AIBU to say no to my ex's niece on my week?

[Rhodeisland]

Am I being petty here? I share custody of my daughter with my ex 50/50. On my week which is this week, my Ex’s niece (in her 20s) wants to take my daughter (14) to an event for a few hours on Friday evening/night but I would have to drop her and pick her up afterwards. I don’t usually have a problem with this if there’s a family party or something that can’t be rearranged but this niece would blank me on the street if she saw me (or any other member of my family - same goes for all my ex in laws actually but I rise about that for my daughter). I really want to put my foot down and say no I’m not dropping you to meet her and I’m not picking you up after the event for someone who doesn’t acknowledge my existence even though I’ve been in her life since she was a baby but would I be wrong to do that to my daughter? Who’s not even pushed on going to be honest but feels forced by her dad to go. It would be the first time I’ve said no but I’m sick of them all, including my ex, for just not respecting my time with my daughter. I’m being petty aren’t I?

Your ex should facilitate all this.

You see the thing is, she may say she wants to go because of pressure from her Dad, AND she may be saying she's not bothered about going to you, because of pressure from you. Poor kid is in a no-win situation and probably can't tease out what SHE would really like to do because of the antagonism between her parents and their respective families.

Take her or at least help her to get there, by taxi, and try to be as neutral as possible. Not easy I know, but it's helping her keep contact with part of her family, and she's old enough to appreciate how they are behaviing towards you and to judge them accordingly

I agree but he will not be happy about that and my daughter will pick up on that and take it out on me. Should I suggest that to my daughter that her dad or his niece come pick her up and drop her (and explain my reasons for it?) or just be blunt and say no if they want you to go then it’s up to them to do the picking up and dropping off?

Take and fetch her. It's 20 mins each way not a 4 hour round trip. And yes - sorry this now does sound as if your being petty and it's your DD in the middle of this

I would look at it simply as giving your dd a lift to an event. I know it's your time with her but she's 14, she's going to want to go out when she's living with you. Put aside the fact that she is going with someone you don't much like. As long as you have no safeguarding isses then I think you just need to let it go.

When does your 50/50 time with your DD change over, can your ex collect her this once as it'll be no school the next day.

What would piss me off would be the niece that doesn’t give me the time of day making plans for my DD to go to an event yet expecting me to do the running around, that's a no.

Your DD is 14 if she doesn't want to go and has a good relationship with her Aunt she's old enough to give her reason and explain why she doesn't want to.
It might be better coming from her.

I’d be entirely guided by my daughter, at 14 she’s old enough to make the decisions now.
If it’s only 20min each way I’d do it if she wanted, but she’d have to tell them no if she doesn’t.

Yes, I think it's fair to tell your dd that you're happy for her to go if they pick and drop her.

Does ex not drive? Why can't he get her?

I'd be awkward enough to make the point but not stop her.

"Yeah, fine, get niece to text me about nit and we'll sort otnout between ourselves"

As in, I'll support DD going but her aunt needs to act like an adult as well. If she can't then it will bite her.

He does but he would never make things easy for me by doing that

OMG they are taking the piss!

He needs to do the pick and drop!

Stay firm, OP. Your dd should see you model assertiveness.

Try to view it from a different perspective. Your daughter has been offered the chance to go out, she is 14 so will need to be taken and collected, same would happen if it was a friend’s mum who had arranged it. You’re focusing on the niece and your feelings about her rather than your daughter.

my daughter will pick up on that and take it out on me

It sounds like you are everybody's whipping boy OP. Does you dd always take it out on you when her father's behaviour towards her is unreasonable?

Personally i think if she really wants to go then you agree but it's entirely up to them to pick her up and drop her back.

So why make things easy for him? But your DD seems to wavering on whether she actually wants to go or not. Get her to make a decision one way or the other and half the stress is lifted anyway. If she does go point out to her that she is not beholden to other peoples feelings as to going or not. So shouldn't feel guilty whatever decision she makes.
If she does go - just take her - it's not so far but I do understand your feelings about it but ultimately you are better than all the ex's family who choose to blank you.

Surely your ex or his niece can pick her up and drop? You facilitate by not blocking her from going but you don't need to do the grunt work
I'm a bit shocked that earlier posters suggested that you should.

I can't imagine a world where DH would have expected his ex to drive DSDs to see his family!

If the niece wants this to happen she either does it on the other parent's time or the weeks are swapped so that the OP does not lose contact with the daughter. The niece and the ex in-laws are trying to bully the OP into reducing contact.

Your daughter's at that age where that 50/50 starts being more and more encroached by her social diary and free time choices and her friends and interests. And it's hard. I have a stepchild whose social life started limiting the time she spent with us, but because she lived with her mum the majority of time, and her school friends were in that town, she just gradually dropped the nights she was with us. It did hurt and it was really sad to see the impact on her relationship with her younger siblings.

What does your daughter want to do? Is this a thing she really wants to go to? I wouldn't block it if there'd be any resentment coming your way. She's an independent person and that 50/50 does get harder when you have to take her preferences into account.

Oh hang on, I've just reread your post and it doesn't sound like your daughter actually wants to go? She needs to be the one who says this though to the cousin.

I read a reply on here the other day on something else and it was something about being the adult in a situation, rising above, killing it with kindness. I totally get why you don't like your ex's family for their behaviour with you but your best weapon is to be the better person. If you lean into the blanking and the rudeness you're as bad as them and it just gives them more negative fodder about you. Be better than that to their faces. (You can still bitch and moan about them to your friends and family!)

Yes you are being petty

who is it about you or your daughter? Who’s been invited you or your daughter. Don’t spite your daughter because of your own feelings you need to put your child first

She's 14 not 2! Rigid contact schedules put in place when children are young aren't fit for purpose for teens who have their own social lives and ideas about what they do and don't need supervision.
Swapping weeks is a huge overreaction to a 14 year old going out with her cousin for an evening!

I'm guessing the event is this Friday, and it's not on any other time? Therefore, the event happens to fall on your weekend, rather than it being deliberately booked on your weekend.

If your daughter has now told her Dad that she wants to go, it would now be wrong if you to say No. If your daughter wasn't fussed about going, then really at 15, you need to be encouraging her to put boundaries in place. That means her saying to her Dad 'Thanks for the offer Dad, and please say to X I appreciate her thinking of me, but I don't want to go, it's not my thing/not interested in'. I know that can be hard, but it's something she has to learn to do herself, with your support. That way, it's not coming from you, and you can't be accused of interfering or influencing her.

Take and pick your daughter up. However, have a chat with her about it being OJK for her to say No.

He's your ex for a reason: you are no longer beholden to him. I'd say your child can go but only if their Dad can drop off/collect.

It's his family and he can drive. I wouldn't let my ex dictate to me and your daughter can still go as long as he cares enough to take her.

But it's not you he'll be doing it for, it's his DD.

Does your DD know her Dad uses her to get to you?

It’s not an event that will only be happening once in a lifetime. It’s a match. A sport my daughter is interested in but it’s not going to be the only game on all year! This isn’t the first time something has happened that requires my daughter to go to her dads early or for a family occasion and I’ve always been accommodating and done the dropping off picking up etc or collected her from her dads when he’s supposed to meet me half way every week, just because he was out or something and frankly im just sick of it. I wish my daughter was more assertive with my ex as she is damn well assertive with me when she wants to be 😆 but I can understand the way this family can make you feel and how overpowering they are. I will chat with her again after school. Thanks for all the advice

This is one of those moments were you are totally not unreasonable to be pissed off and you absolutely should be able to expect your ex to facilitate by collecting and dropping off, but you might have to suck it up for the benefit of your daughter while having a large glass of wine and ranting to a friend about these fuckwits.

If she wants to go I would facilitate this. If not, I’d expect her to tell her father herself,
Theres going to be many more occasions when this issue will come up as she gets older too.