AIBU to feel annoyed my dad funded a cruise but not rent help?

[CheekyRaven]

My dad is widowed and in his 80s. I asked him a year ago if he could loan my niece, his grand daughter (to my estranged brother) £1000 as she was literally on the brink of being evicted. He has the money but refused as 'I might not get it back'.
Fair enough, but she's in his will and I tried to reason that this could be part of her inheritance. He then said he was broke, he's not. I loaned her the money and she repaid me in installments.
Fast forward to now and I find that he's paid for my younger sister and her friend to go on a14 day med cruise.
I'm livid, not because I didn't get to go, but that he wouldn't loan my niece some money.
I get he can spend his money how he likes but AIBU to be annoyed?

Different things, one is a treat the other is subbing someone's living costs. Unless your niece became suddenly very ill and unable to work, he is of the generation where rent and bills must be paid before anything else. Even old Martin Lewis with mortgages says it's important to have a cushion of 3-6 months when it comes to mortgage payments if something were to happen, his generation would be thinking that way.

Yeah, it seems unfair but not much you can do about it, not worth falling out over.

It would depend on why she is on the verge of being evicted. If she spent her money on non essential things instead of rent, I would be reluctant to lend her the money.

Sounds like the cruise was a gift rather than a loan? I can totally see why someone might be prepared to give a generous gift as a one off, but not want to be on the hook for living expenses and potentially have to fall out with the relatives to get the money back and/ or end up being constantly asked for rent/ money for bills etc.

It’s great that you were able to support your niece but your dad may also think that for day to day living expenses it’s important for people to stand on their own feet and not rely on others. I think my parents would have been the same- I would always have had a bed there, but no way would they be paying for my rent/ bills.

Yes exactly that. I actually think refusing is the stronger decision. My young adult son is renting with his GF. I think in this situation the right thing would be to say let the place go and come home until you've learmed to manage your money. Whether I'd be strong enough to say no is another thing.

Was he an involved df when you were young?
Exh never lost a minutes sleep when our 3 dc were babies....
He'd always answer the door to the health visitor brandishing a bathed/dressed baby as if he'd done that himself..
Did your df pay for the thing that gave him the most glory?

Questions:

1. Why didn't either of her parents help?
2. If you were - as you apparently were - able to loan the money, why didn't you do that in the first place? Why was it your father's job to do this?

Do you know why she was nearly evicted, is she usually good with money. Had she asked her parents first then you, why didn't she ask grandad herself?

It does seem unfair but obviously not to him. Maybe the rift with his son was to do about money and your dad didn’t get to see his granddaughter much and feels she’s sniffing about for money or it’s the job of her own father to loan her money. He treated his daughter and a friend to a holiday, maybe it was a loan or a gift but it’s his prerogative to spend his money As he sees fit. Luckily for your niece she has you but it sounds like your dad will not appreciate being told what he can do with his money. Has your dad played favourites with you and siblings by splashing the cash before?

Why didn’t you just loan your niece the money in the first place instead of trying to get someone else to do it?

I’ve had little or no money up until the last 10 years. I’m 60 , husband had a good job , kids flown nest and I have an inheritence meaning we can now find our dream house , not huge but all done up, maintenance free , garage , lovely garden etc . Can’t wait to move in and enjoy our twilight years . I still , work and likely to u til I retire , same with Husband . We are saving a bit for holidays etc . Have seen over the years how all our family are with money . Sons great and a saver, 1 daughter goes through money like water and is constantly buying stuff she doesn’t need , swapping sofas after a couple of years , etc and always asking for loans , other son struggles and only asks if he really needs it . What I’m trying to say is it’s his money , he’s worked hard for it , who he lends or gives it to is no one’s business . I’ve had hints dropped about other family members needing money but it falls on deaf ears, we had nothing when we started and don’t see why we should give away money that we want to keep for financial security . I think he’s prob doing the same

Your dad did the right thing

It’s not helpful to enable adults to be shite with money and get bailed out

It’s nice to treat family to nice things

First up, well done for helping out your niece, she'll feel supported and grateful, it was a good thing to do.

Sure it wasn't kind of your dad to say no but it's his money and his choice. I don't know if there have been other examples in the past where she's not paid him back or he doesn't trust her. The estranged brother element suggests there's more bad blood in that direction.

Exactly this, plus if she’s old enough to pay rent she is old enough to ask people on her own behalf for a loan, not to go through other people, smacks of not facing up to her own responsibility to use third parties.

Her needing £1,000 to avoid eviction suggests that she's shite with money and that your dad made a good call.

Even if she's just skint rather than bad with money, she'd no doubt need another £1,000 in a couple of months time.

A gift is different to a loan. But even that aside, I feel like there's more to this story. She didn't ask her parents? Her father, your brother, is estranged from everyone? You had to ask the grandfather for her? I don't think we have enough information to make a call on this. It's a strange situation.

I wouldn’t give a loan to anyone who is terrible with money.

A gift is different.

How old is she and how did she get into this position?

On the face of it, it sounds very sad indeed.

In his position, I’d have just given the £1000 as a gift.

I remember being fresh out of uni, obviously with no money, and my Db was at uni literally unable to eat. I used to send him my £2.50 Sainsbury’s nectar vouchers. £2.50 was a lot more then than it is now and you could eat with that. My dad went on six holidays with his mistress that year. We don't speak.

I'm assuming the estrangement with your brother (the niece's father) has more than a little to do with it?

Your Dad's comment about not receiving the money back...is there any truth in that?! Is your niece someone who frequently ends up needing to be bailed out? Is she poor with money? Therefore, it's likely your Dad would never see a penny of his money again. Is it possible his thinking is that if your niece is bailed out, she's still not learning to stand on her own two feet and manage her money?

Equally, is your sister the golden child, who can do no wrong?

I think you need to provide more context here. On the face of it, yes it seems unfair. However, you can't dictate how your Dad spends his money.

I think if my granddaughter needed a loan but clearly didn’t have a relationship with me (to the point where her aunt made the request for money on her behalf) I would probably think that I’m only being used as a bank. Not only that, but by someone who, despite needing my help, is still not prepared to talk to me (and I would extend that to the estranged son, who is indirectly asking for this if he can’t help his daughter). I can see why you might say no in these circumstances.

I can also see, even if none of this was a factor, that you might be happy to spend money on your own children (your sister) but not extend that to the next generation directly. The wills of many people, I would say, pass on money to their children rather than making provisions for the younger generation(s) as they would know their children will sort out their own children, just as they have. So not unreasonable to take same approach while living.

Why are you blaming OP's niece for her father being estranged from the family?

And why would you assume the niece doesn't have a relationship with her grand father?

Without knowing significant detail its impossible to say there are some relatives i would never give money to due to irresponsible spending, being in an abusive relationship, past lending, drug use ect. Also a granddaughter is not a daughter there's a difference. I'd also be a lot more generous to relatives who actually helped me and where around regularly rather then ones that pop up when they need something. Im not saying anything ive written is the case but don't ever assume you know everything about your family

Seems unreasonable unless there is a back story.
What are the reasons for the rent arrears?

His money, his choice.