is this potentially why he felt he might not get the money back?

Well, he’s estranged from the son, not the granddaughter. It would be really quite sad if a grandparent felt the two were one and the same, I think.

We have one of these threads every week about elderly relatives and their decisions on spending their money and we always have a version of your:
'I get he can spend his money how he likes'
The fact is, you don't though, do you.

If how he choses to spend his money anoys you, then it's not unreasonable you be anoyed. If it should make any difference you being anoyed. No it shouldn't.

I am scrupulously fair in money that I give to family, even though I know some need it more than others.

To an extent, sure, but I can absolutely think of a situation in DH’s family where one of his brothers, estranged from his parents and siblings after a lengthy criminal career, would have been encouraging his young adult children not to repay any loans given them by their grandparents. Something like that might be at play here.

Also, my Dad helps those who help themselves and doesn't believe in throwing good money after bad.

So, for example, he pays for an annual short trip for DSis and I, he likes to see us spending time together and sees it as passing on money that would come to us anyway, possibly avoiding IHT on the way. Neither of us has ever asked for help with a financial crisis of our own making.

He'd be less keen to help one of the GC with living costs, especially if the reason they needed the help was poor decision making. Ultimately, if push came to shove, he wouldn't see them homeless, but he wouldn't be quick to solve the problem for them because he wouldn't think that was helpful in the long run.

I have voted YABU. People are allowed to spend their money on gifts without also loaning money. They are 2 different things. £1000 is a lot of money to lend. If she was due to be evicted it would also be reasonable to assume a risk of not getting it back.

Why can't your niece, his grand daughter manage her own finances?

He refused as 'I might not get it back'. Has he past experience of giving her money and not getting it back?

It's one thing to treat someone to a holiday. Quite another to keep pouring money into someone who takes on responsibility for rent then doesn't manage their money sufficiently to either pay the rent or repay someone who loans them money in a tight spot.

People will say you are unreasonable, and I get that its his money etc etc, but in my book, that's not how you treat family. If I had the money and my grandaughter was on the verge of being evicted, I would give her the money - never mind a loan. I do judge people on how they treat others, so I would think less of him.

Quite possibly, yes. And I suppose none of it really changes the fact that grandad can spend his money as he wants to. I was never the favourite child or grandchild, but then I didn’t feel quite so obliged as the others when the elders were looking for help later on. Swings and roundabouts.

You can be annoyed, that’s your call. But it’s not your business . His granddaughter should have asked him herself . Why were you the one to ask?

Firstly you can’t spend someone else’s money like that.
One is a loan, the other is a gift. One is for his daughter, one is not. The suggestion of inheritance was inappropriate imo.

Being livid is up to you, but it’s a waste of your energy. Is it really worth harbouring resentment for? Also if you could lend her the money anyway why did you go to him at all?

I would suppose that he sees your sister and you as his immediate family and can therefore gain more from their enjoyment of his money than another generation down? Depending on the reason and length of time of his estrangement from your DB, perhaps he doesn't know his granddaughter very well?

Yes, does he actually get to see much of his GD, if the request had to come through you? Does she give him any time?

I suspect that it is not as clear cut as you seem to think.
Why were you doing the asking and not your niece?
Why was she not asking her parents?
Why was she on the brink of being evicted?
Is she working? What is she spending her money on?

At the end of the day it is his money and his choice on how he spends it.

I'm putting money on the Op being the eldest daughter, trying to fix everything for everyone, managing the estrangment and throwing heself between every consequence of everyone else's piss poor choices.

Yes people can spend money on whoever they like, leave their money to whoever they like, invite whoever they like to their wedding etc

The point is that all these actions have consequences and for a lot of people who act like this, they never think of the consequences or think that consequences don’t apply to them

Presumably this man is still able to look after himself but one day he might not.
Is he expecting you or your younger sister to look after him.

I am going to say he will expect you to step up.

He won’t see that there was any problem between not lending money to his grandchild when she was facing homelessness and paying for a non family member to go on holiday

It does seem unfair but does he have a reason ie has your niece bad money sense, has he favourites, what's his rationale?

Whatever, you're just going to have to live with his decision and his niece will have to manage the best she can.

Maybe because she didn't ask him herself, she sent you to do it. Why did you ask him anyway if you could lend her it.

Is your dad punishing his granddaughter for the sins of her father?