Sorry. Very long and just so boring, though causing me huge misery. My parents live very far away (as far as possible in the UK), a bugger of a journey and expensive. I'm an only child and love them but they are quite problematic; child-rearing probably wasn't their forte and they are getting old and selfish now. We aren't one of those close families that can't imagine not seeing each other at every opportunity, and it's frequently difficult when we do. My husband's parents are both deceased. We have one daughter. Anyway, normally they come to us every second year for Christmas and we visit them for New Year in the other years. Everything was on course for that to happen as normal when my mother sent an email saying 'don't worry if you all can't face the awful journey, we won't mind if you don't come especially as we'll be seeing you in October' (my daughter and I are meeting up with them for a few days at a point midway between us). So I made the fatal error of taking that to be the truth and actually thought maybe Mum couldn't face the catering etc, as she's just had a second hip replacement. So said we aren't going, husband mightily relieved and me too as he is always awful to me when they are around (tension between daughter and wife roles that he just doesn't seem to have it in him to deal with, so I normally end up peacekeeping in public and crying a lot in private). Spoke to mum a week later and she was very huffy but said nothing. Spoke to dad the next week and he 'just had to tell me' that she is devastated, has been crying into the Christmas pudding mix, can't bear the idea of having no-one visit; furthermore I should be modelling to my daughter that one should be dutiful towards grandparents (bear in mind I never saw either of mine more than once a year when I was a kid and I have taken her to see them twice this year already). So of course I feel dreadful and think we should make the trip after all, but also really cross at being emotionally blackmailed. Husband can't see past the emotional blackmail and goes on about my 'guilt' as if it's a negative trait, whereas I see it as conscience - I've upset them and have it in my power to be the bigger person by changing my mind (even though I and husband will then have a shit time). And I feel there's a strong element of duty there; they won't be around forever and they have been and are generous to me / us in their somewhat controlling way, though never exactly emotionally supportive. If Mum hadn't sent that email we'd just have arranged to go as normal, because we 'ought'. Now husband is saying I want to prioritise being at their beck and call over our relationship which 'always suffers when we visit them'. The latter is true but we can't very well never go and see them again and he would have put up with it if the normal arrangement hadn't been called into question. And they live somewhere where it would be insane to visit for less than 4 days. My daughter is happy to visit them and we more or less manage to keep the tension private (she's 15 so not completely oblivious). So what on earth is the right thing to do? My vision of New Year in Lanzarote obviously isn't going to happen as parents know we don't have alternative plans and to make some now, knowing of their upset, just seems too mean. They won't come to us or meet midway, though they are happy to have two winter sun holidays in November and January so travel is not off the table per se.