AIBU to say no to my ex's niece on my week?

[Rhodeisland]

Am I being petty here? I share custody of my daughter with my ex 50/50. On my week which is this week, my Ex’s niece (in her 20s) wants to take my daughter (14) to an event for a few hours on Friday evening/night but I would have to drop her and pick her up afterwards. I don’t usually have a problem with this if there’s a family party or something that can’t be rearranged but this niece would blank me on the street if she saw me (or any other member of my family - same goes for all my ex in laws actually but I rise about that for my daughter). I really want to put my foot down and say no I’m not dropping you to meet her and I’m not picking you up after the event for someone who doesn’t acknowledge my existence even though I’ve been in her life since she was a baby but would I be wrong to do that to my daughter? Who’s not even pushed on going to be honest but feels forced by her dad to go. It would be the first time I’ve said no but I’m sick of them all, including my ex, for just not respecting my time with my daughter. I’m being petty aren’t I?

Sounds like it’s time for you to be assertive with your ex and his family. Then perhaps your DD will follow your lead?

You have demonstrated to her your whole life to appease your ex and then you seem disappointed that she is doing the same. It’s easy to see how and why this has happened to facilitate Co-parenting with harmony but the reality is that you’ve been more of a doormat.

You are not being unreasonable but I would leave it up to your daughter.

if she does want to go with her cousin then it would be worth taking her even if the cousin is annoying

I would suck it up and drive your daughter. She doesn't need to know about your feelings around this, it would only make her feel bad.

Chalk it up to one that your ex owes you if there's something you or yours would like to do with her on his time

Ffs woman! This is about YOUR relationship with YOUR DAUGHTER

you’re only thinking of being difficult because it’s related to your ex.

its on your week, you’re on the hook for the activities she needs to get to. If she wants to go, it’s just down the road, just think of her happiness and take her/pick her up. Facilitate her enjoyment of life. Don’t be difficult just to get at someone else, she’s the only one who suffers.

and I also don’t like that you mention she takes it out on you if her dad’s unhappy.

stamp that one out right away. “DD, I can’t regulate your dad’s feelings on any given subject, and I’m not doing anything to make things worse, it’s up to him to work these feelings through. He’s not entitled to take things out on you, and you are not entitled to take things out on me. I’m not discussing this further, it ends now.”

shut that shit down.

Surely it’s about what the daughter wants in this case? She’s 15, not 5! She should have a say in her own social life.

If she doesn’t want to go, by all means she should say no to the niece. But if she does want to go then she shouldn’t be prevented from enjoying herself.

It sounds like your daughter doesn't really want to go so you saying no is her way out. Put your foot down.

Only you know how keen your daughter is.

So if we take you at your word, and she’s not keen - sure, say you won’t do it. Although sounds like your daughter will come under fire.

And if you are telling us porkies and your daughter is actually very keen - then, well, you’re the problem. But your “punishment” will be a daughter who’s in a foul mood with you on Friday night and probably over the weekend

What would you do if this was a twenty-something friend who was not related to your daughter - say, someone she'd met doing a hobby or sport and she asked you to drop and collect her for a meet-up? 14 may be borderline but (especially if she can't get around independently) I'd still be actively parenting and I'd want to make sure she understands that you don't condone the outrageous rudeness, don't want to normalise it, and are wary of her potentially being negatively influenced by it. If you're satisfied that she understands this already, I'd acknowledge your feelings that you're hesitant about the relationship but still offer to take her if she genuinely wants to go. It seems very weird to me that the dad is involved and invested, though, to the extent that your daughter might fear upsetting her dad by saying no to the invitation - if there's a genuine relationship between the two cousins, why doesn't Rude Cousin just invite your daughter directly and ask her to figure out how to get to the match if RC is unable to pick her up and drop her?

Op I think you are making a bit of a meal of this. Just say she's free to go but you aren't available to take her and drop her off and leave that ball in their court. No need for all this back and forth.

Totally daughters call if she wants to go or not

I am probably reading this wrong but when your daughter is with you - she is exclusively with you? She doesn’t see her friends or whilst living with you not do hobbies/sport etc? If she does how is her going to an event with her cousin any different? You just want her family to schedule event's/things for her to do with them on their time? I do t think this in itself is unreasonable but if it’s something like a treat/band/seasonal event and it’s only on when she is with you, then should would have to miss out as it’s not their time?
your young niece is rude but she is young and immature- you are hopefully not - so do rise above it. You have no relationship with the ex family anymore- your child does.

I would try not to base the decision on you niece’s treatment of you but on what your DD really feels about going and whether you’d normally be happy to do the schlepping around as a taxi for an event like this if it were someone else.

it sounds like DD might actually appreciate you being an excuse not to go, though. Which gives you an immediate out from any feeling that you ought to.

I'd try to sort it because it's not good for a kid to see this. Does this woman blame you for the break up? Maybe your ex said stuff that wasn't true, so if that is the case, explain it, sya if he cheated but said you did, so find out why she's got such a problem, and correct any version he said. If she is still rude, and blames you for stuff he's done, I wouldn't bother trying to get the kid to see her.

GIF your daughter doesn’t even want to go then I wouldn’t think twice about saying no.

If things were reversed and you wanted your daughter to go to an event while she's with her dad for the week, how would you expect him to respond? Would he happily give up an evening with her and do all the transport? There's your answer.

There hard work ex family members aren't they i feel your pain... for the sake of your daughter feeling uncomfortable or in the middle you could agree to whats been asked.. I would speak to the niece myself and say in future you don't plan things for dd on my time this is the last time im letting her go.. and tell your ex aswell x

I think encourage your dd to be honest with our ex and his family. Agree with Tuesdayschild50
"... for the sake of your daughter feeling uncomfortable or in the middle you could agree to whats been asked.. I would speak to the niece myself and say in future you don't plan things for dd on my time this is the last time im letting her go.. and tell your ex aswell"

I told her to tell her dad that I would drop her and he could bring her back to me but she said no dad has already decided he will meet you half way!!!
i obviously always take my daughter to her hobbies and to meet her friends when she is with me of course and I have accommodated her going places with her dad also on my time and meeting her later than normal for pick up etc but it annoys me that he is still making all the decisions like he did when we were married!! I had a wedding to go to the last week my daughter was with me and I organized other arrangements for someone to stay with her instead of asking her dad to take her back early. I never unless absolutely necessary disturb his week while with her or without her. If one of my relatives asks me can my daughter go somewhere with them while she is with her dad, I will say she is with her dad that week but I will say it to her. If my daughter wants to go to said event then I will arrange the transport part of it as it is me taking her away from her dad during his week. I just feel it’s respectful but him or his family have never had respect for me and 2 years later it is still going on. I’m not mad at the niece to be honest, she’s only in her early 20s and has been listening to only one side of the story but it’s my ex I’m more pissed at. I actually have no problem dropping my daughter and collecting her after the match tonight but it’s more the principle of the thing now! Dad has already decided how she is going and getting back to me without even asking me!!

And now my daughter is mad at me because I won’t agree to what her dad had already decided. Can’t win

You need to tell your DD & ex to stop making plans and decisions between them and your ex needs to ask & discuss with you. Also perhaps have a blanket run that the standard expectation is that he does all the pick up and drop off and that normal handovers are meet half way as per the court order.

You are battling a long standing presumption that you will do what they want.

He wants to meet half way and do a 10 minute drive?

He is absolutely a controlling twat.

What you offered was more than fair. If you give in to this he will keep taking advantage and it teaches your dd that it’s women who do all the accommodating.

Your ex deciding to make you drive 10 mins so he can then take her the further 10 mins is really baffling. It makes far more sense to follow your suggestion since you’ll both end up driving the same amount of time with his anyway.

He can fuck off with that half way shite. He just wants to ruin your night.

I think you sound childish. If your daughter wants to go, then it being with her cousin is irrelevant as by your own admission you'd have no hesitation if she were going with friends.

I think your approach is also quite weird. In the week you each have your daughter with you you're responsible for her so it's bizarre to expect the other parent to come ferrying her about.

It sounds like your dislike of your ex and his family is clear to your daughter and it must be quite stressful for her.

youre still playing his games @Rhodeisland

stop fucking letting him have any input into your arrangements.

take her, pick her up, then he can’t have any input or opportunity to get at you.

pull the rug from under him, he wants to make you look the bad guy in any way shape or form

your suggestion was a good one, but him doing the return gives him the opportunity to make ripples in your plan.

so “thanks for the half way hand over offer, that seems like a lot of faff, let’s leave it, I’ll drop her and pick her up”

cut him out of all the arrangements- you won’t enable him to paint you as difficult