AIBU to say no to my ex's niece on my week?

[Rhodeisland]

Am I being petty here? I share custody of my daughter with my ex 50/50. On my week which is this week, my Ex’s niece (in her 20s) wants to take my daughter (14) to an event for a few hours on Friday evening/night but I would have to drop her and pick her up afterwards. I don’t usually have a problem with this if there’s a family party or something that can’t be rearranged but this niece would blank me on the street if she saw me (or any other member of my family - same goes for all my ex in laws actually but I rise about that for my daughter). I really want to put my foot down and say no I’m not dropping you to meet her and I’m not picking you up after the event for someone who doesn’t acknowledge my existence even though I’ve been in her life since she was a baby but would I be wrong to do that to my daughter? Who’s not even pushed on going to be honest but feels forced by her dad to go. It would be the first time I’ve said no but I’m sick of them all, including my ex, for just not respecting my time with my daughter. I’m being petty aren’t I?

does the ex niece expect a lift too?

I would ask your daughter if she wants to go first and if she says yes, drop your daughter and pick her up. tell 'niece' she has to make her own arrangements.

This Isn’t about you, it’s about the time your daughter spends with her wider family. I understand it’s your time but I wouldn’t block my daughter seeing her if that’s what she wants to do. You don’t have to like the niece.

Your daughter wants to go?

Then heck yes I’d suck up my personal beef with someone who is treating my daughter like this

If your daughter wants to go, you're being unreasonable for saying no. It's good she has the love and Inclusion of her extended family.

I’d leave it to your Dd to decide and say you’ll support either way, if she doesn’t want to go then don’t facilitate. But it does sound like this is slightly the straw that is breaking the camels back and there’s a lot of context to this. So I’d tighten boundaries more in general. Is it a long drive to drop and pick up?

If your daughter wants to go, you put aside your personal feelings and facilitate her going. If you don't want to drive, can't her father pick her up and drop her off?

would I be wrong to do that to my daughter? Who’s not even pushed on going to be honest but feels forced by her dad to go.
If she doesn't want to go then back her up. Teach her that it's OK to have boundaries, to says 'no' to pressure.

Edit: spelling

If DD wants to go, I'd facilitate that.

If DD doesn't want to go, I'd let the neice think her treatment of me was the reason DD "couldn't" go.

I’d leave it up to your daughter if she wants to go.

I’d go with whatever your daughter wants tbh

Your OP sounds like she’s not that bothered, in which case probably YANBU, but I’d give her the choice

why does the niece blank you?

did you have an affair or something? ie are you being blamed for the divorce and all on his side have a pact to never speak to you again or what? is that dh’s doing “dont speak to my bitch ex” and theyve all to comply? all very childish.

if your daughter wants to go i’d suck it up.

if she’s not fussed i’d suggest dh do drop off and pick up “so there’s no discomfort for niece who blanks me for no reason”. maybe if hes told her to blank you he will now tell her not to as it’s now affecting him (poor wee sausage boo hoo) and that’ll be a way forward?

is the niece just wanting to take dc because she herself needs a lift and it’s a means to an end to get your help?

I personally wouldn't do anything for Someone who blanks me. Let her dad deal with his own family if they're twats

If my daughter really wanted to go I wouldn't say no just to spite someone else.
Maybe I'd think differently if niece was expecting me to chauffeur them both around without her bothering to be polite to me.

Are you expected to give your ex’s niece a lift too? I’d say no to that, but I don’t care who I upset in my ex’s family fuck em.
Does your daughter want to go? If it’s just dropping her off and picking her up then I would. Is it far?

It’s not too far maybe about 20 minutes by car each way and no the niece will be making her own way there and back

She told me this morning she wasn’t pushed on going but felt she had to because of her dad. When she asked me at first I said of course you can go so she rang her dad and said she’d go but after this morning and thinking about it overnight it’s pissing me off a bit

Could she just be saying this because she knows you wouldn’t like it?

It’s a 20 min drive, so I would just suck it up and take her - as she gets bigger she will want to spend a lot of your weekends with friends anyway so I think you’re being clouded by who this friend is and not that it’s happening on your time - if it’s an event then the date is the date unfortunately

I would try to treat it as if it was any other arrangement. If your daughter wants to go and you would normally give her a lift, then do it for this. You’re not doing anything for your ex-niece, you’re doing something for your daughter.

And your daughter wants to go?

FGS yes Op - do it

If she's not bothered then I would say no, your ex can do the donkey work if he cares so much.

I think the compromise has to be that you say she can go but that ex would need to pick and drop your dd off, or niece needs to come and collect her in a taxi if niece doesn't drive.

You are absolutely right to be cold do people who blank you.

If your daughter wants to go, then take her. If not, don’t. Your feelings about the niece, and her feelings about you, are beside the point here. She may be saying she doesn’t want to go because she’s picked up on your feelings, though, so I’d be careful there.

My worry here is whether she doesn't want to put you out and is saying she is not pushed more to spare your feelings and effort than because she doesn't want to go.

I will be always be the bad guy for for my teens if they need a get out, but is she just tying to navigate between what you and your ex want rather than telling you what she wants?

Neither of you should be doing it solely for your ex-niece.

I'd leave the decision entirely up to your daughter. If she wants to go, then suck up your personal feelings. If she doesn't then she shouldn't be going just to placate her dad.

It’s up to your daughter. Your co-parenting issues aren’t her problem. If she wants to go then facilitate it. If she doesn’t want to go then tell your ex this.