AIBU to find maternity leave painfully boring and miss work? I miss deadlines and the adrenaline

[ThatGreatPlumBiscuit]

AIBU to be completely bored out of my mind on maternity leave? I’m a mum of two, eldest is 6 and youngest is 6 months, and I’m honestly counting down the days until I go back to work in November. DH had 3 months off when DS2 was born and is now back 4 days a week, with one weekday off which we spend together while DS1 is at school. Today was my turn to walk DS1 to school. I got up, did 30 mins on the rowing machine, had a shower, got dressed and put a bit of makeup on. DS1 got himself ready, DS2 woke up, I bathed and fed him while DS1 had breakfast, then we walked to school. Me and the baby walked around for a bit, queued for a coffee, sat in a cafe while I read my book, then he got a bit fussy so we walked around the park. We came home, he fell asleep and now I’m sitting here thinking “what am I actually going to do for the rest of the day?” 😂 I know this sounds incredibly privileged and I am very aware of that. We have supportive grandparents, I’m not stuck in the house, I go to baby groups, see friends, visit family, read, exercise etc. I even have time to do an online course. But I have so much time and I am finding it unbelievably boring. I forgot how bored I was on my first maternity leave.

I had exactly the same experience with DS1 and went back to work when he was 6 months because I missed it. I’ve worked in the same fairly intense, male-dominated field for around 20 years and I think I’m just used to being busy and having something difficult to get my teeth into. When I went back after DS1 I got up to speed very quickly and was promoted, which probably says something about how much I missed having that part of my brain switched on. I love my children, honestly, but I just don’t particularly enjoy the baby stage. My 6 year old is completely different because he’s a little person now. We can have proper conversations, he has opinions, makes jokes, understands sarcasm and I genuinely love spending time with him. With the baby it’s basically feeding, nappy, bath, walk, “who’s a clever boy!” while he makes noises at me 😂 I’ve joined a mum group and everyone is lovely but I sometimes feel like I’m from another planet because I don’t seem to have the same interests or worries as some of the other mums. I’m thinking of going back 2 days a week in November because I just need something else to occupy my brain. I read 4 books last week, I have too much time. I feel slightly ridiculous complaining about having too much free time when I have a healthy baby and a very fortunate life, but there we are. AIBU? Is anyone else had a similar experience of genuinely bored by maternity leave/baby life?

I think women who love the baby stage and who feel completely fulfilled by it won't ever understand women who don't love it and vice versa.

There's no criticism on either side. Or there shouldn't be.

I knew Id find maternity leave boring because, as much as I love my daughter (and loved her as a baby), I needed more intellectual stimulation than caring for a baby gave me, which is why I did an OU diploma.

The house was spotless, I baked several times a week, cooked from scratch daily and was able to do the school run for my older child but I also cried in the car from sheer frustration, desperation and loneliness. My brain needed more and studying provided that. Once I'd started that, I was much happier and probably a better mum too because my needs were also being met.

I went away for a week for the course summer school and came back the day before her first birthday. My then hsuband booked the week off work and had a great time with them both but was utterly exhausted by the end of it too. He said he had no idea how relentless it was and couldn't have imagined how long it takes and how hard you have to work just to stand still! He said he couldn't imagine doing it for months on end.

I think lots of people find it a bit boring, OP. Generally we do it because it’s the best thing for the baby, not because it’s particularly fun.

But there’s a touch of intellectual snobbery about the way you refer to the other mums with their interests and worries. You don’t actually know what their real concerns are - we talk about the superficial things at baby groups because it’s common ground with other mothers, not because it’s the limit of our intellectual curiosity. It’s genuinely great that you enjoy your job so much, but like @KassandraOfSparta I’d be wary of basing your whole identity around your career. Surely you have some inner resources to call on?

Do you have any interests or hobbies outside of work? Do them! Or just go back to work if you love it so much. You’re lucky that you have such a placid baby that allows you the time to read several books etc. I would personally just enjoy it!

This.

What I’ve done (not on mat leave) is long walks. To the next area (eg Penge in my case), then onto Beckenham. Explored the parks and history. Through going to Kelsey park I find out about a young heron watching project put on by RSPB. It’s fascinating what you can find out. And very easy to build up the walking and steps. I at first did it so I stopped off for tea/coffee and then bus back and then I worked up to going further.

My mum when on mat leave made me a dolls house (carpentry), knitted a striped babygrow (the only knitting she ever did!) and did her sewing (she used to have her own fashion business). She also got very interested in environmental issues and was on a tv show on a panel talking about them (1971).

My SIL with both her kids eschewed trad baby classes and concentrated on music ones. And baby language ones. Her second mat leave she took a year off and was house hunting as well as visiting me in a psychiatric ward. But she relished being off and was sad to go back to work (she’s a career woman too but in the arts/museums). Both her babies were easy though.

How do you have so much time?! I don’t get a minute to myself - and never have. My LO is now 2.

Of course you can go back if that's what you want. I also don't quite understand the mindset that you should try to find something else instead - if OP likes her work, why not spend her time working, instead of walks and basket weaving or similar?

I suspected I would feel like this on mat leave, so DH and I planned to take 6 months each. I did end up feeling that way, and returned to work at the 6 month mark. I found mat leave incredibly boring.

This! All the people who had time to keep a spotless house, watch Netflix, read dozens of books and complete OU degrees - what were your babies doing during all this free time? I'm so confused by this as I was constantly exhausted and my baby needed feeding or entertaining all day! I didn't love that stage but I certainly didn't think that going back to work would make it any more bearable. All I wanted for the first year or so was time to wash my hair properly!

This! All the people who had time to keep a spotless house, watch Netflix, read dozens of books and complete OU degrees - what were your babies doing during all this free time?

Baby was mostly sleeping or chilling. Mind, it was DC2, so I already knew the ropes and wasn't nearly as stressed as with DC1. But she was a very chilled content baby, happy to sit in her babybjörn and watch what I was doing, happy to travel, sit in buggy or wrap etc. So instead of spending every hour entertaining the baby, I was just going about my day, with the baby.
Would not have been possible with DC1 so I have seen both sides.But can totally believe it's possible and you can get bored.

What do all the people who don’t enjoy it all, plan to do when they’re retired?

Both my children were happy as babies whether they were at a playgroup, forward facing when I went for a walk or run, simply sat watching the washing machine go round and round, or just playing themselves with a bunch of keys. They didn’t ever need entertaining. A parents baby hood experience depends completely on the needs to the baby, and many baby’s don’t need anything apart from feeding, and they’ll sleep anywhere. I did a lot of travelling with my firstborn, we went to ten or so European cities on my first mat leave, but with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I’d done more.

This is great to hear! It gives me hope for having another as I was kind of just resigned to the fact that it would be utter chaos and I'd be exhausted again for a year or so

It's not really about you, it's about your baby. Iit is likely to help the baby's development - childcare won't deliver the same thing. What seems like a boring day for you is just what he needs.

Btw any chance you have an avoidant attachment style and find the close proximity to someone so dependent on you really challenging? (That's me btw - I have to work really hard to be more available to my family).

You might also thrive on external rewards, recognition, excitement etc, which is fine, but it's worth trying to develop an internal sense of worth.

I plan to do whatever I want. Not whatever I can do around never-ending feeding/changing/naps/cleaning/laundry/cooking/feeding cycle.

my understanding of the ops problem, was that she doesn’t know how to fill all her spare time, not that she was finding it never ending.

There is a third option - mothers who have a baby that refuses to sleep at night and so are mentally a zombie during the day….

This!!! My baby wanted to be held all the time, or as a minimum, be pushed in the pram. It was partly really lovely, partly maddening.

Are you being forced to stay home on maternity leave for so long? Why don't you just go back to work?

I'm in the US and when my kid was born we were entitled to 6 weeks paid maternity leave. (I went back to work when my baby was 8 weeks old.) OK, that might not be ideal, but there's absolutely no reason why you can't go back to work now your baby is 6 months old. Instead you're spending your time complaining about being bored. I don't get it!

same! Also I’d have felt pretty bad if I’d sat mine in a bouncer to watch the washing machine go round while I was on the computer or reading. Babies do need quite a lot of engagement with their caregiver.

Well I certainly won’t be breastfeeding, changing nappies or getting up frequently throughout the night.

I went back part time at 5 months. Boy was I ready to use my brain again! A year would have been horrendous and I'd have been so deskilled to boot.

I think in your attempt to put another mum down here, you’ve missed my point. Mine were just curious about everything, whether that was watching the world go by on the Champs-Elysee, or the artwork at the Tate, or the washing machine; it didn’t matter, they were curious about it all, perfectly happy, and didn’t need entertaining.