To take ds out of school he hates?

[SillyHammer]

I don’t really know where else to ask this tbh. My DS is 12 and has just started year 7 and I am starting to think we have a much bigger problem than I realised.

He has had a really rough time health wise since he was little. He was born with kidney problems and things got worse and worse as he got older. Covid came when he was in reception and obviously that was a weird time for everyone but for him it was when his health really started going downhill. He ended up having very long stays in hospital, needed a transplant and was really really poorly at one point. He had sepsis as well and his heart was affected when he was so ill. He also has epilepsy. He has had his transplant now and thankfully is much more stable than he was, although we still have hospital appointments etc.

The problem is he missed loads of primary school. I mean loads. There were times he was in hospital for weeks and then he’d be home recovering and then back in again. We did what we could with school work but honestly when your child is that ill school isn’t really the first thing you’re thinking about. His primary were very good and always said he was doing well considering everything, so I don’t think I ever really took in just how much he’d missed.

Now he’s started year 7 and it’s like it’s all caught up with him at once. He hates school. At first I thought it was just him settling in but he’s started bunking off lessons with the other lads. He walks around the corridors instead of going to class, hangs around with older boys and there have been days where he hasn’t gone in at all. His attendance is 78% already and a lot of that is because he is actually bunking off with the other lads rather than being ill.

School have obviously noticed and we’ve had calls and meetings and he’s had detentions and other consequences. They know all about his medical history and the amount of school he’s missed. They have said they’ll monitor how behind he is but have actually offered him a tutor to help him catch up but he won’t engage with it. He doesn’t want to stay after school either and just says he wants to go home. I’ve tried explaining that the extra help is there because he’s missed so much but he just gets angry and says he doesn’t need it.

He’s changed at home as well. He used to be quite an easy going kid considering everything he’s been through. Now he comes home late and if I ask where he’s been he’ll swear at me or tell me to fuck off. He slams his door, refuses to do homework and keeps saying he’s not going back the next day. Sometimes he’s lovely and you can see he’s still my little boy underneath it all, then something sets him off and he’s horrible.

I honestly don’t know if this is just 12 year old behaviour mixed with starting secondary school or whether we’ve got a child who has basically fallen so far behind that he can’t cope with what’s being asked of him.

I’ve started wondering about home education and I don’t know if I’m being completely ridiculous. Part of me thinks take him out before his attendance gets even worse, let him calm down, work out exactly what he can and can’t do and let him learn at his own pace.

But then another part of me thinks taking him out when he’s already refusing school and bunking off is the worst possible thing I could do. What happens when he decides he doesn’t want to do the home education either? I’d be left trying to teach a 12 year old who has missed loads of primary education and is already very angry with me. And I’m on my own with him so it’s not like I can tag team it with someone else.

I don’t want him to spend the next few years getting detentions and being labelled as badly behaved when really there’s a massive gap underneath it all. But I also don’t want to make things worse by taking him out.

I’m honestly completely stuck with this.

Therapy. He needs therapy to process everything, that’s why he’s acting like this. He’s not processing anymore.

‘Figure it out from there’ is no kind of plan. What expertise is suddenly going to emerge when he’s at home all day playing up and she’s got the whole Y7 curriculum to tackle herself on top of his behaviour and MH issues that she’s already at a loss to deal with? Sorry but I think there needs to be a much clearer plan than take him out and see what happens.

It is pretty shit that he was not getting support as a special education student in primary. His absence and illness should have been noted as needs based support even without a neurological diagnosis.
My DS has an autoimmune condition, plus Sen. He’s a bit younger. I pay €30 on a Friday for a tutor. It’s expensive for us, she’s a college student charges 15 per hour. If you access something similar.

He sounds traumatised and frightened. He has gone through a huge amount of very difficult experiences in his life, as a proportion of his life so far it is very significant. Speak to the schools pastoral team and SENCo. Apply for an EHCP-he has missed a lot and is very far behind plus his mental health is struggling. He needs the option of alternative/ extra provision to build him back up to where he needs to be and all together during a tricky time in any child’s life with increased independence, puberty, friendships etc. Speak to the school. Good luck.

You taking him out of school would make this worse unless you are able to fully catch him up by teaching him yourself.
I feel this is a recipe for disaster. He could end up NEET.
Support from school. Strong discipline at home and work with him on an evening to catch up.
Reading as a minimum.
Ground him so can't hang out with bad influences.
Moving to another school is another option but this may be refused if his behaviour is poor.

This is possibly less important than whether her son will engage with home education. Learning a little at home would be better than learning nothing at school and getting in with the wrong crowd to boot.

But its a high risk strategy if he's already aggressive and rebellious.

This. He needs Therapy.

Yes it was basically first suggestion but Op has said explicitly that no money to do that

Unless posters have experience with bad schools full of young people ready to start their life acting the fool before moving on to more serious actions then I would not be advising OP to keep him in this school.
OP can you transfer to a better area? Secondary school makes the child.
I moved my DD from a wild school after 1st year, she has a bit of a hike in the morning, but it’s been worth every minute. She’s on her last year this year and has an amazing group of friends who enjoy learning.

I think home schooling in this circumstance could do more damage than good. He needs therapy because you need to know what his issues are. I would focus your energies in getting him professional support.

Why are you working only pt? Can you work full time and that would bring in more money for some therapy? Can you change schools to get him away from the bad crowd? Home education sounds like a bad idea.

@SillyHammer- I think as a first step, I’d investigate the other local schools. You need somewhere that’s stricter. Where students aren’t allowed out of class to wander the corridors, where you’ll be called the minute he hasn’t turned up so you can track him down etc.

Be careful of a school encouraging you to home educate a low attendance child, they are under pressure to get their attendance figures up and getting a child off the books who’s dragging down the average would be an easy win.

You’ll need extra money for therapy. He needs it more than anything. It’s awful the hospital didn’t refer him years ago to help through his illness.
Public services are shit. Is there any community service for MH in your local area with volunteers?

I would look at other schools. Not every school fits every child. He may need a nurture unit as pp has mentioned. Essentially someone needs to identify what his strengths are and where he is behind. Then from that there needs to be a clear plan. He can catch up, but it needs to be within a supportive environment that meets his emotional needs. He sounds angry and that may come from a realisation that he is behind and a fear of failing. Chuck transition into that mix plus growing up and new friends and you end up with a very volatile situation. As a first thing to do I would go back to his school and meet with them again.

He has been through a huge amount. Being behind in school will make it worse, but I doubt it's as simple as that. I would contact charities that deal with kidney transplants for kids and get their advice and see what help they can offer.
When we go through a very tough time as your boy has, it's when things get better that the feelings from the tough time often cone out. He is expressive his anger and confusion at what he has been through plus being behind at school. If school was the only issue he would take up the tutor. It's not, this is more complex.

If the OP is working full time then who's going to be going to meetings with the school, or taking her son to his medical appointments or keeping him from his bad crowd?

It is the poverty trap. If OP increases her hours, she would lose any top up benefits plus most importantly she has a high needs child.

But if she’s a cleaner, I assume self-employed, there should be some flexibility in the hours she works.

I think the number one rule of therapy, from what I understand anyway (and I am cynical to be honest) is that the person has to want to engage with it, and this young man doesn’t.

It is also extremely expensive; fine if you have a spare few hundred lying around you can afford to potentially lose but this isn’t the case for most of us.

@SillyHammer I am really sorry you’re going through this. I think asking his school for some guidance would be a good start but one thing I wil say is that it isn’t you. Many children find the step from primary to secondary quite difficult and seem to completely change for a number of years.

You and your son have had a very rough time, OP. I am pleased he is in a better place with his health.

His school transition has not been handled well - it may be that primary didn't set this up well, secondary wasn't geared up for him or doesn't have the resources.

Truanting in school is something that school need to deal with. It should not be possible for him to be wandering corridors with older pupils.

Board game social skills - what is it he dislikes about these sessions? Is he able to make suggestions for other activities or changing the groups he is paired with? Is there a clear "exit plan" for finishing these - if he can demonstrate x, y and z then he doesn't have to go any more?

After school tuition - I totally understand your DC's reluctance for this. From the school's pov they don't want him missing other lessons and falling further behind. Can you push them to accept that in order to meet his educational needs, appropriate provision needs to be made for his learning within school hours. If this school can't accommodate that, can you work with them to look at other schools or alternative provisions?

I don't think that homeschool will solve all of the big issues here. And may create or contribute to more. Obviously your DC's health and mental health is more important. But being further isolated from peers, not having expert tuition, not addressing his anger and trauma experiences, risking further damage to your parent-child relationship by trying to be teacher too and the financial impact from further reducing your p/t hours are not trivial issues. "Just keep him home with you", while a nice, cozy reassuring thought does not sound practical with no longer term plan.

Do you think (understandably) because of what he’s been through you’ve let him off things in the past? Is this the first sign of rude behaviour to you or was he like this before? You need a consequences for telling you to F off. He also needs a set time he needs to be home for. If he wants his phone/wifi/pocket money then he can’t treat you like that.

Take him out

I've worked with kids with significant illnesses and lots of time in hospital .

I have no idea what services are like where you are but youth services here, with 1:1 support have helped build self esteem and get kids back into school.I've had a a couple of children where social care has funded EMDR therapy which helped significantly with the trauma they experienced.

It might be worth going to special services and asking for help to manage his behaviour if school aren't giving you the answers you need.

This.
Have not read the full thread.

I am a retired 2ndary teacher and SENCO. I do not advise trying to home educate your son, but to devote the rest of the school year to getting this sorted out by using a two-pronged approach.

1. Get on to current school. Ask to meet in person and ASAP his Head of Year, Form Tutor and Senco, perhaps also a Deputy Head. Email a detailed account of your son's primary school experience, periods of illness and missed schooling to support your request for support - lots of it. Hold them to account: ask to see what info they have from his primary school, and how they have used it. Press for an Individual Education Plan, which all his teachers must share responsibility for,. Their aims shd be to help him catch up, to stay in lessons and to be separated from bad influences.

Get everything in writing and keep copies. Request minutes of meeting and agreed actions

1. Meanwhile, research all possible secondary schools, make contact with those that seem to offer suitable provision and explain the background and current problems. Does County offer anything? Talk to everyone who may be able to help/advise you. The ideal is a managed move so that he is in a new school after Christmas.

All this will take a lot of research, time and effort, but it will be 'short-term strain for long-term gain' if you get him happily placed in a more suitable institution. That will free you up in a way that home-schooling will not.

Very best wishes.

Another that doesn’t think home learning is a good idea.
a school with Sen/nuture provision would be better. Are you pupil premium? The school could pay for tutoring.