So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

OP you're being incredibly extra.

I don’t want to pile on but it’s worth looking into why it has hurt you so much. The common theme here is not to centre yourself into this story … if you were able to understand this wasn’t about you? Does that help?

Your relationship with your sister matters a lot and nothing has changed. Perhaps if you could acknowledge to yourself this wasn’t about you it might take away some of the hurt.

She had the foresight to realise that if she went public with the wedding arrangements there might possibly be opinions or even pressure from certain people within the family or circle of friends and obviously didn’t want the potential conflict, discussions, arguments etc…….so they did it their way! Good luck to them!

I did this and some family members got upset. It really wound me up as it wasn’t about their feelings or their wants.

It further confirmed to me why I did it in the first place because I knew that if they were that upset, they’d have tried to get me to change my mind to a small wedding. I didn’t want a wedding, I wanted to be married.

YABU. Some people don’t want any fuss or fanfare, it doesn’t mean you’re not close. It was a private couples moment that had nothing to do with you.

Me and DH got married after 20 years and kids. It wasn't a major life event to us in the slightest, it was a piece of legal paperwork should anything happen to either of us. It was a quickie in a library registry office. I wish we'd just never told anyone to be honest because they all tried to turn it into something it wasn't. Maybe your sister is the same. Not everyone views marriage in the same way as you.

We had some close friends who did this a few months ago. Of course it’s up to them how they want to do it, but I find it odd not to say anything at all. If you want to do a small private wedding you can still do that and tell people you are close to. To be honest they just announced it by posting on Facebook which felt a bit performative.

Said they are going to have a big celebration next year and I don’t get that part either. Who wants to celebrate someone else’s wedding a year after the event?

I think not announcing it is the kindest way OP. I know you find it difficult but the announcing is very strange and difficult too when you're not invited.

I can’t imagine making something like this all about myself in the way you’re doing. Grow up and realise that even those who are closest to you, even your own spouse won’t tell you everything. The sooner you accept that you’re not entitled to that the easier your life will be.
Also my guess if she left him last year is that all is not well and this marriage isn’t going to last forever.

Don’t make it about yourself. Your sister had the wedding she and her husband wanted. Be happy for her and move on. I went to the registry office to get married and didn’t tell anyone. I don’t like traditional weddings and I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want questions about my “big day”, discussing the plan in minute detail. It’s a piece of paper to me and not something I see as a big deal, a legal agreement. Your sister may have felt the same or had her own reasons for not wanting anyone to know.

For me a wedding is a private commitment between two people (and to beat the taxman) - it's the marriage that matters and where she needs your love and support. And you and your mum already give her that love and support. Be happy she has told you now, she didn't need to make an announcement as they were already together with a family! Go out for lunch just you, your mum and your sis to celebrate!

It's not about you though. They would have wanted to keep it a secret between themselves. That's what marriage is. A close bond full of secrets between just between two people.

Don't expect her to not have that lovely thing in her life just because you might get the miff.

Because while you say you’d have been fine about it (and maybe would have) loads of people would be “hurt” and “confused” that they weren’t getting an invite and there would be guilt tripping and reminders that they were invited to X’s wedding so why aren’t they returning the favour and wouldn’t it be nice to have X or Y there. And OP claims that she and her mum would have been totally fine but given that this was a man that the DSis left last year, there may well have been comments or questions (and maybe the sister herself isn’t 100% sure about it all). But at the end of the day it’s not all about you and anyone can keep stuff from you and if you think that’s not the case you’re deluding yourself.

She was upset your cousin did exactly what she has just done and has kept on about it? She then does the same herself. That is hypocritical but given that she left her now husband last year this would raise some concerns.
When she next rings you for a 45 minute chat tell her how you felt on hearing the news. Tell her you are pretty confused given her reaction to your cousin's elopement and yet she does the same.
It does seem strange behaviour. How was her relationship with her now husband in the lead up to the wedding? Are there children involved?
Tread carefully as your posts indicate there may be more to this.

Sorry OP, this isn’t about you. It’s about two adults who can choose to do whatever they wish. Raise a glass in their honour and perhaps suggest a celebratory meal later. Don’t be THAT person.

I can understand your feelings have been hurt. I felt a little bit like that when my best friend got married abroad. It was a weird sense of betrayal that I had not expected to feel. Obviously, I didn’t say anything and I told her how gorgeous she looked in all the photos. But it’s okay to feel strange inside OP and it may take you a while to process it.

I agree with you I’d be very hurt.

My sis got married and didn’t come near me in the reception whatsoever. Didn’t even get one pic taken. She just ignored me.

I have tried so hard over the years to have a close relationship with her and to make her love me. It’s been very heartbreaking and I’ve been so hurt.

Whenever I’ve done this she’s become very angry and shouts at me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t force her. She’s quite a selfish person. If I just accept her as she is then it’s fine. I’ve not seen her for couple months because she’s always in the pub.

live been supportive and been there for her for years and years. Helped money, childcare, sorted any problems. She’s not returned it to me. If anything, she’s made me feel like a nuisance.

shes my sister and I love her but im done now. She’s 10 years older than me. Her daughter is the same with her. Her daughter is very hurt by the way her mum is with her.

let them be, but remember.

The minute you start telling people you’re going to go away to get married, they start saying they want to come-I know, I’ve been there! It was very stressful.

I totally understand why they just went!

Yes, that's what we dealt with when we told pewe were getting married the next month. Wish we'd said nothing. As it happened we ended up paying for a big party the next year so everyone else could feel we'd got married.

My sibling told me that they were getting married & then didn't invite me...

Suggest a lovely celebration now they are married. Host a meal ? Be pleased for them even if you are feeling cheesed off that you were excluded.

I get it both sides. You can’t change any of it now so may as well make the best of it or create a huge rift

You've lost trust in your sister because she didn't share something that is for her and her now husband? Do you expect details on their finances and sex life too?
I can understand you feeling upset you missed out but saying you've lost trust in her is very unfair. Maybe you're not as close as you thought, not because your sister married privately but because you can lose trust in her so easily.

This happened to me too, and whilst I absolutely 100% supported their decision to have the wedding they wanted I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt. They had a small wedding with just parents.

Honestly think it would have hurt less if they’d just told me afterwards. You’d have been hurt either way OP- and being hurt is valid, but you need to get over it.

I can see why you are upset.
The deep and intrinsic nature of marriage to the fabric of your community and family is important.
I can see how her not caring for your support is deeply hurtful. It seems like you upholding her life choices and celebrating her family structure is not welcomed.
In fact the support of close family is important and adds strength to marriages.

You can't change the elopement.

Can you add something positive to it?

You should tell your DSis exactly how you feel and, given that you feel completely left out, you could offer to arrange a family and close friends picnic or dinner to celebrate.

Ask your sister if she has any photos.
Ask for one to display in your home.
Not much more you can do, really.

My sister eloped (after their first child was born) and I was a bit hurt. Not deeply - but just in the sense that I felt deprived of a chance to celebrate with her. But I think I probably was being unreasonable. You clearly are close to your sister; you knew she was committed to her partner as they have children. You’ll get past this.

She hasn't hidden it. She's told them she got married. It's just that she kept the actual ceremony private, which she's perfectly entitled to do. When I see weddings blown up out of all proportion with everybody chipping in about what 'ought' to be included and who 'should' be invited, I'm amazed more people don't keep the marriage ceremony a secret. It saves so much hassle and expense.