So upset by elopement

[Jaffacakedigestive]

I found out today my DSis eloped at the weekend & married the father of her children. I'm so so upset. Not by her wedding, people can have whatever wedding they choose, but by the fact she never told anyone? My poor mum does so much for her & we all speak daily. I thought we were close but obviously not and I feel like all the trust has gone.
AIBU to be hurt?

As someone who has been engaged for some time but already has mortgage/dog/child I'd love to elope. I actually feel embarrassed to have a wedding day thing, just feels a bit silly. So the idea of my little family just being there sounds wonderful.

Well I'm glad my family didn't have same attitude, they were surprised but happy for us. Our choice to have something quiet no fuss and a month later we had a party

It’s their wedding. They can do what they want. A lot of people don’t want the big fuss or costs of weddings. They just want to be married. I’m sure she didn’t want to cause hurt. Can you suggest you all go for a meal to celebrate?

The deep and intrinsic nature of marriage to the fabric of your community and family is important.

I disagree with this. People who elope tend to disagree with this, that's why they elope. They don't want their relationship to be a community event (with all the community opinions that entails), they want it to be private. They don't necessarily have the positive view of "family" that others might.

You think that marriage has that deep and intrinsic nature. Apply it to your own wedding. You need to respect that others have different opinions.

They eloped and then told you they didn’t hide it or keep it a secret.

But the whole point of eloping is to just do it alone no drama no fuss. You say he has a difficult relationship with some of his family that’s the reason. Treating both families the same means you both found out after.

She married the father of her children it’s not like she came home from uni married to a random you’d never met. It’s hardly a suprise that she married her children’s father.

As for the OP's sister, she obviously eloped and kept it secret precisely because the OP is the kind of person who'd react in this kind of melodramatic way. The trust is gone? Give over.

And you have to keep elopements secret, that's the point. Once you tell one person, news inevitably gets out beyond your closest circle. The thing with weddings is that they always spiral beyond what you intended unless you keep a very, very tight ship.

They have three children. The commitment was made a long time ago.

I don't think I would call this elopement - there's no running away in the middle of the night to Gretna Green.

This is more formalisation of a contract that already exists - already in a committed relationship, this was just signing some forms.

It doesn't seem there was a wedding either - there was a marriage (ie the formal signing) but was there a wedding celebration that you and your mum missed out on??

I'm very keen on people getting married quietly and without overpriced celebrations.

A wedding isn't a big life event. I was quite surprised after my first wedding, I expected to feel different, I didn't. A friend married recently,an eye watering £30k. Second DH, his m walked out when he was a young child, went off with another man.Zero contact for 20 years. Then this hard nosed stranger. Big mortgage, multiple redundancy,booked Gretna Green,us,4 dks.His m went ballistic.Ended up booking Register Offices, venues,3 times, loosing deposits. Had our Honeymoon BEFORE the wedding because we couldn't afford to loose the money. 18 years ago, she took over my ds wedding, she hadn't even seen him since ours. That was it, NC 18 years ago.I bitterly regret not doing what WE wanted.

She wanted to be married but didn’t want a wedding. If she’d have told you that what would have been your reaction ? She may think you’d try to dissuade her. And it was no one’s business. Don’t make this about you.

Often getting married is a way of securing finances for the future above all else. If she’d told you then you’d have wanted to be there and then your mum would and can’t my partner come and it gets bigger and bigger and is not what the couple wanted.

they did the right thing - their choice not yours.

People are being quite harsh towards you. I’d be inwardly hurt if someone I was close to did this especially when you talk to them every day.

my friend told me the night before she was getting married, just him her, his best friend and a random girl she worked with. I was a bit miffed, this was her second marriage and she told us to be honest with her if she ever decided to get married again. This one she married was abusive and I think she did it this way so we couldn’t talk her out of it. They lasted a few more years after it.

I felt hurt and annoyed as had been through so much with her during her first divorce, I went during the night to comfort her,I helped her move out the marital home , I felt I was an amazing friend and always there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on and she threw it all back in my face.

It was a decision her and her now husband made together.
It's not about you, your mum or anyone else.

But she did mention it. It was after the event happened.

Whilst I agree it's just a legal formality then why announce it to anyone.
Op's dsis didn't need to announce her wedding she could have carried on as before.
We dont announce to the world that we have life insurance or have made a will, in this case the marriage is just a legal document to protect the couple in the event of death or relationship breakdown.
Op's dsis has told her family because she feels it's a big life event, but not big enough to include her family.
It's disingenuous imo.

I eloped. We had a wonderful wedding on the beach at sunset, just the two of us with a couple of the hotel staff as witnesses. Absolutely nobody knew until we got home. If we had got married here with friends and family, it would have turned into the sort of day we both would have hated.

Having a baby is also a major life event but it would be very odd if she wanted you there whilst she pushed a child out of her vagina.

Maybe she didn’t want all the stress that comes with a wedding.

Maybe she didn’t want to be the center of attention but preferred a low key event for her husband, children and herself.

Maybe there is a health reason you are unaware of and speed was critical.

A wedding is about two people committing to each other and a legally binding contract, everything else is up to the two individuals involved.

You should be happy for her and respect her decision.

My sister and her partner have just set a wedding date for a very small, immediate-family only wedding, and it’s reminded me exactly why DH and I just did it with two witnesses and didn’t tell anyone for years — my mother has started sighing and saying ‘Oh, I suppose when you get to a certain age you want to keep it quiet, but it’s a pity…’ and trying to get my sister to invite various aunts and (apparently) apologising to various distant extended family members for the lack of invitation on the grounds that it’s not a ‘proper wedding’ because it’s only 20 people in a hotel with a celebrant, not 200 in a church.

Well done on that piece of mental gymnastics.

I eloped with my first husband. Just couldn’t cope with the stress, pressure, etc of a wedding. My sis did similar a few years later, and I was surprised how upset I was, particularly given I did it first. It’s been over 20 years and I’m still upset about it, lol. So I do get it op. However they made their choice, so just be happy for them. When we told my family after we came back (we did it abroad), my family and his got together and organised a big party which was great fun. Maybe do something similar?

It's not because they "did what they wanted". It's because she didn't even mention it in hours & hours of conversation!

This.

i don’t understand the posters saying it’s not a big deal and OP is wrong to be upset. It is a big deal and OP’s feelings are justified.

You are over blowing this massively OP. Perhaps they didnt want all the stress and expense of a big wedding, and just tie the knot quietly.
My DH and I did this, both having 2 failed marriage behind us. Just 2 close friends as witnesses and lunch at a bistro after. We told nobody until later. Everyone was delighted for us and probably glad to swerve the expense of having to attend a wedding 🤣

I actually was there both times she gave birth
Her choice.

She could have had the low key wedding but still had the decency to let her own mother know it was happening.

I think your reaction being all about you and your mum says a lot. I find your comments about ‘trust’ being gone strange. She hasn’t betrayed you by keeping her plans private. Perhaps she finds your relationship a bit suffocating?

She’ll have had her reasons and you should just be happy for her.